What's the best CLEAN joke you've ever heard?

Answer 1

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."

"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"

"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."

The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."

"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.

"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody.

or

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.


2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.


4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.


5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.


7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.


8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.


9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.


10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.


12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.


13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.


14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

Answer 2

A blind man walks into Marks & Spencer's (English version - replace with your favourite department store) and starts swinging his guard dog around above his head. A shop assistant looks on curiously, and says 'Excuse me sir, can I help you?'. The man replies "No thanks, I'm just looking around'.

Another joke about a blind man, but not so clean. A nun is in the library at a convent, when she hears a knock on the door. "Who is it?", she asks. "The blind man", the voice at the other side of the door replies. She asks him to come in, and then to take a seat and wait for her. She suddenly feels very aroused. It has been years since she has even seen a man. She stands up, and takes her habit off, and then her thick stockings and shoes, and finally her underwear. She stands before the blind man completely naked, and says "Now. How can I help you?". The blind man replies "Well maybe you can tell me which window you want me to hang the blinds on. Nice ti ts by the way".

Answer 3

So this very rich man was dying and the angel appeared to him. The rich man said, "please, I need to take my wealth with me...I have so much, you see". The angel responded, "I'm sorry, it's the rules! You can't bring anything with you". The man thought for a moment and said, "how about just one suitcase, just one, I promise?" The angel replied, "well. Okay, just one".

The man was able to figure out a way to get all his wealth into one suitcase. He was very pleased.

Showing up at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter saw the man struggling with what seemed to be an incredibly heavy suitcase. "Oh, no, no luggage!" said St. Peter. "But the angel said I could!", protested the man. "Well.." said St. Peter, "you know, security. I'll have to check what's in it!" He opened the suitcase and saw a huge, solid brick of gold. He stared at its contents for a moment, and then lifted his head to the man and said in a puzzled tone of voice, "you brought......pavement????"

Answer 4

Murphys`shop Dublin-sign` offer today-- 1 BAR OF SOAP--for the PRICE OF 2``??

Answer 5

Kudos to the above Chicago Bears joke!!!

Answer 6

There once was a constipated mathmetician
who worked it out bit by bit with a pencil

Answer 7

Have you heard about the Irish woman falling of the ladder while she was ironing the curtains

Answer 8

Tarzan and his jungle friends went to go for a swim at a nearby falls...
Tarzan shouted "Okay, everyone, we jump altogether in the water in three...two....one..."

So everyone, jumped into the water....

As they all surfaced from the water, the monkey was laughing at Tarzan and asked "Tarzan, I didn't know you have a tail in front, now that is weird!"

All the other animals laughed!

Answer 9

There were three men floating down the river on a marble slab.====== I hope you got it.

Answer 10

knock knock
who's there
boo
boo who
don't cry little baby

Answer 11

a man walks in to a bar... ouch

knock knock,
whos there
boo
boo who
there there no need to cry its just a joke

both told to my by my friends little boy