My son and his wife, married 2 years, have new computers, big screen TV, new car, etc, all of which they probably bought on credit which has left them with no money for Christmas presents. The past year, I gave him money to pay for extensive dental work as he could not afford to have it done otherwise. I also gave them generous gifts of money on every occasion, and now for Christmas I have done the same. They gave me a card but told me they will not be buying anyone any Christmas gifts as they cannot afford it. I have not let it bother me up til now and I feel kind of petty that it is in the back of my mind that they could get me some little thing. What do you think?
2007-12-16 12:54:39 · 18 answers · asked by Lean_on_Me 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
yes, you should feel hurt, they are aware that the smallest of gifts to the one who has helped the most would be genuinely admired. But with that aside, you should be helping them no further, this is not help. This is absolutely of no good to them, I have seen this tragedy played out a thousand times, even dear Abby, has warned against this. You need to start saying no to money, for their own good, they need to learn to live within their means, even if it means losing some of these things, otherwise things can and will only get worse, untill they are in over their heads. I would not be surprised, if they don't get angry, when you do say no, i would bet they already "expect" this type of generousity. When gifts are necessary give them one, or the amount you would have paid for one, but you need to stop enableing them, by supporting this over spending on credit, sooner or later it will all come crashing down around them and who do you think they will come to, to solve the problem. And when you can't or don't help, it is you who they will be angry at or blame. It will also cause strife in the marriage. What happens, when a time or day comes when you can't help? Mark my words, and put a halt to it now, they may be upset for a while but not as much as down the road. You are only feeling the beginning now, what do you think they've done with your generous gift?, try to catch up on bills, maybe.
2007-12-16 13:35:10 · answer #1 · answered by ferochira 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
While I understand you feel a bit guilty for feeling this way (USED by them), you shouldn't be.
Sounds to me like you feel that as a father you shouldn't be feeling this way at all; but you are human and there is nothing wrong in calling things by their name. I think you would be some kind of saint if you didn't feel bugged about this attitude of theirs...!
You have been generous before, and if they have taken your money -and now do not have the decency to buy you a nice gift, then I'd say they are shallow, immature and selfish.
Perhaps you could consider being less generous in the future. If your son asks why or makes some comment on your change, then you tell him how you feel and see if he does anything to change for the better. Just don't be disappointed if he gets upset- chances are he's a spoiled brat.
Good luck ...and take it easy.
2007-12-16 13:07:29 · answer #2 · answered by Nena S 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try this.. For the next holiday give them a card with no money in it and tell them you just realized from the cards you have received from them in the last few years that the card itself was gift enough.. If that doesn't get the message across then just stick with the cards at holidays and special occasions.. When I can't afford to buy for my parents I pick flowers for my mom and make cookies, brownies, cakes, etc... Its not the amount its the thought thats put into it.. A store bought card doesn't show much thought in my opinion.. So yes I believe you have the right to feel hurt and unappreciated
2007-12-16 13:01:22 · answer #3 · answered by Julie J 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
As a mother with a son who makes enough money to pay his bills with nothing left over i give him money to have. I also have bought his Christmas presents to give to other people. I would be very hurt if my son didn't think enough about me to buy me something for Christmas. I don't think you are wrong at all and of course your feelings are hurt after all you have went out of your way to help him and at least he can do is show you how much he appreciates what you have done for him and his wife. This is what we get for spoiling our kids,i think our generation has gone way over board with our kids today.
2007-12-16 13:23:23 · answer #4 · answered by Teenie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
They did give you some little thing--they gave you a card......
However, it is understandable that you want to know your are thought of and loved, and I believe that is the basis for you feeling as you do about their decision not to buy any type of gift for you.
It sounds like you have been a very giving parent---and perhaps it is now time for you to use your money to take care of you...to do something special for you or you and a friend---to make your holiday special and to feel the love, even if it is self love at Christmas......
Spend time with people who are not so self centered---find family or friends who you enjoy spending time with and give a dinner party or go out to a nice meal with some of them....but
learn to do some things that bring you joy rather than giving so much of yourself and your money away.
It sounds like your son and his wife can well afford the things they really want.....and if they could afford those things, he most likely could have paid for his own dental work as well,
though it may have eaten into his "toy budget"---
You have loved them and shared your money with them---
they have decided not to share their money with you.
It is time for you to reassess how you choose to live your life and spend your money.....it is fine to be generous with others, but it is also fine to decide that they are adults and well able to care for their own needs.
God bless you and I pray you make your Christmas merry
and filled with love----no matter how your son and daughter
in law choose to celebrate the holiday.
Doris
2007-12-16 13:16:35 · answer #5 · answered by Doris L 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes .. they could have & should have made special efforts to do something nice for you.
I hear so many parents telling this same basic story about the kids they help.
What is so ironic about it .. is that when the parent who gives lots & all of the time ... the kids get mad at them when they have to stop giving ... and .. they do very little for the parents who have helped them. It's weird.
If you can, try not to let your feeling be hurt .. this is a universal things with kids .. you are not alone. Try not to expect anything out of them .. and it will not hurt you as badly. Also - just be proud that they are safe.
You are a loving mother - and lots of kids do not appreciate this special love.
Yes .. they should get you something .. and they should consider you greatly.
2007-12-16 13:19:31 · answer #6 · answered by Tara 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think this is something you should be feeling hurt over, but more like concerned that your son has his financial priorities all screwed up. From my observation it seems like money and material things are in issue in this family. Why do you give your son and his wife expensive things/money on special occasions? Do you really think that shows or measures the love you have for them? Bottom line, if they can't afford it, they can't afford it. Why be upset over it? Sounds to me like your son and his wife need to focus on getting their finances in order before it gets any worse. They've got obvious financial issues and you're concerned over not getting a gift??? Do you see something wrong with this picture?
2007-12-16 13:09:15 · answer #7 · answered by grneyedgrly 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you have enabled your son and his wife to USE you mercilessly and it's your own fault.
When we give and give until we are blue in the face, it's not healthy, in the first place.... Your son might be your little boy, but he is now an ADULT and as an adult, he needs to take care of himself. This means, paying his own bills and for his own dental work....
No one is obligated to give gifts at holidays -- and the fact that your son isn't giving you anything, just goes to show how much he "expects" and does not appreciate all you give....
Perhaps from now on, give token gifts for birthdays and christmas...
Hon, there is nothing wrong with helping once in a while... but i am sure you only have limited funds... you're not 29 anymore, and you reallly need to hold on to what you have and use it for YOU... you may need something someday, or even may WANT to do something special for yourself....
Your son and his wife will have to fend for themselves... My sons do.
take care.
2007-12-16 13:06:21 · answer #8 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think it's really wrong for them not to buy you anything at all. Expecially with you being the parent. Obviously they spent a lot of money on all their toys, but didnt want to leave room for even a small gift for you. I think it's really unthoughtful of them and quite rude.
Advice, dont hold a grudge and just dont go all out when buying them presents. You dont have to be so generous especially when they are doing this. Giving is not about receiving but in this case I believe it's pretty pathetic for your son to not even get you a box of chocolates...
2007-12-16 13:07:32 · answer #9 · answered by Micah 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Those two are too old for you to be playing Santa Claus to.....let it slide this time but make a New year's resolution that they get no more hand-outs, just cards at the appropriate times, 'cause you can't afford otherwise.....think they'll get a clue then? Good Luck
2007-12-16 13:04:41 · answer #10 · answered by The Original GarnetGlitter 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋