Can someone help me improve this paragraph?

Question

One of the outstanding benefits of the radioisotope Cobalt-60 is the way in which their radiation can pass through the walls of a container to a suitable detector without requiring any contact with the substance being measured. This means that dangerous materials may be effectively controlled or measured without risk of leakage, either of the substance itself out from the container or of external contamination to the substance inside. Thus in the chemical industry many highly toxic materials may be measured and controlled completely without workers being affected significantly. Another important advantage in the use of this radioisotope is the method in which it is applied to measure materials does not affect, for example the flow of liquid or gas through a pipe and such flow can be completely unimpeded. Speed is another important advantage of the use of Cobalt-60. Measurements of density, level, etc may be carried out continuously so that processes may be readily controlled by the measuring signal derived from the radioisotopes system. Thus, a density gauge can control the mixing of liquids or solids so that a constant density is delivered from the machine. Additionally radioisotopes require very little maintenance and this ultimately makes the application of Cobalt-60 in industry very useful, as it saves money and time, two critical aspects in industry.

BOSSLEY PARK STUDENTS PLEASE DO NOT COPY MY WORK!

Answer 1

One of the outstanding benefits of the radioisotope Cobalt-60 is the way in which its radiation can pass through the walls of a container to a suitable detector. This requires no contact with the substance being measured; therefore, effectively controlling or measuring dangerous materials without risk of leakage (from the substance leaking out of the container or from external contamination to the substance inside). The use of Cobalt-60 in the chemical industry allows many highly toxic materials to be measured and controlled completely without workers being significantly affected. When applied, this radioisotope does not affect the flow of liquid or gas through a pipe. Speed is another important advantage when using Cobalt-60, as measurements of density, level, etc. may be carried out continuously so that processes may be readily controlled by the measuring signal derived from the radioisotope's system. Constant measurements (or whatever) allow the density gauge to control the mixing of liquids or solids so that a constant density is delivered from the machine. Radioisotopes require very little maintenance and this ultimately makes the application of Cobalt-60 in industry very useful, as it saves money and time, two critical aspects of the industry.


In general your transitions should be more fluid. Stop using "Thus", "Another important advantage", "Additionally". These interrupt the flow of a technical paper, as they dumb-down the beginning of your sentences. Work to build your transitions in by combining similar ideas and avoiding run-offs. You may want to combine a cause and effect, but then leave the details of the effect for another sentence.

You use "of the" too many times. Avoid this by rephrasing and restructuring your sentences. In a technical paper it is better to use less words.

Answer 2

The work is fairly technical and already well-written. The major suggested modification I could give is perhaps on this sentence:
Another important advantage in the use of this radioisotope is the method in which it is applied to measure materials does not affect, for example the flow of liquid or gas through a pipe and such flow can be completely unimpeded.

This is a complex sentence which tends to be somewhat open-ended. I suggest to do the following:
Another important advantage in the use of this radioisotope is the method in which it is applied to measure materials. It does not affect, for example the flow of liquid or gas through a pipe and such flow can be completely unimpeded.

I also suggest to change "etc" in the sentence "Measurements of density..." to "and others".

Those are my suggestion. Whether you accept them or not, you have done a great job here... Congrats!

Answer 3

Rewrite it in shorter sentences, and break it up into several smaller paragraphs.

By the time I got to the last words of your first sentence--which should always be the topic sentence--I had forgotten what the subject was about.

Also, try to limit the number of modifiers given a single noun or verb. One modifier is best. We should always avoid using more than two modifiers.

When I reread your paragraph it made more sense. You are communicating pretty well, but this subject can be overwhelming if you don't work to improve the clarity of your presentation.

You have the makings of a good technical writer.

Answer 4

It's very good. My only suggestion would be to end the sentence after "measure materials". Start the next sentence with "For example, it does not affect the flow...". Otherwise great job. I would give you an A.

switch affected significantly to significantly affected