After a 3 yr relationship, He doesnt want to marry me & said hes afraid to be a step father......?

Question

I just dont know what to do. After a great 3 yr relationship. to which my children 16 & 5 (from ex husband of 20 yrs) adore my boyfriend. I have cried my eyes out all weekend. Just being told he wont ever marry... He was going to propse after a year, but seeing as i had only been divorced a year, i thought it was too soon. and told him I wasnt going anywhere. To lets just wait alittle longer. and now he wont marry me. He says hes afraid now. Now I dont know what to do. He loves me and my daughters, but now he wants to end it. completly. I really need advise as im crushed. I know that my children will be very upset. and i love this man with all my heart. Does anyone have any advise. as i dont want to loose him. He doesnt think hed make a good father. wow... just telling me that now is devastating

Answer 1

well, he has issues with being a step father, more than likely since these are not his kids, you both obvisouly disagree on the way the kids should be raised/diciplined. This is a big issue although women fail to see it because it is their children. It causes alot of tension in the home and for the most part he is right. you will argue about the kids. and sounds to me he cannot deal with that, at this point what you need to do is act like it doesn't bother you if you let him go. just tell him ok if that is your decision then so be it, If this guy truely loves you it will eat him up inside. if it doesnt, then he is a player,. Giving a man space often gives him time to think, and I will say from experience, having no time to think is not a good thing. There is a old saying, if you love someone set them free, if they come back it is ment to be. this stands true in most cases. and will stand true in this one if you turn a cold shoulder to him.

Answer 2

It is very difficult for a man to take on a "ready made" family. I think rather than take on that commitment he has chosen to run away from it. It is hard enough to make marriages work now a days, but making it work while raising someone else's kids makes things even more difficult. You need to reassure him that these children already have a father and u are not asking him to take on that role. You need to take some of the fear he is experiencing away from him. You need to let him know that you would like him to get along with your children, and that they do love him, but that he is marrying YOU and they are simply part of the package. Also keep in mind that u shouldn't have to "force" marriage. Marriage should be something a couple is full of excitement to do, not something that needs persuasion. Fear in men is the fastest way for them to run........so maybe slow it down abit so he doesn't start feeling trapped, and then he can really take a look at the situation and realize he loves you and wants this rather than how he is reacting right now. Good luck :-)

Answer 3

HI, sorry to hear about your situation. what i have to say about this is following - it is a bit selfish of you to ask him to be a stepfather and it is responsible of him to say that he is afraid he wont manage it.
at first when you were going out he didn't see this as a problem but now he knows that kids are hard work, especially teenagers. he is not ready for it and you cant ask for more.
I am always surprised at how people think that their new spouse MUST accept their kids... I myself am a stepmother and I have to be honest, even though I am happy where I am, i wish i had known more about my husbands kids before we got married - maybe i would consider it twice. i would marry in the end, yes, but it is the HARDEST relationship that you can have is being a step. And it doesnt matter if tehre are no financial problems, if the kids are the sweetest ones in the world... tell me something - will your boyfriend come before kids for you when you get married? i doubt, this doesnt happen very often as people usually love their kids too much. and ask him when you get married who will be the first one for him - it will be you. So... if you two get married you will be his number one, while he has to settle down fer being the second after the kids. And it is a hard hard hard thing to accept.
I dont know if this makes any sense to you - but i am sure that you have not thought of it this way because you were thinking about yourself.
what i would suggest is talking to him and insuring that you are their mother and all the responsibility is on you and not him, that you dont love your kids more than him and wont put them before him, that your relationship with them is not the same thing as your relationship together, they are kids and there is nothing you can do about that and that you love him just as much as them only in a different way.

I hope this helps.

Answer 4

Okay, obviously he was being the stepfather those 3 years, not on paper but by heart. I am sure he had a relationship going with your girls. So, what is the problem now? Tell him things won't be any different than they have been for those 3 years and that now he will be breaking 3 hearts instead of 1. Your mistake was to tell him that it was too soon after a year's divorce. Honey, your life was over with the man you divorced so why dind't you marry the one you loved? Time changes all things, and unfortunately, you gave him too much time to think too much.

Answer 5

It's a tough call, being in a relationship with children makes it even harder. I'm sure he still loves you, but maybe when it actually came down to it, he has cold feet. I know how hard it is to find someone when you have children and they don't, but remember that 3 years is just a blink of the eyes when it comes to life. Life does go on, and despite how hard it will be for you and your children, you will all become stronger after this. You know that you can't control anyone's feelings but your own and if you expressed it to him, and it's still not changing anything, then just start working on accepting it. It's better to know this now, then later.

Answer 6

Has he been a good father for the last 3 years? If so you need to tell him that. He also may not want to adopt them so that could be the issue. Let him know one more time that he is a good father and that you don't expect him to be just that. That a good parent will make many mistakes and you are looking for a lover & partner not just a father figure. If he still resists you have to let him go. Your kids will move on I did when my step father left us.

Answer 7

I know you are in a huge amount of pain right now, but you need to listen to what he is telling you and take it as the Gospel. He has had three years to fall in love with your children and make the commitment to be their stepdad. In that time, perhaps he didn't quite fall in love with them and perhaps he doesn't have what it takes to be a good stepdad. Why he needs to end things with you is something different. Why can't he continue with you the way things are and just not marry you? This way, he can still be with you but doesn't have to be anything more to your kids than "mom's boyfriend". Something is fishy here---something is just way off. And, you didn't make a mistake by not marrying him one year after your divorce. Men don't stop loving you if given time to think! I can't believe someone posted that!

Answer 8

the youngsters are sufficiently old to touch you on their very own. Write them a letter with a image of you with your fiance and daughter. You do could tell them it is your daughter. you do not could circulate into component -- the 13 12 months old would be waiting to do the maths. not sure approximately sharing time with them yet communicate with letters and ask the 13 12 months old if she is online. you could email and IM together with her and with a bit of luck she will share together with her brother. Your spouse and daughter would be your first precedence. the main you could wish for with the different teenagers is to be a lifelong pal and mentor. when you consider that they stay distant you will not likely be a father parent to them for the long term yet be certain you tell them which you will continuously be there for them. You in no way understand how or while they'd connect with you on their very own. i understand you have this imaginative and prescient of them with your daughter yet incredibly it in all probability won't artwork that way. I agree you're able to think of how your daughter will experience while she is seven and can't tell her teenaged 0.5 -step-type-of-not-extremely-siblings that she is your daughter. How will that make her experience? Bringing issues out interior the open now will shop the dwelling in concern of revelation. Plus -- if your ex is that indignant how do you recognize the youngsters do not already understand on the subject of the daughter? somebody that opposed could have confided in her teenage daughter. Stranger issues have surpassed off.

Answer 9

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Breaking up is never easy. If he doesn't want to get married and doesn't want to be a step-father to your children, you have little choice but to move on. Don't lose all faith, there is someone out there for you.

Answer 10

Sorry to hear that. But think again, do you really believe that he is the right man ? If you do, better tell him that the decission he made will crush you and your children.