Need advice on asking husband for divorce...?

Question

I am going to tell my husband I want a divorce and I know he is not going to accept it. He gets angry very easily and I am not sure how to go about doing it. He does not get physical, just verbal. We have 3 children ages 10, 13, & 17 and I have been trying to wait until after Christmas. It is getting harder to do. He knows our marriage is in trouble (I have told him, just not said the "D" word). I am done and am ready to start over with my children and have a happy home with just myself and them. He causes them to cry several times a week for simple things, ignores us, pays attention when he feels like it, and more. Please do not lecture about counseling etc. I only want advice on: A: waiting til after Christmas (which I think I should do for the sake of the children), and B: how do I tell him? In a resteraunt where he can't blow up, at home alone, or somewhere with someone present? Also, I don't have money to go to a lawyer to serve him with papers. Help?!

Thank you for all your wonderful answers and advice. I will be waiting until after Christmas as I agree with most of you and had the same feeling before as I don't want my kids remembering Christmas as the time their parents split up. This will also give me more time to finalize plans (thanks again for more ideas). I do have a few friends who have already offered their homes. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you!

Sorry, just one more detail my concern is he is the type that talks circles around people and taks a good game and makes everything look good to everyone else. He plays a wonderful marytr. Only one or two people know what he is really like outside of us here at home, and they still only see part.

Answer 1

call some of your friends to stay beside you so that they can help you whatever happens anytime

Answer 2

That's hard. I'm a 38 yo man- and I divorced my wife a few years back. We have 3 kids too. Hardest thing you'll ever do. No matter what though, you have to keep these factors in mind:

#1) The dumbest thing you can do is feel sorry for the person you are divorcing - no matter what. When they find out, they will change their behavior to make it easier for you to feel bad for them. DON'T GO THERE.

#2) Kids KNOW when something is terribly wrong anyway. If you very carefully explain the situation to them at some point, they WILL understand it. Girls will understand it well before boys will, but both will get it. (I was lucky to have all girls -they are more switched on than boys, don't know why.)

#3) There MUST be a way to serve him with the papers without spending a lot of money. Check the internet.

#4) Waiting until after Christmas is a good idea. After New Years would be even better. The reason I say this is because things are open. Offices etc are open for business. You don't want to blow a bunch of time sitting around in misery waiting for some place you need to open.

#5) Record the conversation with a small recording device. Sounds paranoid, but you'll be surprised what kind of dirt will come out of the filters during that conversation. I feel sick right now just thinking about it.

#6) Don't only tell him, SERVE him with the papers. Treat it more like an action that is being taken rather than a conversation that's happening. The action of it will pack a bigger punch than just talking about it. HERE are the papers.

#7) Have someplace else to stay for a while in case things get too hot. See if a friend has a couch for you.

#8) Stay out of other relationships for at least a year when it's over. I'm guessing you knew this one.

Good luck!

Answer 3

This is a difficult question, I would wait until after the holidays. I know it will be horrible but I guess it is only a few more weeks. Spend as much time away from him as possible. Go shopping with the kids or go to some activities around town such as at church or a parade. Then when the time comes, I would sit down with him alone, I don't know if I could face him at a restaurant. But I would make sure the kids are gone and then just sit down with him and just tell him you want a divorce! Set the dates, such as when you or him are going to leave the house and make sure you are clear about those dates. If you come across wishy washy he may try to get by you. He will probably blow up, at that point you get up and re-state what is going to happen, such as "you need to be moved out of the house in 2 weeks and from now on you sleep in the basement!" Then you leave the house! Come back when the kids are supposed to be home. There is no easy way to do this, I have never had to do this but I have laid down an unpopular law a few times and this is how I usually do it. Don't sit there and waste time while he belittles and berates you. Good Luck!!!

Answer 4

First of all dont panic. A divorce is hard enough and you don't need to add to that by stressing out. Before you tell your husband your big news take your own time to cool down. think about the possible scenarios that could go down and how you will deal with them. this way you'll be prepared and there will be less surprises. Since there are kids in the house and your husband can get verbal do try taking him to dinner or someplace quiet but public. Try to first explain your reasons behind the divorce and your feelings about it. of course this is a delicate situation and the children should be as cushioned as possible from this expierience so try and tough it out until at least two months after the holiday season. Also try to make an effort to get along with the hubby this christmas and spare the kids the site of any arguments.

Answer 5

ok, well, my advice about the ppwk is to go to the library. They will have the ppwk that you need. You can make copies and if you live in a no fault state like I do, you can pay a filing fee (like $100). This only works though if he would sign the papers. In the city I live in, you can go to the clerks office to get them to serve the papers.

Now....about when / where to do it. I think if he gets abusive being in a restaurant would only put off the inevitable. He will just blow up later when you are home.

It might be best just to get through it. Just do it. I would wait until after the holiday though. He needs to know how you feel and putting it off seems like it causes you alot of anxiety. I would talk to the children first and see what their thoughts are. They are old enough to handle this and you want them to be prepared for whatever fall out there is, especially if he is verbally abusive.

I wish you well and I hope you are able to get through this with the least amount of worries as possible. I am going through something similar and the holidays are the worst this year because of it.

Answer 6

Even though you say you are not in a crisis, I would get in touch with your local domestic violence shelter for more information. They can give you lots of information, and all the choices will still be yours. Good advocates don't try to sway you to do anything. They know all the legal and safety resources, as well as having shelter, groups and counseling for victims of all kinds of abuse, not just physical abuse. (VERBAL COUNTS)...and resources to help a new single mom get on her feet if that is a problem. You partake of the services you want and need and they know how it all works.

Holidays aside, if things are bad enough or if you are in any danger, you really should consider immediate action. Your Christmas would suck anyway. If it is a slow brewing problem that can wait, of course this is a hard thing to do at Christmas time and of course you can wait.

You may want to reconsider how you think he will react...and have a plan of safety, up to and including shelter, if the sh!t hits the fan. If he has ever been unpredictably abusive in the past, I would err on the side of caution with this issue.

I'm sorry you and your kids are going through this. I wish you the best, and I just prayed for you to be wise and stay safe.

Answer 7

You better have a game plan and get ready to split here:
Step One Respect your spouse's feelings. There is a history between the two of you, and whether or not your love for them is gone, you should care about their feelings enough to be kind. Avoid triggering their emotional responses by being straightforward.
2Step Two Prepare for guilt. This may not necessarily come from your spouse. The people close to you, friends, family co-workers, may have some emotional reactions to your split. They may try to make you feel guilt about being the one to ask for divorce. Keep in mind that it is your life, and this is your way to make a new start.
3Step Three Use "we" statements. By stating that you both as a couple are having problems with communication you are not laying blame on your spouse. When you decide to ask for a divorce, you need to be as diplomatic as possible in the talk.
4Step Four Go to a public place. If you fear retribution or yelling, go to a secluded but public place. This will give you privacy to talk things through, but will hinder any heated arguments.
5 Step Five Be confident. No matter what the reaction to your statement, remain strong. When you ask for a divorce you may not be able to determine before hand what the reaction will be. Your spouse can be either very understanding, having felt the same way, or become very angry or emotional. Stand your ground, and make sure that you know exactly what you want to convey in the initial conversation.

Answer 8

A. YES definatly wait until after Christmas otherwise it will be horrible for the children, and something that they will always remember

B. If you really think that he is going to threaten your life, then I would do it at a private place with someone present ... someone that can protect you if necessary (Brother, Father, Male Friend) .....

On a side not, I know that you want to start over with your kids, but dont think that he wont try to get custody of the kids ... he will be angry and spiteful and do anything to hurt you, especially if it means taking custody of the kids.

As far as not having money to get the papers, go to your local county office and ask the fees and proper procedures ... they might know a way to help you through the system financially since you have 3 kids

Answer 9

Ugh, you are in a ugly situation but one that I am only to familiar with, as I to want to get away from a husband & I will but not till I take care of a few lose ends, & thank god he isnt a verbal jerk, my hubbys just a functioning drunk! & We dont have kids, but we own a home together, but enough about me, lets talk about what you should do, Im really leaning on the side of you hanging in their for the sake of the kids till X-mas is over, I mean you have held on for this long, whats another 10 days? I also see you have done a bit of your homework regarding this guy, I like the idea about meeting him & talking about divorce in a safe place like a resteraunt, smart idea! This gives you more control & leaves him looking helpless, I love that! Now the hard part, money, if you want a divorce, you need money & alot of it, as good attorneys or even bad attorneys are gonna cost ya, so I recomend that you get one, if you cant afford it theirs whats called legal aid, I dont know where you live but many, many states have this & you still have to pay but charge you by what your income is. So do some reading on line or in the yellow pages & check it out. Wish You lots of luck! Because I cant stand a man who is a verbal jerk!

Answer 10

Your husband knows it's over also. But his pride is going to be hurt. I would wait till after New Years and then I would tell him with either a friend or relative , altho relatives tend to want to stay out of things. Don't tell him in front of the children. Sometimes the father , or mother has a way of making the children a weapon against the other. I would tell him in a crowded place. Also, I would talk it over in private with the children as they are old enough to know what is going on. Get their advice on what they think you should do, but by all means, make them know that none of you and your husbands problems are not their fault. I would explain that you and your husband have just went in two seperate directions and it is no ones fault. Don't use the kids as a weapon against him and I would make arrangements to let them see him, IF they want too. The kids are really the ones who get's hurt in thses kind os situations. It is sad but true.

Answer 11

Use a credit card to hire a lawyer. Mine only cost $599.... he was sleezy, but got the job done. If you are going to do it.... file for custody of the kids before you tell him and request to stay in the marital home (which will force him to move out). These things will only be in effect until you go to court pending a judge's decision. If he is making your children cry every day then waiting until after Christmas is not going to make your holidays any better, it may be the opposite... less stress with him gone could make your holiday brighter. Good luck!