I have been married 15 years, but have been separated for 2 months and have a child together. My wife decided that she was no longer happy with herself and decided to move out. This is the second time she has left last year she left for month then came back, but she did not change. She is currently living with a relative and talks about getting her own place. However when I ask her does she want a divorce, she does not give me answer only says she does not know. I know there is no other person involved, because I would know. I just don't understand what she is trying to do or why she can't make decision. I am willing to work on the marriage, but I just don't know what she wants because she won't tell me or make a decision. We tried last year with marriage counseling but she did not like it and did not want to do it again after one session. I just need to understand or know, so I can move on with my life. Why is talking about her own place but yet won't make a decision about divorce?
2007-12-17 01:38:04 · 17 answers · asked by ? 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I am have been the type of husband that does all the cooking, cleaning and laundry also taking care of yard and house. I have always put their needs before mine. I am not sure either what I am waiting on either. At times I wonder why I keep putting up with this roller coaster. My focus is my daughter and taking care of myself. I know sooner or later a decision is going to have to be made. My problem is that she will not decide for herself. I know if she gets her place, it pretty much over, but yet she will not admit it.
2007-12-17 02:17:52 · update #1
Sounds like she's stuck between two worlds and is afraid to let one go completely for fear that that life as a free woman might not work out.
What exactly did she not like about counseling? Could it be that she didn't want to face her own faults?
It's great that you're willing to work on the marriage, but she sounds flighty to me. Your child needs the stability that you can offer. Your wife is in a state of confusion and there's no telling when she'll be ready to commit to a decision about the marriage.
She probably wants to try life on her own to see if she can make it. If she finds that lifestyle too difficult, she'll run back to her safety net and that would be you.
If you value your marriage, you can try to be patient and give her space and time to figure out what she wants, living your life without her until she's more stable. If you're fed up with the emotional roller coaster, you can make the decision for her and be done with it.
ADDITIONAL INFO:
If I were in your place, I'd just go about living my life and providing for my daughter. You cannot control what's going on in your wife's head, and dealing with her uncertainty is likely to take its toll. I'd make the assumption that she's abandoned you and your daughter. If she has a change of heart or suddenly comes to her senses, you can re-evaluate the relationship (as well as your feelings for her) at that time. Good luck.
2007-12-17 01:44:29 · answer #1 · answered by DJ 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
She isn't sure what she wants. Maybe there are things she wished she had tried before and could not. I have been married for 16 years and I wished now that I had tried living on my own prior to getting married. I always wonder what if, but because I do have responsibilities; a husband and child it stops me from making decisions as to what she has made. Now is not the time to try those things when you are married. She needs to be brutally honest with you and you need to ask her what is the problem, otherwise how are you to work things out?
2007-12-17 01:43:49 · answer #2 · answered by Pinolera 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be there for her and try and get her to talk to her parents... By her talking to them gives her more options on wether or not she wants to keep it or even adoption she has more options now than she will later. Her parents will find out eventually just make sure it's not to late. And be a good friend and try and help/guide her to make the choices she wants and not what anyone "wants" her to do because she am has to deal with it later on in life no matter what she decides... And like the girl before said her parents will grow to the idea and yes there's a chance they'll loose it but the won't hurt her or the baby. So encourage her to make her decisions that will benefit her in the end.
2016-05-24 08:17:30 · answer #3 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In her own way, she has made the decision that she doesn't want to be with you. She won't embrace marriage counseling and decided to live apart. She may not be eager to do without the financial security that a marriage often provides, but one thing is certain. She is unhappy with either you, or, her life WITH you. You heart must be your guide, but it would appear that short of working out the finances, her decision has been made.
2007-12-17 01:58:00 · answer #4 · answered by Jim N 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to hear all that. I've been married eight years and I couldn't imagine how hard that would be.
I would imagine that her lack of communication one way or the other would only make it worse. -it sounds like you need closure, or some form of confirmation that she's really gone, or whether she will eventually come back.
That type of limbo would be absolutely horrible.
From what I'm gathering, it sounds like you are waiting for her to give you the go ahead to move on with your life, or, if she says, to return to your married life.
I can understand how you would be reluctant to move on without it being a mutual decision, especially after sharing a life for 15 years. However, given her indecisiveness, or at least her lack of communication with you, you may not have a choice. You may need to make a decision independently of her.
You metioned that she gave up on counseling after only one session, so I'm assuming that you see and understand the value of counseling, so I would advise you to seek it out on your own for yourself. The seperation is a pretty major loss, and it would really help out.
If you make a decision, it may wake her up to the weight of her actions and it might change things a bit. If you don't make a decision then you run a greater chance of remaining in limbo.
My advise is not to forget about her, it has more to do with being decisive for yourself, and trying to figure out and do what's best for you. If she's not going to provide you with direction then give yourself direction. If she see's you being decisive in your own best interest instead of waiting for her, she may realize that she needs to make up her mind.
Good luck man.
2007-12-17 02:13:07 · answer #5 · answered by blujello 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Marriage is no easy task for either party. I can understand how she feels. After so many years you start to feel like you have lost who you are. You are only his wife, their mother, and whatever else goes along with it. She may be feeling trapped and wants to find who she is again. You may want to tell her that she needs to make a decision because you would like to get on with things either way. If she doesn't then divorce her and move on.
2007-12-17 01:44:59 · answer #6 · answered by calendargirl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I dont know the whole story but from my point of view it looks like she just wants you to keep paying for everything. If she is not willing to go to marriage counseling then she doesnt seem to want to work it out. If she doesnt she isnt trying at all. I would say to go on with the divorce papers.
2007-12-17 01:49:37 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
when is the last time you had a nice vacation? or maybe even just a date alone together out? couples need to have some alone time.
it sounds to me (without more details) that she may just be feeling totally burnt out! perhaps one of the most common issues with women is not feeling praised enough for what they DO around the home. most men will not help with laundry or children unless they're hounded (not all but most). perhaps you feel you're contributing enuff, but she doesn't. i can't answer that without knowing more, but it sounds to me that she just needs a break.
does she have friends she goes out with? she could be simply depressed that she doesn't have that, nor has time alone with you out & having fun. one way or another you must find out (gently) what it is, tell her you love her & you want to work on it but you need to know the issues so you can start to fix whatever is wrong in the relationship. make sure she knows that if she's unwilling, there is no way to save it.
good luck!
2007-12-17 01:45:52 · answer #8 · answered by Sassy Gal 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm really sorry for what you're going through. It sounds like she's not sure what she wants. You need to put your child first in this situation. It's not fair to your child to have this level of instability in his/her life. Talk to your wife and give her a set period of time to either agree to counseling or make a decision about your relationship. Good luck.
2007-12-17 01:43:09 · answer #9 · answered by Ray 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
She loves you so why would she want to divorce. Ask her and she tells you the essential information. Hope she gets into counselling. Best wishes
2007-12-17 01:48:09 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋