fy tis a very long question: Is this what happens when you no longer see good nor evil, just reality as it is?

Question

Okay, there’s something going on within me that is quite strange and very unfamiliar, and I can’t even begin to decipher it. For example, I used to felt an attraction towards clothes. When I saw something pretty at a decent price, something compelled me to want it. I remember feeling so proud and good about myself, because I brought the perfect item at such a good price. Now, I’m realizing that I’m no longer drawn to them almost as if I don’t like clothes anymore—but I don’t hate them, so I don’t understand.

Also, in art class I would always do a good job on my artwork, but then I would look at it and think that it’s not that good. A part of me must be saying that everyone has the same potential and could too produce good work. It feels weird. It feels like maybe my ego has dissolve—because if I did a good job then how can I not feel pride, and how can I not see that it’s good? When I watch TV, it is the same. My intrigue isn’t there. I am not absorbed into the story. I am just merely watching and observing. When I watch comedy, I am asking myself how I saw humor in it before, as I am realizing that what we are doing is laughing at ourselves. Even though, I’m not really seeing the humor, I find myself laughing with it. Nothing is holding my intrigue and focus anymore, and nothing is transparent.

I remember when I would read for hours and hours at a time. Just this Wednesday in English class we begin reading Lord of the Flies, and I couldn’t even get myself to finish reading the chapters assigned to us. I ended up reading sparknotes.com at the last minute. Somehow, I managed to get though 10 pages even though my focus wasn’t there entirely. People have said that lack of focus/motivation is a choice, but in my case it doesn’t seem so. I mean just this summer I sat down and read 1984 in 4.5 hours, even though the first 100 pages were boring; so this hasn’t been an on-going problem.

This is what happened to me about 5 months ago:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AiZ.kwoMdJEbMXfjoMarcGzty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20070921211339AAXk5t1

And then I asked this question about 2 months ago:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AqA8KXOs1YSPsO.btVgMP8nty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071027202507AAEnWre

This question is evidence of the fact I have begun to see more out into the world. I don’t know what’s going with me, but I thought that since you have more experience that me you might know. I am very aware of the fact that all of this might seem strange to you as well, but not telling is worse than telling. Different people may interpret this as many things. Perhaps, some may think that I am depressed; some may see it as just teenage angst; others might think existential or mid-life crisis. And I—just don’t know.

I tried to tell my mom, and she’s like, “It’s normal. It’s just means that you’re maturing,” and I glad, because I don’t have to worry as much.” I guess I am here asking this really long question, because I want a second opinion or clarification?

I feel like a single droplet of water in an unknown sea, and that droplet of water can’t even begin to comprehend its occurrence. I feel like maybe some indefinite trait is emerging or struggling to emerge within me or something. A day or two after Thanksgiving Break, I was reading my math book in order to comprehend the material (I was absent the Friday and Monday before the break), and I saw myself getting up--and before I knew it I watched myself and saw that I was making expressions in the mirror and starring at my reflection right its eyes as if having a starring contest with it.

It’s just so strange. I’m sensing something that feels like a muted heart as if I am only ruled by my mind. My feelings are not devoid, but they are nonsensical. I am aware of their existence, because I can feel them form on my face. If my brain is aware of them-- then why not my heart? I feel that since my focus isn’t anywhere, then where is it? I don’t even know what’s driving me anymore, because I am not driven by anything—not fear, not responsibility, not ambition, not love, not anything. It’s like I am unaffected by everything—just a sense of calm all the time. Neither happy nor sad, neither excited nor bored, neither serious nor amused. Even though, my focus and concentration isn’t there, I am somehow managing to move along. Last Wednesday, I just sat down and completed math homework for the last 3 chapters. I completed them and got them turned in, even though they were late. Knowledge of my responsibilities and what I need to get done is driving me—and it’s the only thing.

I’m thinking the answer to this is just with the flow, but I don’t even know where the flow is. There is no wind, and not much is moving. The words quiet curiosity has fallen from the sky.

I hope that despite this lack of motivation/focus or whatever, I can still keep going and keep up my grades. I just don’t want to keep up with my grades; I want to produce excellent results. Is it enough to only be driven by knowledge? I am a senior in high school right now and am taking 3 AP classes. A part of me must know what I have to do, but it lacks guidance or direction or something.

Answer 1

I'm impressed to have found someone as self-analytical as me!
I have days like this - when I am just there, alone, and my body moves me along my daily routine, and I feel completely unattached.
I do think your mother is right, however. You are definitely maturing and fast. Things that appealed to you as a teenager no longer hold their fascination. You might be depressed, but nothing you've written shouts "depression" to me.
I believe you are in a soul-searching stage of your life, which seems to have come earlier to you than for most people.
People like you fascinate me. I wish I had some advice for you on how to find your motivation but the best I can tell you is you're not alone in this.

Answer 2

'Maslow postulated that needs are arranged in a hierarchy in terms of their potency. Although all needs are instinctive, some are more powerful than others. The lower the need is in the pyramid, the more powerful it is. The higher the need is in the pyramid, the weaker and more distinctly human it is. The lower, or basic, needs on the pyramid are similar to those possessed by non-human animals, but only humans possess the higher needs.

The first four layers of the pyramid are what Maslow called "deficiency needs" or "D-needs:" the individual does not feel anything if they are met, but feels anxious if they are not met..... Needs beyond the D-needs are "growth needs," "being values," or "B-needs." When fulfilled, they do not go away; rather, they motivate further.'

Read on at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abraham_Maslow