Do you believe that most Partnerships and Marriages are Fundamentally Good?

Question

G&WS very frequently highlights the divisions between the genders. Abusive relationships. Childcare custody battles. Gold Diggers. The list goes on.

For all that, and with no prejudice to the answers, what do you believe? Are most relationships fundamentally nurturing and healthy, or are they dysfunctional lives of quiet desperation. Perhaps somewhere in the middle?

There are no right or wrong answers here, I guess it is a question of your own outlook and experiences.

It would be really interesting to know why you believe what you believe too.

Answer 1

I believe that they are as good as the work people are willing to put into them. Sadly, that often isn't very good at all. Because people are people and always imperfect, it comes down to how you manage those imperfections. At the beginning of many relationships, the imperfections are glossed over. The individuals are wrapped up in the romance or the lust and the reality of the other person is sometimes lost. The work starts later. The interesting thing is that the work doesn't necessarily have to be a 50-50 split. I think that in the past, part of the woman's job was to do the work of the relationship. Hence all those 1950s books and magazine articles about "how to keep your man happy" and such. It was expected that relationship maintenance was women's work. Were those partnerships "good"? I guess that's another question. My partner always tells me that there are three of us in our partnership - me, her and the relationship. I had one previous serious partnership in which I put effort into the me, and even the her, but not the relationship. Even though I believe that, in that situation, both her and I were fundamentally good, the relationship was fundamentally flawed and so became bad. I don't know if with the proper work it could have worked or not. I doubt it. I suspect that for many, the addition of children reduces the need for the marital partnership to be highly maintained. People drift apart but remain together. I don't think things become "bad" in those instances, they just become distant. It becomes additional work to make sure that doesn't happen.

Hmm. So are most partnerships and marriages fundamentally good? I guess I'll say most are fundamentally neutral. With the possibility to become good. (or bad).

Answer 2

Wonderful answers. Cliffy, Bijou and Reflejos : very much what I could say.
From my experience and from what has been shared with me, I'd have to say that most Partnerships/Marriages are not doing that well. I know of a few that have withstood the test of time and have been overwhelmingly fulfilling for both partners.
For the sake of argument, let me address marriages that have been maintained for 20 years or more. I was married for 38 years. I am not ashamed to admit that I should have left in the first week. As others have said, I "allowed" a very abusive and toxic relationship to continue. I finally gave up.
I learned that you can indeed love even when you have no reason to. One has to decide between living in misery while married because it fits with your world view and your outdated goals or giving yourself a chance at something that you now know you never had, without any guarantee that it is even possible.
When only one person is trying and the other is oblivious, there is no saving grace that can keep a marriage together.
Both people have to change what doesn't work for a different model of what a marriage should be. If someone's heart is hardened and that person has no interest in doing the work, then there really is no marriage, at all. I hope I made some sense.
C. :)!!

Answer 3

No I don't believe that "most" marriages and partnerships are fundamentally good. For each marriage/partnership that are nurturing, there's an equally destructive one so I'd say it's somewhere down the middle or 50/50.

Speaking from my own experience, my marriage is very good and nurturing and my older sister's marriage is the exact opposite in that it is abusive and dysfunctional.

Answer 4

Without any stats or references, and just using personal opinion only, no.

I think most relationships are not *evil* but they are not nurturing and challenging. At best they are comfortable places to hide from the things that push our buttons or make us afraid.

Not sure about 'desperation', but I see so many relationships that are about papering over the cracks in people's problems, instead of dealing with them.

I've had those relationships myself.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that's necessarily a big problem, just fairly ordinary, but for me, not a 'gold star' type relationship.

Like anything else in life, the best needs to be worked for and at. Maybe that's why is not 'common'.

Cheers :-)

Answer 5

Each individual in a relationship of any kind has their own view of what is good for them, so I will not judge how others' relationships should or should not be, only what I would like personally for myself, because it works for me, but may not be fulfilling for another.

However, I am strongly against abuse of any kind, especially towards children or when any one is obligated to marry or be in a partnership and have no say in the matter (as in some cultures), but excluding those who do not have the freedom to select their partner(s) -- and I am sharing my views directly about people who can and do decide for themselves -- these individuals choose to remain in their relationships, whether or not they are healthy for them, it is their choice to leave or stay.

So, my opinion is that most relationships are neither nurturing nor dysfunctional, but rather, each is what the individuals within allow for it to be, and is not for me to assume what is healthy or unhealthy for others, nor to judge their own decisions based on what I want or allow in a relationship.

Answer 6

Based solely on my own opinion and anecdotal evidence; I'd many relationships have the potential to be healthy and nurturing. Some people are equipped from the start to build a healthy relationship, some people are able to learn the skills needed to build healthy relationships, and sadly some people lack either the desire or the ability to build healthy relationships.

Answer 7

They are not fundamentally anything - they simply are.

A good marriage is (obviously) good, but a bad marriage can be worse than staying single. This hardly qualifies good or bad as a fundamental characteristic. How good a marriage (or partnership) is depends on what it's foundation is, what traits it consists of, how those traits and qualities were applied, and how it is maintained.

Answer 8

In truth a relationship is only as good as its foundation; a foundation that is built upon unity; a unity that is built upon belief so that in the end it fuses into one solid structure of commitment that can endure just about everything thrown at it, except death.**When "Sam" and I married in Amman Jordan 23 years ago we had it rough; rougher than most; for one thing we barely knew each other. Then we had the two different cultures to contend with; all that amongst the never-ending whisperings of "it's not going to work; he just wants the green card; tell you what I'll give them six-months tops," going on all around us when we came back to the states.**Now I belief more than ever our marriage is a solid structure which is built upon our solid belief in each other. So that we revolved into this: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ap0TbrwWMMtfljRaQy9XH2_ty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071216120409AAoOcjI&show=7#profile-info-KU9lmqtkaa

Answer 9

i think relationships are dynamic and rarely serve both individuals equally at the same time. when examining the relationships of family members it seems that one individual often feels content while the other is at least mildly disatisfied. that has certainly been the case for myself as well.

Answer 10

some are