Reconsidering my attitude as a wife.?

Question

I have been married for 8 years. I am 28 and my husband is 29. We have a really fun relationship that includes tons of laughing, sarcasim and wit. I love him more than the world and I know he loves me as much if not more. My problem is when we argue I often get very mean and nasty. He saids i am obsinate, and impossible to talk to when I am upset. I have been considering takeing a more submissive role in our marraige, but I dont know if I should. I do trust him with everything, but I am scared to give up control to him on any level. Do you think He would appreciate my efforts and where do I start?

It is not bad at all from his side. It is totally me. It's like I see red and I cant stop my self.

Answer 1

I have been there sweetie. I was the controlling one in the marriage. We've been together for 10 years. We love each other fiercely and get along wonderfully. However it took me a long time, and a lot of compromise with my husband before I would relax and realize that he's only ''incompetent'' because I don't want him to be able to take care of things.. I only see that he's not doing it the way that I would.. I'm wasn't being patient enough to see that if I had let him finish he would have done the job just fine. It doesn't matter how he does things that you feel you need to do because you don't trust how he does it.. it just matters that he tried and that the end result is close to the same.
A few years later and a lot of practice with communicating I think he's a wonderfully confident man and he does little things around the house with out even being asked.. and he doesn't do it because he thinks it's what I want.. he does it because it's his house too and he wants to make an effort. It takes a lot effort to not get mean and nasty, I feel ya there. But it does get easier as long as you both know that the arguments are only temporary and focus on the goal. I'm sure you do since you've been together for so long.
Just relax sweetie. Let him have the reins sometimes and take care of you. When you're rested jump back on. It's hard, I know but once you trust him enough.. its great! Don't keep his boys in a jar, I did that once and I won't do it again. I was just afraid to chill out.

Answer 2

You don't need to become submissive to not be mean and nasty. You just need to learn to assert yourself in an adult way. Acting childish and mean is really no way to argue a point. I don't think any woman should give up total control. We each have talents. Let him take charge on some things, you on others. Talk these things out when you are not in the midst of an argument. It sounds like more than anything, you need to learn how to argue. Where do you start? Anytime I've had a problem I can look around and find someone else that has already been there. Find a few books on relationships and you'll find tips on how to have a disagreement and still like each other after! Good luck :)

Answer 3

Getting mean and nasty when you argue is NOT the same thing as being dominant. You don't need to be submissive, you just need to deal with your anger management issues.

It isn't about either of you being in control, it's about you not fighting fair. Bookstores and the Internet are filled with guides on how to improve this. I used to be just like you. I can't tell you everything that I've done to improve this (it's too long), but here are some of the basics:

1. Always make sure that you are arguing to solve a problem, not fighting to make the other person feel like crap. Keep asking yourself what your intentions are whenever you open your mouth to speak. When you find that your goal has switched, stop.
2. When the screams and nastiness start, go away. You need space to calm down. Go to bed angry if you have to. When he goes away, don't follow him. You probably are impossible to talk to when you're upset, so don't talk to him until you've calmed down.
3. Tell him to buy a tiny tape recorder. The next time you fight, he should record it (but not let you know that he's recording it). Later, he should play it back to you. You have no idea how much just hearing yourself can change things. In future fights, you'll remember and will behave a bit better.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 4

I am sure he would appreciate your efforts! Every man wants to be the MAN in the relationship. Sometimes that means that we as stronger women have to take a step back and look at it from his point of view.
As where to start, I am not too sure but maybe you could sit down with him and tell him your thoughts. This way you are not heated in an argument where emotions control you. Maybe even right down your thoughts before hand, that way it doesn't lead to an argument either.
I know it seems old school in thought but women are supposed to be more submissive. I personally think it works! I still have my own opinions and let him know but let him make the final decision. Most likely he will listen to you and then make the decision.

Good Luck!

Answer 5

Respecting someone during an argument is not giving up control. You need to look at it like how would you feel if he treated you like you treat him while having a disagreement. A person can only take so much verbal abuse. Soon it might start to be a problem in your marriage, and he could shut down any attempt to work things out with you because he will think that it won't do any good. Get your anger under control. A good husband is definately worth it.

Answer 6

What I can guarantee you is that if you decide to stay like you are, and the guy is a man who respect himself eventually you will hear a "it's enough" and you wont ever see him again and it will be way too late when you realize what you have been doing, after you have killed all the existance love and caring between you too.

The good thing to happen would be to put the guards down and let him take control and see that he is not abusing of that possibility, which would be the case if there is love, because if you love someone, you wouldn't pretend to control or play that kind of games.

What would be good is to see him as a man, being the man, have control of his life, his wife supporting him, and the two be happy with that, instead of "who has the control".

I think the right move here, is to put the guards down, stop trying to control him. If he wants to take control and abuse his possibility, the next move is "good bye, it was nice to meet you", instead of stay with someone who doesn't control you, because you don't allow that, which to me doesn't make absolutely no sense because life can be so much better than that.

Answer 7

First of all, the word "Submissive" should never enter into a marriage, period. Be who you are, but do so tactfully. Also, when you get really over the top angry over something take some deep breaths and count to ten before you say a word--it could help diffuse you. If you really need help, there are anger management courses you can take. Try counseling to try and learn how to argue and disagree respectfully. There is no need to be mean to your spouse, no matter how angry you get. Now you use words like control and submissive---how bad has this gotten if you're using words like "I'm scared to give up control". This is a partnership---no one person should have control over anything but themselves. Self control is most important.

Answer 8

At least you know there's a problem! Some people ruin their lives because they can't control their anger and resentment. May I suggest that you see a counselor who does work with Anger Management Therapy. While your intention of "taking a more submissive role" sounds good on paper...what can happen is that you will bury your resentments and frustrations and then explode. This is a tough pattern to break...especially alone. Good luck to both of you! Get the help you need! Hugs, Gina C.

Answer 9

Usually when people describe themselves in the terms you are using, what they mean is that they feel threatened in arguments and are unable to concede any point at all. When you argue, do you continue to stick even to arguments that you actually know are wrong? If so, the solution is not to become "submissive," which is kind of a synonym for passive. Right now, your current style is aggressive. Don't trade one bad stance for a stance that's just as bad.

What you need is that middle ground called "assertiveness". To be assertive means to stick up for yourself, to state yourself clearly, and also to listen to the other person. To be assertive means that you don't place your opinions above your husband's in an argument, but you also don't place his above yours.

To be consistently obstinate is a mistake, and will eventually create a rift. Lose the obstinacy, and replace it with active listening, assertiveness, and compromise.

Answer 10

well it is time, so to speak, about growing up, often times in a argument no one wins, the other gets mad and you dont talk for a few days, its a lose lose situation, and honeslty, was the arguement worth it? Marriage is not about being right, it's about being in love, you can express your opinion's and disagreements without forcing the other to see things your way, it is not about being submissive to him, its about respecting him, and him respecting you, and when you can say ok hunny I see things a little diffrent than you but thats alright we both are entitled our way's of thinking, then you are on your way to a very healthy loving marriage, There is no truth in the saying you need to argue in order to make up and get closer, truth is you get closer when you express yourself in such a way that the other person responds to that and you bond together, even if it is in diffrence's of opinion. From what I see this is not about control, it is about you wanting to be right all the time and make him see your way and making him understand how you are seeing things. it is best to LET him see it and let him say ok or not. and move on to the next conversation.