He kinda wants to quit but kinda doesn't and he knows he should. Hes quit in the past with AA, and has been thinking about going to AA again. The only way his addiction affects our relationship is financially. I know, thats bad enough. But he wants help and support from me also. Ive never dealt with an alcoholic or any kind of addict before so i have no idea how to help and support him. Any advice? Please be respectful!
2007-12-16 13:18:05 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Also, he gets depressed alot about not having custody of his kids anymore and being in a different state now he cant see them as much as he used to. But he moved here to try to better himself and start fresh.
2007-12-16 13:54:51 · update #1
Giggles....there is no reason for anyone to disrespect your serious question about someone you care about.
I think it is a very good idea that you are asking about how to help and how to support him---and I have a very healthy suggestion for you---Al Anon.
It is a 12 step program that is similar to AA for those who drink, only Al Anon is for those who love someone with a drinking
problem. You can attend and learn a lot from others who are
walking in the same shoes you are.
You will learn not only how to support and help him, but also
healthy ways to take care of yourself at the same time.
If this man is your fiance, then you are facing a lifelong illness
that he has---and it is not going to go away. Alcoholics
Anonymous teaches that with serious working of the steps,
you can become a "recovering alcoholic" but you are not
cured.
As you have seen yourself, when he quit going to AA, he
returned to drinking. I hope he does go back again.
Right now you are writing that the only way his drinking affects your relationship is financially---but to marry him, and
perhaps depend on him to help pay for a home.....or if
children come along---you may depend on someone who is
not very reliable if actively drinking....and it can become far
more difficult than you find it now.
Also, alcoholism is a progressive illness, it gets worse without treatment.....
So it behooves you to learn as much as you can, and I do think it is very positive that you wrote this email asking for advice. Good for you!
I know of many long term marriages of recoverings and their spouses, who have learned through AA & Al Anon how
to cope with a potentially deadly illness.
I wish you well......and him, too. Miracles can and do happen.
Doris
2007-12-16 13:34:35 · answer #1 · answered by Doris L 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to say this, but this has red flags written all over !!!
An alcoholic will always be an alcoholic. It's not something you can play with or think you can "control".
A person who likes alcohol -but is convinced that it harms them- will go to AA meetings and stay away from liquor and parties because they KNOW that the alcohol is stronger than them.
These people are the only ones that can succeed in life even though they have this problem; because they WANT to stop drinking and hurting others around them. It takes a lot of courage and determination to do this, and not everyone has this kind of strength or will.
Unless your fiance admits he has a drinking problem, and DECIDES to look for help, there is nothing you can do to prevent him from drinking and doing dumb/dangerous things.
He HAS to WANT to get help if he wants to get better.
As for you, I'd say take a step back and try to see the whole picture. You may think he's the guy for you now, but do you think you will be able to love him and be there for him when he's hurt you and him along the way? Is he the kind of man you want as your kids' father and role model?
Please try to be honest and if you cannot see yourself bailing him out all the time and being a mortified victim, then leave him.
Chances are he will not change, and you will be very sorry in the future when you see you wasted your time with him. Good luck.
2007-12-16 13:45:51 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
With AA or NA meetings there sometimes is what they call alanon meetings. Which is a group of family members and friends of those going through an addiction. The group is there to help people understand their loved ones addiction as well as share stories and help others through hard times. If you do not know anything of those groups you could also talk with someone who has had a few years clean time, maybe your husbands sponsor and such and ask them what they suggest. I am sure there family has gone through the same thing. So get in touch with those family members from the AA group. That is how my mother and my neighbors wife got through some of the harder times and now they are both doing very well.
2007-12-16 13:27:11 · answer #3 · answered by Showers 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes i have advice... please attend Alanon meetings as soon as you find one!!! And keep attending!!
You need help too... you believe this "only affects you financially" but when the rent isn't paid, and the electric is shut off, and you start arguing, everything will change.. and why on earth would you want to be around someone who is drunk all of the time?
I can tell that you haven't been exposed to alcoholism, and know nothing about it.. the hard truth is, the booze is more important to an alcoholic than anything -- including wives and other loved ones.
I am a recovering alcoholic, and i can tell you -- i'm disgusted with my past behaviors... the drinking, the stupidity of it all!
2007-12-16 13:25:26 · answer #4 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You are right to be concerned that this binge drinking for the sole purpose of getting drunk may be alcoholism. When a person does things that are hurtful and upsetting to another person it indicates a lack of regard for the other person. His verbal abuse may very well be a precursor to physical abuse in the years to come. He is telling you quite clearly that his drinking is very important to him. Being drunk and abusive fills some need in his life. Listen to what he is saying and believe him. He loves alcohol more than you or your baby. As sad as it is, you need to face the truth and leave him now. You don't want to waste the next 40 or 50 years living with a man who has no regard for your feelings. It's down hill from this point. He has made his choice. No sorrowful words of apology will undo the harm he is doing, has done, and will do in the future.
2016-04-09 08:04:15 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Giggles I am sorry to hear that your man battles with alcohol. It is so important with this trouble to start to look at your man's life, his childhood, and unhappiness that he travel through with his mother and father and family. The first place for him to go is to therapy for the sadness of his young life as a child - there must be some bad experiences in his history.
Before he can go to alcohol-quit sessions, he must have many hours of discussions about his history with a professional therapy provider. If he can unlock those unhappy secrets and habits in his soul, he can then go to quit sessions and maybe be successful.
My best friend had a man deep in the bottle, and he had therapy very well to discuss his history as a child. He stopped drinking after a time, and is now a happy man. It is a lot of very hard work for a man to do this therapy, but keep with him and give him strength - he can do it :)
==HUG== I hope you can help him to get therapy and find greater love when he stops the bottle :)
2007-12-16 13:34:19 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Either he's not really an alcoholic because if he really was an alcoholic it would be hurting you two a lot more than financially or he is an alcoholic and you don't really love him. Not everyone who goes to AA is an alcoholic many are simply pressured into thinking that they are because of the strong messages put out. It's almost cult like for some. Anyways, the point I'm making is that either he is a drunk and you don't love him or he's not really a drunk and he needs to budget his money a lot better. Either way, you should reconsider marrying him because either you don't love him or your in love with a weak minded fool who considers himself an alcoholic when he's not!
2007-12-16 13:27:49 · answer #7 · answered by some female 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Well I have had to deal with an alcoholic mother. You have to be there for them. Sometimes tough love is the best. My dad threatened divorce and full custody of my brother and I. Only if she was not willing to go get help. She did it took a wile. My dad stopped drinking too. As a way to help my mom. We would find vodka about the house. When we find it and tell her how disappointed we were. She felt awful. She went to AA it helped. She also when to see a Phycoligist for a little bit too. She was depressed so she drank.
With the love and support from us she wanted to get better. They need to want it.
She has been sober for 12 years now and going strong.
2007-12-16 13:33:17 · answer #8 · answered by snowflake311 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
An alcoholic is always one. The addiction is very powerful and it wrecks families.
It is so commendable that you are helping your fiance, do not..... repeat....do not get married to him. You are in for major disaster in your life and financial ruin. Many a family have been wrecked because of this. Knowing fully well that he is an alcoholic do not enter into a long time commitment. You also have to look after yourself.
You may say you love him and you cannot live without him. But mark my words - it will ring so true in future - you will find it extremely difficult to live with him.
But, of course, continue to show support and help him.
2007-12-16 13:31:08 · answer #9 · answered by Nightrider 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
They also have classes for people who aren't alcoholics but who live with or deal with an alcoholic. My mom used to go to those meetings. That's good that your fiance at least KINDA wants to quit. They key is to get him to want to quit completely! The best way to support him is to go to AA meetings with him or you can look up AA meetings online and find a local telephone number to call. They should be able to give you further info and or referrals to help you.
I wish you the best.
2007-12-16 13:29:07 · answer #10 · answered by grneyedgrly 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋