I have been married for 4 yrs now, he is 45 i'm 32. I'm not American and different race. He treats me like an anaimal. I do everything for him, laundry,clean after him, wash dishes, pick up his clothes on the floor. If he takes something out of the fridge i have to put it back....he leaves dishes and snaks where he had been sitting. He has anger issues he knows that..but blames me for everything..he claims i ignore him. I dont ignore him at all, he claims that i dont communicate i do..but he hates everything i say..but he never says anything only when he is mad...i used to cook...must admit that i'm not a great cook but i do try....when he does not like my food...he gets so upset and either throw food in the sink or leaves it on the table and goes to sleep. when i dont cook he complains. I like to go to the movies and he hates my movie choices and gets so mad while watching movies and end up not tlkn to me. I decided to stop picking movies and let him pick...and again he is not happy.
2007-12-17 04:49:08 · 67 answers · asked by Boom 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
At home i let him have a remote cause he does not like to watch my tv shows he gets mad when i'm watching my shows. He gets mad at me when i lock the bathroom when taking a shower or pee, cause its like i'm hiding. He yells at me, hides my car keys, when i walk away he keeps on following me. I cry and hides in the coners cuse he throw things at me. He calls me fat,ugly,retarded,stupin, no brain, brain tumor and anything you name it. Is this normal. His parents bought me a lap top for xmas, and i know that one day he is going to take it away. I'm scared of him..to me he is like a monster,evil and everything.
I never raised my voice,
my spelling check doesnt work..pls excuse me
2007-12-17 04:56:39 · update #1
It sounds to me like you two need a marriage counselor and he needs to go to counseling for anger management issues.
I hate to say this but it is typical of a married man to expect to work, come home and do nothing but be a slob afterward while the wife continues to work around the house. I have a lot of friends with this problem. They don't see why they should have to work and come home and continue to work while their husbands get to relax. But their husbands also don't treat them the way yours is treating you....
You sound afraid of him to me and that is never a good thing. I really suggest you look into counseling for you as a couple as well as for him separately. He's definitely upset about something--it may have nothing to do with you--and he's bottling it up inside. Then he lashes out at you because you're closest to him. When people treat the person they're suppose to love badly it's usually because they are unhappy themselves and don't know how else to express it. This doesn't give him an excuse for his bad behavior toward you though and if he turns violent I suggest you leave and find a safe place to stay while he works on his issues himself.
Remember he has to want help, he has to be willing to take the steps needed to resolve this for both of you. If he's not willing to do that then no matter what you do yourself, no matter how hard you cry, beg and plead--it won't work. Not unless he wants it to. You can only be responsible for yourself and your actions. He's responsible for himself and his. So don't let him pin what he's doing on you. That's not right and it's unfair.
Make no mistake, what he's doing is called ABUSE. He is abusing you emotionally, mentally, verbally and (I'm guessing) physically too. And you deserve none of it. No one does. So you need to get out of that mindset that this is somehow your fault. It's not. It's his.
*HUGS* You are not alone, honni, but you have to be brave now. Try talking to your husband (wait until he's in a good mood and never talk to him about something this important as soon as he gets in from work--let him relax for a while first) and tell him your concerns, ask him what's wrong and if there's anything you can do to help him.
It'd also be a good idea to let your family and friends know what's going on just in case things go badly or get violent. There are hotlines you can call too and shelters you can go to, if need be. You'll find them in your phone book, usually in the blue pages.
If you want my honest opinion? I think this relationship is very unhealthy for you and you may need to find the courage to leave him if he's not willing to change. It sounds to me like his violence will only get worse the longer you stay. He may need to work through this without you. Your safety is more important then his childish behavior. I've seen things like this end badly--very badly. We don't want to see your face on the back of a milk carton as a Missing Person or worse...think about it. You have your entire life ahead of you. You deserve to live it without fear.
2007-12-17 05:00:41 · answer #1 · answered by Kamikaze ♥ Kitty 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, this is not "normal" for married people. Marriage is a partnership, both partners give and take. If he is always like this, there are anger issues as you said. He needs to work on those.
I don't know if he would be the type to seek counseling, but it sounds like he really needs to. You two could go together and talk to someone.
You really don't deserve to be treated in that way. I don't know how much you love him, or if you have anywhere to go, even if it's just for a while. If you're not there, he may just realize what he has and might make a choice to try and make it better.
There doesn't seem like there is much you can do to change the situation, it's up to him. Again...no, that's not what marriage is about, nor should it be.
Good Luck
2007-12-17 04:56:25 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It all depends on your definition of normal, I think the correct question is "Is this right?". No, definately not right and I don't think counselling will help either, it sounds like he completely takes you for granted and wont realise that until you leave him. It's not the answer you might want but it sounds like you need to move on to someone that will appreciate you.
Even if you do happen to fix this problem with him, it will only be temporary, it will always go back to that.
You can choose various roads, one will be to stay with him and let your kids grow up being aggressive as he is and unappreciative to their wives and the second road is that you start a new life with someone that actually cares about you.
If I were you I'd go with number 2, from an outsiders view that is clearly the best decision but it's a difficult one to make while in your shoes.
In short, leave him and move on to something better.
2007-12-17 04:56:50 · answer #3 · answered by Imperative 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's not normal. Some of that borders on abuse or is abusive outright. (One thing I do agree with) I hate my wife's movies too. I take our son and she takes our daughter and we're all happy. You can't have everything. The fact that you are 32 and he is 45 and you have been married 4 years tells me something was broken from the start. It's my assumption that you gave him sex right away. To test the character of a man you need to frustrate him. In doing this, you would have found out his flaws before marriage. Men who have to work to get a woman respect her more and treat her better. The ones who are frustrated because of their behavior eventually learn better behaviors. Early sex helps nothing and leads to emotional commitments before the true nature of the individual can be discerned. This will not be easy to fix. Change of the kind you are talking about will only come about by emotional pain. he will have to be made to want to change. Just think about it.
2007-12-17 05:00:29 · answer #4 · answered by Homeschool produces winners 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is just an unhappy person. This is not normal behavior for a man to act this way. It sounds to me like he has a misconception about what you are there for. In my opinion you are there to cherish and love. Not to be his maid or slave. He sounds lazy and stupid. I am sure you entered into this marraige thinking that this man loved you but it sounds like he does not. You do not have to do anything for him at all. As a matter of fact I would not do anything for him. I would stop right now and ask him when he does not put his dishes away if there is a problem with his legs and hands. I would cook for myself and go buy some TV dinners for him. If thinks your cooking is bad now wait until he has to eat banquet dinners every night. You need to go watch a movie by yourself or with some friends and if you don't have any friends go to some community center and go get one. Tell them you don't have a friend and you really want one. Do not do his laundry for him do not clean up after him do not wash his dishes do not pick up his clothes do not put anything away for him. Move out of the marital bedroom and into another room. Tell him that you do not like the wayhe has been acting and until he can get happy there will be no sex no cuddling no conversation no nothing. You really need to watch the movie fried green tomatoes and Thelma and Louise if you haven't already seen them. Oh yeah if he wants to sleep let him but don't you wake him up for work or any other activity. You get yourself doing what you want to do and leave him in the dust. He is acting like a two year old. When my son throws a fit I just go about my business and ignore him. Eventually he stops. Maybe he can see what is like without you doing anything for him or with him. He must have mistaken your accent for stupidity SHAME ON HIM. You are awoman and hear you roar. He should feel glad that I am not there cause I would scare the livin crap out of him. My husband has only used a disrespecting tone with me one time and that is all it took. When he asked for coffe I put cayenne pepper in it and burned the living daylights out of his tongue. I wouldn't be asking how to help him I would be asking for ideas about how to mess with him.... You really need to stand up to him and tell him
NO MORE OF YOUR CRAP
2007-12-17 05:03:01 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, It is not normal to be like that in married couples. I am not sure what your beliefs are, but for my husband and I God always comes first in our marriage. then each other. He sounds like he has some issues that he needs to correct. Marriage is a give and take and it is not easy by a long shot. IT takes a lot of work. It also sounds like he does not respect you at all. You are his wife not his maid or mother. I suggest that you both need to sit down and really talk to each and listen to what each other has to say. and that goes for him too. If he doesn't listen then things will never get corrected. Would he go to counseling classes with you? if he will then I would try that also. I will keep you both in my prayers
2007-12-17 05:02:53 · answer #6 · answered by Busy Bee Meee 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
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2016-10-11 11:31:57 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not normal. You are human being and deserve to be treated as such.. Don't tolerate this. Do you have any children? They will learn off this behavior.. not healty at all. My aunt had a husband like this.. and now her sons treat her this way .. learned behavior from their father. Their is sooo many different guys out there.. this is not normal.. They are sweet and some actually cook for you!.. Please seek help.. Seek a counsler.. ask for advise on what steps you need to be taking.. If you are not healthy emotionally wise your kids wont be either. Take care and best wishes!
2007-12-17 04:55:43 · answer #8 · answered by steph 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
run for the hills.
seriously though, this is an unhealthy relationship, and you should seek counseling if you want to salvage it, if you think its worth it. But this is not a marriage.
It looks like he just wanted a replacement for his mother. You deserve better. You are still young enough to get back in the dating world. He treats you like this because he thinks you are too afraid to leave him.
Dont worry about appearance either. Maybe some people look down on being a divorcee, but really, most people are accepting of your situation and you will have no problem getting on your feet.
Seek a lawyer before taking any legal action.
2007-12-17 04:52:18 · answer #9 · answered by melissa 4 · 7⤊ 0⤋
OMG your situation is sooooooo *not* normal to married people. Sounds like he is verbally and mentally abusing you. From what you describe, he never seems happy with anything you do. Was he like this when you first got married? Did he change for the worse over the years?
Get to a marriage counselor, quick. If he won't go to a counselor with you, then LEAVE. It will only get worse.
Hugs!
2007-12-17 04:55:02 · answer #10 · answered by MsSoccerBunny 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋