Another poem here about the times we live in, can you rate?

Question

This one is about how materialistic gain could end up destroying the culture it stands for.


Do You Care?

Why, havent you yet bought a tripod for your ipod?
I find that freakishly weird.
Havent you seen that new ad, brand new fad,
Youre behind the times don't you fear?

When the hippy was new what did you do?
Forget to cut your hair?
And seventies flairs who really cares,
Theyre in the past, aren't you there?

Did you forget to hear white phones in your ear,
Travoltas got no flair?
Dont talk, dont walk, just type and gawk,
At your neibours grisly bear.

Look down on him with a bigger grin,
Thats all you really care.
So hes the same and whos to blame?
Yes to be fair; I really couldnt care less.

Thanks for the positive response guys!

Blond-Thoughts: The last line is meant to be abruptly at odds to the rest.. thats exactly the point. The gristly bear is a metaphor for a newer trend, because maybe the neighbour cant afford the latest gadget, he thinks of something more threatening instead.. all in the name of healthy bit of competition. It shows I think, how this fashion war can spiral out of control over time.

Answer 1

I like the piece in that it relates to the condition of the condition we are in, as a global society.

The reference specifically to Mr. Travolta probably isn't neccesary, unless part of your general feeling relates specifically to him? Which is unexplained and confusing.

I do most enjoy the last sentence.

Steven Wolf

Answer 2

Hey Dr Quill,

Sorry haven't rated you lately been working and have not checked my comp emails etc. I think the kids just don't get it.
The materialistic bullshit we have grown up with is taking it's toll and they don't even know who John Travolta was let alone is in this piece. I really understand the era and seriousness of the characters maybe it is a different era but I am 31 and I understand your words. Love your work

XOX

Answer 3

I think it's a brilliant piece of work.

You could maybe change the word Travolta to disco as Travolta seems too personal whereas disco describes a whole era and summons up images of the likes of John Travolta and flares etc.

Answer 4

3 out of 10, with 10 being the superb -- poet tried too troublesome to place profound meaning interior the poem, yet and not using a concern be counted that propose soreness, this poem is amazingly hollow. provide some intensity via alluding to achieveable history of "speaker." perhaps it is an ex-Al Queda member, somebody who robbed a jewery keep and by probability killed somebody, somebody who sells drugs to youthful youngsters, etc. Make it actual.

Answer 5

Amazing..
different aspect of our culture that are 'stonized' by fads and fashions...
and it's not harsh bitter criticism... it's got an air of humor
making the poem more effective...
all the rhetorical questions are awesome...

This is really a good poem because it teaches indirectly....
even at the end, the poet blames no one but himself...
truly showing that all of us are responsible for such a situation...
thank you for such an insight..

Answer 6

The poem is wonderful, I love the rhyme scheme. It would make a great song! As for the concept, there I need to disagree w/you. People must live in their time, not in the past. Style of dress, electronics, and new ideas are all part of the flow of time and fads make life interesting and fun.

Answer 7

I dig it man, I really do. I also tend to critique 21st century American life quite frequently, but your poem is a short lyric-based one, whereas mine are long, scathing rants. Same book, different page kind of thing.

Answer 8

its an alrite poem.. the last line is a bit odd and i dont get the reference to grizzly bears either

Answer 9

As a songwriter myself I must say that is excellent,
I urge you to keep doing what you're doing my friend.

Thank you.

Answer 10

Oh my God....did the writers strike end and no one told me...U have a wonderful gift there ....run with it. you may see your work published sooooooooooooon......