Help I'm 18 and I just found out my mom never wanted me...?

Question

My mom had my older brother and was pregnant with me shortly after (2 yr. age difference) My mom didn't want another child but had me anyway. I know she is bitter that my dad (once a violent alcoholic) quit drinking for the family but mstly for me. She is very jealous of the relationship I have with my father. She will tell me I can do something then when my dad comes home she will be like why are you doing that I asked you not to and have him yell at me. I know my mom loves me and at times we get along wonderfully but everyone in my family has nitced through all the years how in her eyesmy brother does no wrong & I am the "screw up" She constantly compares us, my bro treats me the same way she does. even if Im right they argue or belittle me until I just give up. I am an etremely loving,compassionate girl, and when my dad travels for work Im home being ganged up on, it kills me. Idk wut to do,when I tried to talk to my parents about it my mom says i just want attention & pity.

she is also killing my self esteem. she has been telling me since I was very young that I need to lose weight. Even as far back as 4th grade when I was barely up to normal weight. She gets onto me if I eat anything with fat. I have resorted to throwing up numerous time but I knew it was stupid so I stopped when I tried to talk to her about it she yelled and yelled at me about how I was an embarrassment and how stupid I am. She said she was disgusted with me.

Answer 1

There's not much you can do.

Put yourself in her position. Many women don't want children but are denied access to birth control or abortion and thus are forced to have children they don't want. This makes it hard for these women to really care for something they never wanted in the first place.

I'm typing this because I want you to realize that you cannot force her to love you. I know how hard that is. I know it hurts when you realize your parent doesn't like you, never wanted you, or wants you gone. Many offspring deal with this, in fact, and there may be a place or group you can go to for support, if you want. You'd have to find a local mental health center and ask.

Talking to your mom seemed to have little effect, so there's not much I can tell you to change this. You're 18 and you're getting to an age where you'll soon be leaving the house and creating your own life away from your family. I think you should concentrate on this and when your mom is ready to appreciate you, she will ask for your time.

Answer 2

Mum's probably feeling unworthy and jealous. She's his partner, y couldn't he have given up for her (kind of thing.) U may be the closest thing tht comes to him when he's not there and she's venting- awful you are the recipient and not your Dad. This is HER problem. We shouldn't feel certain ways bout our kids, but it doesn't stop it from happening. Frustration can play a huge part in this! Sounds like Mum needs counselling. Confusion over what you can & can't do is not ok, (same for her other behaviour towards you) next time she says you can do something ask to put it in writing,have her sign it. If she won't, see if you can tape her somehow, or have someone witness the statement. My Mum pulls this crap all the damn time about what she said/didn't say. Drives me bonkers! Yr brothers going along with what he thinks is acceptable behaviour - yr place in the fam has been "punching bag" so he's joining in. Get vocal and remind him of who you are and what you are NOT! Ru able to get yourself some counselling? And maybe drag Mum (and Dad) along so that your counsellor can help explain what you are going through? You're not a screw up, yr just unlucky. Not all parents are grown ups - sometimes we just suck. If I had 10c for all the times I vented at my kid when I was just feeling rotten, I'd be a millionaire by now! You deserve love and support, trust me - its her NOT u. Try talking to Dad on his own (or write it down) if you feel closer to him - sounds like you could use an ally. Good luck.

Answer 3

You must be in a miserable state..you poor thing... dont worry..
have you tried to talk to ur dad personaly about it..? not when he is with ur mother. but when he is alone and away from prying ears/eyes..?
y dont u go with ur dad for a walk or drive and then talk to him about it... and ask him if he thinks that u were at fault and dt u r doing something wrong.. even tho u may have figured out y ur mom didnt want u n y she is bitter towards you, mebe there could be another reaosn.. so ask ur dad with teary eyes why your mom and bro doesnt like u and tell him that it breaks your heart...

if nothing else works... then aftr school ,go somewhere far to study so dt u cud stay in the hostel....

Answer 4

I am so sorry to hear you have this unfortunate relationship with your mother. Like you (but for very different reasons) I am closer with my dad than with my mom, so I can understand your feelings.

Since you and your dad are close, I'd consider discussing this with him privately and seriously. (Kudos to him, by the way, for quitting the drinking for his family...that's pretty awesome!) Tell him exactly what you told us!! If he can't help, he might at least be able to help you understand the dynamic of your relationship with your mother a little better.

If none of these things help, do remember you ARE 18, and you do have the option of finding another place to live if it comes to that. You have a right to choose who you wish to have a relationship with, and how much time you want to spend with them. Concentrate on the people-like your father!-who make you feel good about yourself.

Answer 5

Dear girl!
That's aweful. I beleive you. You have a very good understanding of the dynamics of your family relationships. One of my long term boyfriend's mother treated him like that. (he wasn't wanted either, then she got married to a different man and they had a girl together. The stepfather was pretty good with him, and the sister was aweful too.)
At least you made it to 18. Now see if you can get some counseling for yourself. You will benefit. Don't worry about getting them to change, at least not yet. You'd need a good strategy. I'll see if I can come up with anything for your family, but it sounds like your mom wouldn't acknowlege the problem in the first place.

Answer 6

This is really sad, I'm sorry. You can try talking to your mom when she's being nice to you; it might work. Try talking to your dad about what's going on, but try not to be too emotional about it when you tell him. If he doesn't seem to understand or won't talk to your mom, then get a taperecorder and record things and play them back for him so he knows what's going on. Or you can get a video cam too and show him. If he still won't help, try to enlist a teacher or a school counselor. Also, remember, this won't last forever, even though it feels like it now.

Answer 7

There is a old saying .You can pick your friends but you cant pick your family.I left home at a very young age.My so called mother had a favourite.To this day We do not talk and now i have my own children and grand children whom she has never wanted to see or be a grandmother to.So you make a life for yourself and please do it for your own peace of mind and dont let her take your self esteem from you. All the best.

Answer 8

Honey, you are really hurting. Your mother is being very immature and spiteful. I think, while you are still living at home, you need to get some counseling, so that you can get some pointers on how to deal with the emotional neglect you have had, and are having, from her.

Good luck x

Answer 9

You need to distance yourself from her for a very long time. Tell her that she should seek therapy and that she needs to quit blaming you for not getting her tubes tied or at least be on birth control. Move out and only see your father. Tell him that you will see your mom when she grows up.

Answer 10

Welcome to the club. I actually came home from school on the day of my 18th birthday and my mom being the btch she was (and still is) had all of my crap packed in a suitcase with a note on the door that said "Don't bother knocking"

Thank god I had a Dad that actually cared..