Any Ideas? Finance issues are destroying our relationship?

Question

Hi, I am 35 yrs old and 4.5 months pregnant, never been married, no previous children, my partner is divorced and has two children that we have shared custody of. He was done over and hurt bad financially in his divorce settlement. Now we have a new baby coming and I feel driven to organise our lives and make some goals I have found out from partner firstly he wont be sharing any money from his previous life...ok fair enough, so I said well then we need to start off and build equally together, and he just said he didnt want to spend his life again being a slave to the dollar and working his ass off, well ok thats fine too, but I have goals and now with a child coming I want to create or start working towards security for my child and I am slaving to the bone exhausted trying to be a step mom and cleaning up after everyone and I honestly dont see the point continuing without any direction. I may as well be alone have only one child to look after and save for my own future, the chances of any merging or cohesiveness together seems like its no go, so whats the point of me exhausting myself. Any ideas or solutions?

Answer 1

get rid of the jerk, he is not interested in a lifetime commitment to you and your baby......

Answer 2

honey there are no idea's, there are no solutions. This is not a finance issue, it is the ulimate in self centered, greed. You have already been abandoned!!! He will not share money from his previous life?! He will not work "his" ass off?!! Did you make this baby by yourself?? Tell him it's all cool, you shall work your ass off and take care of your baby and self, tell him an allowance must be made for the new baby, wheather it's money from the old life or his new life matters not, but he did help make it, he will also do half the work for this new child, that goes for cleaning. But explain he will not have to share anything of his old life, which also pertains to the nuturing, care, work, babysitting and cleaning of his children, but should he require any help it can be arranged at the standard hourly rate of any maid, sitter, nurse, waitress or nanny. He cannot say what he has, and expect you to take on the results of his past life. That is being totally obsurd, putting you in the position of a "SLAVE" not partner or wife, your child will come in last, leaving no security for your child. Tell him exactly this, see his response, ask how he could expect (not even ask) you to take this on, under the conditions he has expressed. Once you tell him this he'll tell you it's over, because you are of no use to him if you do not do it his way. Get yourself and child away from this man, I'm sorry but he is one useless piece of sh_t. He wants all the benifits of a maid, waitress, nanny, sitter, hooker, all of this full time and on call, free and will not share, show responsibility, deny fatherhood, help finacially. Boy, i thought i had heard it all, you darling are and have been used, bigtime!!! There is absolutely no hope for this situation, notice i did not say "relationship" because there never was one. Get out now, things can only get worse, which is no good for the baby! Sue the bast__d for child support.I get the feeling it won't be long before a real man cross's your path. Besides when the baby comes, you'll need to take care of you two, not 3 others. The baby deserves that, so do you.

Answer 3

A few, actually. Finances, how buckos will be spent and the rest of it are usually things a couple agree upon before adding another mouth to feed......this kind of stuff is really common when your partner has kids from a previous relationship... the second family is always the one that ends up with less

For sure having a baby at 35 is rather on the edge of your biological clock, so for sure if you wanted a child, the earlier the better, in your case. You refer to him as "your partner", thus I assume that you are not married. so in case of the whole thing blowing up, he won't be again entangled in a divorce mess....

In your place, I'd share those other kids a bit less often to spare yourself some of the work, (which apparently isn't much appreciated anyway, is it? and, as well sock cashola away that he does not know about.... in fact, read the four little items that my mom began pounding into my head beginning when I was 13. Read the last two, reeeeellllly carefully. They may just some day apply for you. And I gotta tell ya, these saved my A ($$$$$) more times that I could count.... got to see the traps way before I fell into them

1. The most important decision you will ever make is who you marry. Choose with your head as well as your heart.
2. Have no children until your bond is strong, and have no more than you yourself can support. You may just have to
3. At any and all costs finish your education to qualify for those high paying jobs. It is likely that you will work sometime during your marriage, probably for decades…. Get paid for it. And remember, your kids and your education are forever…. Husbands, lovers and promises are not!!
4. Have a stash of cash no one knows about even if you are sure you will never need it. You absolutely will, and the more the better.
Sent to you with love from my mom...

Answer 4

For an abortion it depends how far along she is, if she is to far along then she cant have one. Adoption- Might be a good choice because they probably can give him/her a better life then you can (No offence) but like more finance way. and they can give them all the attention the baby needs. with adoption you can do it 2 ways, an Open Adoption where you give them baby to another family, but you still get to see the baby whenever you want. Or Closed Adoption where you don't get to see the baby or if you do, it's rare. Keeping the child- Keeping the baby may be stressful. You said you were in collage, so you need to Focus on your studies, and staying up all hours through the night with a crying baby wanting to be fed ever few hours wouldn't work. And the girl carrying the baby doesn't seem responsible enough to handle one, she would probably give it to her parents to take care of or just not know what to do. So my best advice would be to go for an OPEN Adoption so you will still be able to see the child and will be able to focus on school work and get everything done. Hope I helped :)

Answer 5

I have been in a very similar situation. I have older daughters ina previous marriage. I am almost 34 (male), and I have a 2-year-old son with my gf of 4 years. The whole family has come together well, and everyone gets along pretty well. He's prob just stressed (was it a oops pregnancy?). It will come together, unless you bail.
I think all these people say run away are just being ignorant. You work on your probs, not take off and get child support. You think that kid wants child support or a dad?

Answer 6

Well, i think you have your priorities and ideas on the right place and he is the one who is failing and even showing a total lack of character. It's a very hard situation, specially with your child almost coming and to be honest with you, i don't think he's up to it or that he is even trying to appreciate the woman you are and all the effort's you've been through. This kind of man normally have a name, losers, and are not the best kind for a young woman who are about to be a mother.
Sorry if I'm being to rough on him but i think that you and your child deserve much better.
I know it's tough to make a decision in your actual condition but looking at your child future, you are still in time to get him a better father and someone who will take care of both of you as it should.

Answer 7

Solution 1- He has no choice but to share money from his 1st life with his baby, all you have to do is prove by DNA that the baby is his, take his butt to court, reveal all of his asset and the court will award the child a % plus child support. contiune your life as you are and take care of his other children of whom you are not the stepmom if you aren't married.

Solution 2- do all of the above through the court awarding you child support, and then kick his sorry butt out and let him figure out how to take care of his own children.

He sounds like a selfish butt who feels as though he owes nothing to anyone, well guess what he owes a lot to his children and the one on the way and unless we start making these men that act like this be responsible they never will!!

Answer 8

He doesn't sound real excited about having another child. He also doesn't seem real excited about being your husband/partner. You can't make him be excited about these things but you can make him pay child support.

He will support this child one way or the other if you insist. I feel sorry for the kid having a father who is such a butt head.

Realize you can't control his actions only your reactions. Do what is best for you and the child and he will have to decide whether to step up as a father and husband/partner or simply a child support check.

Good luck.

Answer 9

you need to decide if you want this relationship.
what's in it for you?
i recommend moving into your own place and developing your own future and getting child support from him.
if he wants a relationship with you, you will have certain terms. for example about how he has to contribute.
if i were you i would stop taking care of his kids. let him do that. since he's not sharing in the work, why should he share in the rewards.
your best bet is to leave and let him have his kids alone a few times. or tell him your criteria for a relationship includes him contributing and if he doesn't then it's over.

Answer 10

my idea is you did not get pg without having a huge talk about this. you married him without knowing about his lack of goals????? what a surprise for you. he is divorced and men like this will never ever make goals with a woman again cause they dont want to get hurt moneywise or fooled again. you lose, cause you did not root out this attitude before you got pg. i know a man who shut down a multi million dollar business rather than have a woman share the profits who left him. yes i do. he has a goal, his goal is not to ever mix his money with a woman again. you are bearing the brunt of his last mistake. that is your mistake. a lot of people could learn from your question, it happens to a lot lot lot of women. your bad. too bad. and not married????? ohhhh, thats a bad one;. he is probably furious at this as well. you have put yourself in a position of weakness and he is punishing you. he has a mean streak doesnt he.

what to do? you wont do this, but i would be gone when he gets home tonight. i would and i would and when he finds me and calls me i would tell him in no uncertain terms in plain english i am not going to live the rest of my life paying for his mistake in picking a bad apple for a first wife. and then i would hang up the phone and stay gone. he is doing this in part to you cause he wants to get back at women in general for his first wife taking what is hers, he feels she does not deserve it, and he feels you deserve even less. a dangerous for you attitude. i would not stand for it one day. cause if you do, he will treat you like unpaid hired help he does not have to respect or take care of, and that is not marriage for you, that is employment. or servitude. you are warned strongly. i would leave and disappear, and i would not discuss his bad attitudes, i would demand my own interests be respected.

financial issues are not ruining your relationship, you both not revealing your adjendas is, you getting knocked up is, he not wanting to commit to you is. you both not married and living a committed life is, finances are the least of it.

Answer 11

That is sad. It sounds like your man won't meet you all the way. That happens alot in second marriages.

You just have to deal. You will work hard, clean up after brats, and do extra work. That is the woman's lot in life, if she marries a previously married man.