Am I expecting too much?

Question

25 weeks pregnant and not feeling well. Stayed out til 3:00am for spouses Christmas party, and up early this morning for Christmas shopping. Complications with child (excess fluid around the heart).

Partner feels he shouldn't have to give up his old lifestyle. Has been out every weekend for drinks with the guys for the past month/two months. His friends are jerks to me (spread lies to try and break us up, never invite me out, etc.). Partner still plays hockey, takes guitar lessons, and works different hours than me at times, so usually we have a couple nights a week to see each other, this week only one. He always says "I am doing what I want to do."

My problem? I have given up everything for this child and am often stuck at home alone. I feel like I have no support system and am crushed. I always dreamed of building a stronger relationship with my partner, especially with a child on the way, but he insists on living his own life. It's killing me and I want to leave

he tries at times and does good, but I just wish he would be here more for us. Am I expecting too much? He never pays attention to me anymore and doesn't make me feel wanted or beautiful or anything... I always expected the father to be excited, and take pictures of the belly and stuff and want to spend more time with me.... we haven't even started on the nursery or anything. He left me crying my eyes out at home tonight, and just said "I want to play golf, so I am going with the guys"..... how do I fix this or get out?

I own the house we live in. I have zero friends and zero family here, just my job which I need to keep to pay for the bills, mortgage, and my car payments.... it's not that simple!

We are not married, but we plan to be... the pregnancy was not planned, and I definitely was not wanting or ready for it at this time, but I welcome the child with open arms. He has told everyone that we are getting married somewhere warm in January/February and to start saving - I don't want to marry a person like this.

Answer 1

Oh my. Leave him for a week or so, maybe he'll straighten his act up.

Answer 2

You are not expecting too much. You are expecting a baby. He is going to be a father which I assume is something he wanted also. This is a lot of responsibility. That means golfing aside, partying with the friends on hold...he has to be an adult. There is no living your own life in a relationship. It is living shared lives and although that means that he should still get some "me" time...it's not a few days a week. If he wanted that he shouldn't have gotten married.

Most importantly what you have to know is that it's next to impossible to change people. You need to deal with the situation as is and try and relax yourself as much as possible since you're about to be a new mom. I'm really hoping you have some good friends and some family that you can rely on right now. Have someone you can call for emergencies and start spending time with girlfriends or with family to ease the loneliness and to muster up the excitement. If he won't take pictures of your belly...have a friend do it. I've been there and you will waste time thinking you will get it out of him before he exhausts you. Try and work on things with him little by little like trying to find out if he can commit to certain nights during the week (start small - think 2) where they belong to you both to work on your marriage. Don't get all yourself upset about what he's doing (although it's certainly worthy of being upset about) just find help and comfort for yourself while pregnant.

Not to sound cliche but maybe counseling would help too. It's always worth it to work on your marriage if you can. Just do what is good for you now and don't wait for prince charming or dad of the year to appear. You have a lot to celebrate and look forward to even if there may be a hard road with some complications. No one can take away the wonder of life you have going on within you right now.

Answer 3

No, you are definitely not expecting to much from him. He needs to grow up, unfortunately you can't make him either. You should talk to him and ask if this is the way he plans on behaving for the next several years? If so this is not what you deserve and will not tolerate his behavior. If he cares more about doing what HE wants to do and hanging with his buddies then you would be just as well not to be with him. Having a baby is never the answer to making a relationship stronger or making the father grow up. either they are mature enough before or they definitely won't be after the baby comes, and you will be left raising that baby alone anyway. I would definitely talk to him, but then be prepared that you have married a child and it won't work anyway. Sorry to be so negative but, been there done that, as the saying goes. Good luck!

Answer 4

Your biggest problem- the word partner, not husband. You are right- you should leave. And you need to take better care of yourself- you should not have been out so late last night (unless you don't get up until the afternoon and those are your normal hours). But definitely get out- he is treating you like garbage and you don't deserve that. Do you think this will change when the baby is born? No. If he doesn't care now, he won't then either.
He said it himself- "I am doing what I want to do." Well, make him add paying child support and finding a new girlfriend to that list.
How do you get out? Leave. Go stay with parents, a friend, wherever you can for a night or two until you can get your living situation changed.

Answer 5

A lot of women make that common mistake in thinking "a baby will bring us closer". This is not always true as you can see. Your parter should be VERY involved with you at this point and if anything catering to you. This is also a special time in HIS life. I can tell you right now that if things are this bad now, it's goint to get worse when the child comes because he's going to be needed by you a lot more. My first pregnancy was just like yours and not until after we went our separate ways and our child was 3 years old did he start par-taking in our daughters life the way a normal father should. It's sad but you may have to leave him. You deserve more than this and you should be enjoying your pregnancy. His friends are jerks to you and that's because they can see your man has no respect for you either. My bf would b*tch slap his friends if they disrespected me in ANY way, shape, or form. Sorry you picked such a jerk for a father.

Answer 6

I'm not seeing the word "marriage" in your question. I don't feel much commitment in your relationship nor do I feel he is very happy about the idea of becoming a father. This would be the best time to hit the road! When you dream of building a stronger relationship, the dream ideally includes a veil, a bridal bouquet, an engagement ring, and a date! Otherwise, the dream often becomes a nightmare. And you can't make someone have the same dreams you have. Maybe you need to cut bait and start over, getting your priorities straight this time.

Answer 7

Okay...you need to set your foot down right now. How did you get pregnant in the 1st place? He can not do what he wants to do....you have a baby on the way. There is no way he should be allowed to do what he wants to do, when you are at home alone, pregnant. I would freak if this was my situation. I would tell my jacka** husband very fast where his place is, and what he should be doing. Going out every weekend, his a**hole friends are jerks to you...I would be livid if my husbands friends were this way to me and you can bet he would hear about it.
Listen sweetie, I just finished being pregnant. It was a very hard time for us, we went through a lot, the hormones did some really nasty things to me but he was never once out doing his own thing. And he his friends are very nice and respectful to me.
I understand about feeling alone, my husband was great during pregnancy. I didn't appreciate what he did most of the time, I was pregnant and miserable but even he had a hard time being really there for me.
This husband of yours can not live his own LIFE. There is no way he should be allowed to. Woman do so much of the work to begin with, we carry the baby's. And after that we have to care for them when the husbands are at work.
I would give this man an ultimatum, and I would do it now. He needs to know just how damn serious you are....its either he becomes a husband or else you take off. I am not kidding you about this. He needs to know just what it is going to take for you to stick around and have his baby with him. You know what you need to do, and I would do it now or else girl, he is going to keep doing this to you. And if it is killing you that much, lay the law down now. And be incredibly firm and kick his a** if he protests.
Men like this piss me off like nothing else. If this was my husband I would have kicked his a** a long time ago. Your pregnant, and this is far too hard on you. This kind of stress is far worse for you then having a few drinks. Think about it that way. Stress is bad, really bad when you are pregnant.

Answer 8

Your present condition (being pregnant) and the pressure of the holiday season will definitely add up to the stress of your marital relationship. Please remember that between your expectation of a good and caring husband and your husband's expectation of keeping his lifestyle, there is an innocent child who is expecting to be born healthy and be a part of your life, regardless of whether you have a good married life or messy life. It seems like both you and your husband are not expecting this to happen soon!!!

In fairness to this unborn child and in keeping with the spirit of Christmas, a child will be born, hopefully not in a manger, but in a home that is ready to accept him. Make the arrival of your child as your top priority! Make it special by focusing your expectation on this special event, for the greatest gift you can give this child is the "gift of life"! - A Very Happy Life!!

Take care. happy holidays.

Answer 9

He is nervous and scared, trust me!!! He will come around when the baby comes. He should make an effort to spend more time with you but he also needs to have a sense of normalcy and do things he likes. You want it to be all about you and it will be towards the end and when the baby comes, right now he is thinking of all the responsibilities and freedoms he is going to loose and trying to figure it all out. He'll come around, every guys first child is nerve racking! Your excited, scared, tired, selfish, selfless, ect all at one time!

Don't listen to all these negative people talking about leaving him, that is no way to deal with a problem and raising a child alone isn't as easy as everyone makes it out to be, plus it's not good for the child!

Answer 10

He is not a new person this is the same selfish person you have been with for years. We as women ofter think we can change a person, or bring a child into a situation to make the other person something they will never be. Get use to doing this on your own. He is not going to change - he is still a child acting like a man.

Answer 11

It takes a while for men to get comfortable with having a child on the way and the first few months after the baby is born. Men need to build relationships even with children. Women have this biological connection. If hes a genuine person he is probably having difficulty in putting his arms around the situation. He may even have spurts where he cleans the house, makes dinner, baths the child, ect. but then it stops. He's trying to find his place in the house. I would strongly suggest talking to someone. Try going to church. Try scheduling time with him. ie every weekday night at 7pm we will have dinner together. The weekends he may need the time to recompose himself. good luck your going through a lot and this is probably adding additonal stress. hope this helps. Try scheduling time for yourself to when he is committed to watching the children. You need you time to