Please Edit The 7 Lines I have So Far For My Song:?

Question

I am a 15 year old Boy just so you know andPlease Go As Harsh As You Can Go, Edit and rate out of 10 please (Second Song Ever):
Song (About A Crush):

I got bored, so I went to the mall
Seeing you there, dont know your name
Didn't ave the guts to talk to you there
Picturing you with me everywhere
Trying to get yo attention
Just look at me once so I can get the relaxin

Answer 1

Dude... I'm sorry to say this but you said we can be harsh... it doesn't rhyme... or make any sense... write another song! Lemme try...

There was a fifteen year old
He was tryin
To write a song
But it sounded so wrong
I told him Noooooo
Your song needs to Goooo
But if you think
That you are in sync
Then keep on Wriiiiiting!

Answer 2

Keep going....I got a tune in my head - like a talkin' song. Tunes like White T-shirts would use. Put emphasis on the not so apparent words in the song....

Answer 3

while at the mall u made me stall-
what a shame-i needed to know ur name
save
picturing u with me id take u everywher
can i have ur attention
just look at me once n ill ask u to lunch-

Answer 4

I would change the word "ave" to "have", and then I would delete everything else around it.

Answer 5

I wouldn't touch your work. You need to fill it with what you are feeling.