Can you rate this verse I wrote?

Question

Its about the things we take for granted in life.


To the God of Light

The lumious lamp simply hangs in the livingroom.
No one asks if it cares?
They switch its switch at will to fill,
And light spills out but never glares.

Fifty hertz of brilliant flicker it shares,
And no one seems to care?
Radiant beams fill each room with dreams
And shadows hide when it bares

Photons which bounce to trounce the darkness,
Its taken for granted our sun just shines.
We worship metaphors to kill the night,
We huddle around our moonlit shrines.

Ironic is our fire for its never a liar,
But do we really mind?
With sizzled pork sausages we feed the flames,
But when burnt we blame the blind!

We live in a world of increasing expectancy,
But the blind man knows whats light.
We'd scream amighty if it all just switched?
But wouldnt your God be right?

Answer 1

The God of light or god of sun
Hangs his lamp for everyone
It really seems that we regret
the Goddess the moon The opposite

And as each month reminds us of
the battles of a life past on
Yet waits for the sun to move on
and together they become one...........

Blessed be

Answer 2

the alliteration of 'L' in the first stanza and specially in the first line was really good . in harmony with 'light'

With sizzled pork sausages we feed the flames,
But when burnt we blame the blind!

these lines were terrific.

Radiant beams fill each room with dreams
And shadows hide when it bares

the imagery here was really fresh..and new

8/10

Answer 3

Lovely ideas and images here. The ending is powerful just as it is. There are just a select few things I would change here, such as wording and sentence structure, but otherwise, I absolutely love this. It puts the truth right out there. I was thinking of Christmas lights when I read this for some reason. How fitting.

Answer 4

Again perhaps, you're speaking of the condition of the condition we're in? I rarely RATE anyone elses work, but I'm a bit confused about the inclusion of God,,,No offense.

In that context however, the verse could stand on its own, with minor modifications, just using the last 4 lines.

Steven Wolf

Answer 5

I like it for the most part. I don't like the line "Ironic is out fire for its never a liar". It just feels like the rest of the poem has a different flow to it that holds pretty consistent and then we have the 'fire' and 'liar' internal rhyme that throws me off, and not in a way that I like. I know you've used internal rhyme in a couple of other places, but they seem to work for me. The poem isn't really set up to be jarring and that part feels that way to me. It's like I was reading your poem and someone added "I'd like to go swimmin with bold legged women/ and swim between their legs" (a MASH reference)

I like the idea of the poem and I like how you've used description. This may just be me, but the poem sounds like you went from using light just as light and expanded electricity's use to something more frivolous as you move along which has been electricity's progress through time - and I like that as well.

Answer 6

Jesus, that became into extra effective than any modern-day rapper available could do! i admire the uncooked thoughts yet I do think of the indignant- my existence is horrific element has been over executed now. you have expertise, initiate engaged on those beats now mister, i want a mixtape by using June ;)

Answer 7

if 1 to 10. this is 3 for me no sense. thank you

Answer 8

it's fine.in a scale of 1-5, i guess it's a 3.5. a modern day verse :]

Answer 9

WRITE A ROMANTIC ONE...FOR MY BROKEN HEART XX

Answer 10

that,s good 10.6