Midnight Thinker
It’s Twelve o’clock at night,
Wishing I could sleep.
I lay here, thinking of the day.
And while each day passes,
I long even more to hold you forever.
What do you think?
2007-12-15 17:10:45 · 12 answers · asked by Missouri Focus 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
I say this often. JUDGING anyones personal expression is risky for both the writer and the judge.
If I was to "EDIT", I might offer this.
It's midnight, and sleep eludes me,
denied by what passed as my day.
Dreaming will take me
but cause me longing,
wondering of when I might hold you again.
Though over used poetically, "Forever" is way to much an abstract concept for me.
Steven Wolf
2007-12-15 17:18:01 · answer #1 · answered by DIY Doc 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
When I read the first two lines I thought that you were just a victim of insomnia. The last line indicated that you were 'sleepless in love'. It is an admirable sentiment, but the reader would like to know more. Are you writing about a current love or a lost love? Also, in this particular case, if the poem rhymed it would have more impact, such as: It's twelve o'clock at night. I wish I could sleep. I lie waiting for daylight, and longing for my sweet. I encourage you to keep writing. You will get better and better as you write more and more. Good luck.
2007-12-16 01:53:44 · answer #2 · answered by The Count of Montanelas 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Consider Replacing the whole first line with simply "midnight". A bit more moving and a bit less technical.
Also there's the thing about being in one exact moment and using the word "while", suggesting the same time-span being shared with passing days.
Maybey it should be those thoughts/longings that keep him/her awake, instead of not being able to sleep resulting in driftting thoughts to her/him. (negitive prevention vs. positive ponderings)
It's good, work it over, make it great.
2007-12-16 01:42:55 · answer #3 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you could use to revise and edit this. pay no attention to the Jack** who called it **** I would write it something like this
I hear the clock strike the midnight hour,
when i truly wish to sleep
i lay awake as i think of the day
while the rest pass by.
with all this i realize
all i want is you with me
and the warmth of you body
to remind me your really here.
good luck with your writings! the more you practice the more natural it comes
2007-12-16 03:33:53 · answer #4 · answered by gretch 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its ok but you need to put more in it like uh the line I lay here, thinking of the day you could say i Lay here thinking of the day you will be mine or something in those terms but it does need to be longer as well hope i helped
2007-12-16 08:39:26 · answer #5 · answered by shelly_noble24 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's one o' clock at night
I wish that I could sleep
But instead I find
myself begin to weep
BECAUSE IF I HAD TO READ ANYMORE OF THIS **** I WOULD EXPLODE!! This is not poetry. This is a sentence carved up into lines of different length. This is a bunch of incoherent phrase that claim to bear the semblance of organized verse. It's terrible!! Please, for the love of God, learn about meter, learn about phrasing, read some Wordsworth, T.S. Eliot, Tennyson, Byron, Shelly, of Keats, and learn to write an actual poem!
2007-12-16 01:16:12 · answer #6 · answered by CowJudgesYou 5 · 0⤊ 3⤋
well, nice job for a beginner, right?
honestly speaking, it's not really that fascinating but at least you've made it. Keep working!!
2007-12-16 01:16:44 · answer #7 · answered by chie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Half way to great. I thought you were going to say, "Boo!" Instead, we got some girl jones...I've got one I've tinkered with somehwere...
2007-12-16 01:33:05 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Really good. Keep it up, you could be the next emmerson!
2007-12-16 01:12:59 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
It's horrible, get a real job, etc
2007-12-16 01:14:10 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋