Would You Sacrifice marriage and children for the one you love?

Question

My boyfriend has been married once and has 5 children. I have never been married nor do I have children. I want those things in my life but he doenst want to re-marry or more children.

Should I sacrifice having children and marriage because i love him?

To answer some questions:
We've been together 3+ years, I'm 25 he's 33 & he has 4 kids with his ex and 1 with another girl

Answer 1

You should sit down with him, and tell him that you want to be in a relationship, but you also want to think about having children and getting married. In my opinion, i think that its unfair. Just because he has already been married/had children, doesn`t mean you have to miss out. Hope this helps.

Answer 2

No; quite simply put, marriage is a two way street and there's no way to compromise on family. I've known some women who are excellent with their spouse's children (and vice versa), but can you honestly say you won't resent him and his children in ten years because he will not father any with you? Would you spend the rest of your life with him and, upon his death, receive nothing except what his children might give you? Remember, you wouldn't be entitled to anything of his because you would not be his next of kin.

Honestly, I would not marry a man with five children whether he wants to have more or not because I'd resent him if I couldn't have any more, and also because I sincerely doubt that we'd be able to afford any more kids unless he has some serious cash laying around or I was working a job with major cash inflow. Think of it like this: you have a lot to offer a man and you can definitely find a man who wants to settle down and have a family with you, so why are you settling for so little? Because you would be if you married/stayed with this guy. Think about it: you would be helping to support his brood, be a domestic partner (I don't know your relationship but one could assume you may be doing the housework and chores), be a sexual partner, and in return he doesn't have to give you anything, not even the security of his name (not that that means a lot these days, but still). If five years from now he were to meet an untimely death his children would inherit his money and properties (life insurance, social security, the whole thing). If the house is not jointly held then you wouldn't have that, even because that would be part of his estate. So, the lesson here is that this is not just about marriage and children, but about a very financially risky future that is very common these days. My qualifications on that would be that, as a CNA in a nursing home, I see it happen to roughly one out of seven people that come in.

I know I sound very materialistic but the fact is that when two people build a life together, things inevitably merge and when the relationship ends (if it does), it is usually the woman that suffers financially. And then there's also the fact that you shouldn't have to "put aside" marriage and family; to a lot of people that is a very important goal in life and one that they'd love to have at some point and time. I'm not knocking your boyfriend because I don't even know him, but I was once in your position and I hung in for over a year before I realized that eventually I'd just be bitter over never having had my own children to love and a wedding to think back on. Admittedly, it took a while but I did meet a wonderful guy and now I have what I want and ten times more than I ever dreamed of having!

Look around for a while and if you feel that this is the man for you, then try couples counseling. It'd be a good opportunity for you guys to really figure out if you'd be compatible with your different wants out of life and if there's a middle ground you can both meet on. I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 3

You said it yourself "sacrifice" and your are the one making it. He's got his kids, got his life, been married and obviously things did not work out. You stay with him with no rights and his kids to raise while taking care of him you might come to resent that he has had and still has all of the things you want but they are not really yours. He's getting his cake and eating it too.

At least he's being honest and thereby gives you a chance to move on with your life.

You also have to consider a former wife, if he's not a widower and the former in-laws, will you be accepted by the kids, the in-laws, can you take the whole family over to your friends and family, will they accept them.

I think you are getting into a big kettle of worms. Be careful and don't let your heart rule your head. A man and five kids is a full time job, cook, cleaner, teacher, maid, nursemaid, mistress, laundress... and so on and so on. Your life would not be your own.

If you loved him you would not call it sacrifice nor would you be on here asking people what they think, you have your doubts act on them accordingly.

God Bless

Answer 4

That is such a tough decision for you to make =(. How long have you two been together? How positive is he about not wanting to marry/have children? Maybe he's just saying that because he's still suffering a bit from his last marriage. But if those two are the things you really want in your life, it's important that you don't give it up. Just stay with him (you do love him after all) and maybe he'll let go of the past and start a new future with you. If not, and you still want to be married and have kids, then you have to accept that he's not going to make it come true.

Hope everything goes well! =)

Answer 5

Oh honey your wasting your time with him. If you want these things and he doesn't then you are not equally matched and according to you, 1 failed marriage and 5 children, your not equally yoked either. Are you ready to play step mama to 5 kids and is he financially capable of taking care of all of his responsibilties and give you what you want. Maybe he doesn't feel that he can provide you with a married lifestylye and financial support for another child and i don't think it's fair for you to give up what you want either. But know one can tell how love will work out if you love him he may change and if he won't budge you may need to give him a ultamatim but you have to be serious if you do this and stick to what you say-give it some time b 4 u do this if u do this but don't wait too long a year should b e nuf time to decide weather to get engaged or call it quits. I Just don't have much faith in this, sorry. Just my thought.

Answer 6

Sacrificing your own happiness for someone elses is being unfair to yourself. Think about your future with him. What if it doesn't work out 10-20 years down the line? How are you going to feel knowing that you've given up having the life YOU wanted? I think everyone deserves to be happy and clearly you're putting his needs before your own. Personally I think you're brave taking on a man who has an ex and 5 kids. And also a BITTER man at that saying he doesn't want anymore children or to get married again. Really think about this. In short,,,NO I wouldn't sacrifice my HAPPINESS for someone else's.

Answer 7

You must be really desperate to want to marry a guy already with 5 kids. At $250,000 buckos per kid to age 18, these kids won't have much in the way of extras in their life, unless your bf is one wealthy man and can provide all those special art lessons, music lessons, symphony tickets, summer camp, and all the things that make being a child really great.

It as well means he will be unable to save for his own retirement, so he'll be one of those greeters at Wal-Mart... not there because he has nothing to do, but there because he needs the money, just like they do

No, sweets, you need to move on. If I wanted a child, and the guy didn't wish to be a father again, that is a deal buster. There are tons of guys who what a child, and aren't already strapped with having popped 5 already. You will only grow resentful as you get older.

Answer 8

Hi sorry that he feels that way but in a good relationship it takes two , If he can not give you what you need then you are the one that will pay, To be able to hold you own child is some thing you should not give up for any one, I think you already know what you should do because you are asking, If you need to ask then things are not right for you. I am a remarried male and I love my wife, I would have never asked her not to have anymore kids. I had 4 kids from my first marriage and she had 1 from hers but we still had one together it just made us that much stronger my little one is 10 years old now , that little girl made us all a family not my kids or my wife's kids but are kids. And yes they all live with me. sometimes its hard to do the right thing for your self. good luck and be happy.

Answer 9

Dump him at once!!! Love or not, he should not deny you children.

Besides that, as step-Mom to 5, you are going to be miserable because the ex and the children will always be ahead of you.

Yes, yes there will be illnesses, discipline problems, dental, school problems, music lessons, music recitals, school plays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, vacations, braces, family weddings, graduations, funerals, etc. Lots and lots of trauma. You will have 7 people running your life - not at all fun.

Unless he's rich, there will never be enough money left over for you and your children...not enough time for you either.

NO, never sacrifice yourself for a guy like that...

Joy to you!

Answer 10

I don't know how old you are, but guess what? This guy is DONE with marriage and family. LOVE is NOT enough.
Enjoy it for what it's worth, but if what you really want it marriage and a family life, don't cash in your chips with this one. A man will come along, who will want the same things you do.
What if you got pregnant? What if he ends up leaving you, for a woman who is also done with marriage and kids?You are headed down a hard road, if you stay serious about someone, who wants different things.
I hope in your heart, you know that. Live a life well lived, and that incudes living it with all your hopes and dreams.

Answer 11

no. i wouldn't sacrifice what i wanted for anyone, if it was for the rest of my life.

you will miss out of some really important things, and if he loves you he should respect that.

sure, relationships are about compromise, but compromising not raising a family of your own? well, you're really the only one that can answer that.

I can understand why he wouldn't want more children, but asking you to sacrifice your dreams, and living second to his wants... well he's just plain selfish.

If he truly loved you, he would marry you and give you at least one child (anyway, if he has 7 kids, he doesn't have to pay tax! well, that's how it works in Australia, I think)