Give up? or keep trying?

Question

been seperated from my wife for 9 months. Been trying like hell to save our marriage.She's had a boyfriend for a few months,no big deal.She"s cheated on me a few times in our 8 year marriage.Last time we talked she said she needed to divorce if we ever have a chance to get back together. Huh? I figure if we get divorce,then we're done for good.I dont understand her way of thinking.What to do people?

Answer 1

Hello, Tom......
I can't help but write that I wonder why you are trying so hard to save this marriage when she has cheated on you through out your marital relationship and now has a boyfriend.
I am wondering why you feel the need to continue in a relationship with someone who appears not to care much about your feelings or your health......
Having promiscuous sex in this day and age is very dangerous, with STDs that can be deadly. Each time she
is with another man, she is also with all the other partners
that man has been with, in terms of contracting illnesses.....
And then, I would assume, she returned to your bed and
you, in turn, were open then to the same potential diseases.

As a nurse, I have known people with deadly sexually transmitted diseases and seen them die. This is such a
tragedy and it can be a horrible way to find out that someone you love has once again cheated on you.

The other aspect is.....how do you feel knowing she has
betrayed you by being with other men, even after taking
marital vows in which she promised to be with only you?

You do not mention whether the two of you have any children, but I am assuming that you do not. If you were to get back
together, Tom, how would you know some day if she were
to get pregnant whether that baby was really yours or not?

When you think of your life, Tom, do you ever wonder how it
must feel to be with a woman who really loves only you? A
woman you know you can trust, someone you never have to
have a second thought about catching a dreaded illness from....or ever have to wonder if she is going from your arms to the arms of another?

You do deserve that kind of love, you know. There are so many lonely women in the world, women who are looking for
genuine love and would adore a man who wants to really
work on a stable, monogamous relationship.

It does not make a bit of sense that she said she'd need a
divorce if the two of you ever were to have a chance to be
together again....I hope you can see that as clearly as I can,
Tom. It sounds like she is holding that out to you to give you
hope you and she will be together again someday.....
But truly, Tom......life does go on.....even after something
as painful as this type of situation and divorce.

I am not one to encourage divorce; I do believe in marriage---but some marriages are mockeries of what
marriage is really about. In your case, I really feel the
need to encourage you to accept she is gone.

Accept what she may not have said all of these cheating years, but showed by her actions. I learned once in a values clarification class in college that if you really want to know what someone believes, don't listen to what they say, watch what they do.

Well, Tom.....what has she done?

You deserve better than this. She may need some form of counseling, she may have mental health issues, she may
have some form of addiction, or she may just want to live
as she is living......

I hope you will find a woman who is able to love you back,Tom.

All the best,
Doris

Answer 2

Getting divorced so you'll have a chance to get back together, sounds like burning your house down so you can paint it! The woman is running a game on you I think. She wants you to give her divorce so she can marry the other guy. And did you hear what you said about her screwing off on you several times during the eight years of your marriage? That sucks man, you can do better than that. Let her go. They probably deserve each other.

Answer 3

If she cheated on you during the course of your marriage, she's not going to change anytime soon, hon.

Why don't you do what is best for YOU? Move on, and go forward with your own life.

You are sitting there like stagnant water waiting for a miracle to happen... if she already has a boyfriend, then apparently getting back together isn't the foremost thing on her agenda.

There are websites out there for help and support, too. You might do a yahoo search for SURVIVING A BREAK UP or LIFE AFTER BREAKING UP or LIFE AFTER DIVORCE.

I hope you can find the courage to move on. you deserve better.

Answer 4

have you been faithful? If so I think it is good that you will forgive her. some people dont take into acount for the friendship and history you have built togeather. I think it is better to try to save a relationship. From the looks of what you said she is making it tough for you to do that.
If she wants a divorce she will get one and there is nothing you can do about it, at least that is how it is in California.
Ben there I went through the same thing

Answer 5

Better to break it off before you end up getting her pregnant. Divorce is so much harder when children are involved. You can move on and start fresh with someone new. There are a lot of women out there, especially 30-somethings, looking for a good man. Good Luck.

Answer 6

Divorce her. You are trying to make it work and she had a boyfriend? I don't think that is how you work out a marriage. She has cheated on you more than once? Have there been other times that she just did not get caught? I would not think twice. Let her go.

Answer 7

I know you really love her even after all that has happened between you, but trying to hang on is a form of control, and that may be the reason she keeps moving further away from you. You don't have her now, other than on paper and that paper obviously isn't keeping her at home, or making you happy, so what do you have to lose?

You are hanging on to the past, because you are afraid to start living for the future because you might not have her. You are trying to take away her freedom to choose, because you don't think it will be you, and it may not be, but as long as you continue to control her choices, she will always resent you for it, and she wont want to be with you. When you give people the freedom to make decisions for themselves, they will come to value you more. Her life is moving forward with or without you, but your life is stuck in the past and you have to get beyond that so you can be happy again.

Answer 8

if you divorce her you should be sure thats what you truely want and you have no doubts. it doesnt seem as if she wants to truely work things out she has a boyfriend and is asking for a devorce! does that even sound right? if you love her and want to work things out with her then tell her how you feel and if she wants the same then try but if thats not what she wants then its time to give up and move on you'll only be making yourself misserable by sticking around also take into consideration that she's a cheater she either wants to be with you or she wants to be a skeeze dont put up with it anymore for the sake of your sanity. good luck deciding

Answer 9

ive been seperated from my husband for a few months now and as soon as i can afford it i will be filling for divorce. your wife sounds like my husband. he moved in with a female coworker and tells me he does not want a divorce. he left a month before our 9 year anniversary. im sorry but as far as i am concerned that is it. we had this problem when we were married just 2 years and i gave him a second chance. but he has went and did it again.what blows my mind is that he got mad when i asked him if he was divorceing me. go figure. im sorry but once it happens it will continue to happen. what you need to figure out is if that is the way you want to live. as far as i am concerned i deserve better than that.dont get me wrong it hurts like hell but i dont want to live my life waiting to see when he is going to do it again. do you have any kids? i have one and i dont intend for my child to have to go thru that .

Answer 10

She just is trying to find a good enough way to let you down. If she just straight up says HEY, I do NOT want to be married anymore, she knows you would be crushed. She has another guy - yea, it IS a big deal, because SHE has moved on and YOU have not.

Keep thinking there is any hope?? NO WAY. This has been over for quite some time.