Hi, I'm sorry for this very long question, but I hope you find it interesting...?

Question

Okay, there’s something going on within me that is quite strange and very unfamiliar, and I can’t even begin to decipher it. For example, I used to felt an attraction towards clothes. When I saw something pretty at a decent price, something compelled me to want it. I remember feeling so proud and good about myself, because I brought the perfect item at such a good price. Now, I’m realizing that I’m no longer drawn to them almost as if I don’t like clothes anymore—but I don’t hate them, so I don’t understand.

Also, in art class I would always do a good job on my artwork, but then I would look at it and think that it’s not that good. A part of me must be saying that everyone has the same potential and could too produce good work. It feels weird. It feels like maybe my ego has dissolve—because if I did a good job then how can I not feel pride, and how can I not see that it’s good? When I watch TV, it is the same. My intrigue isn’t there. I am not absorbed into the story. I am just merely watching and observing. When I watch comedy, I am asking myself how I saw humor in it before, as I am realizing that what we are doing is laughing at ourselves. Even though, I’m not really seeing the humor, I find myself laughing with it. Nothing is holding my intrigue and focus anymore, and nothing is transparent.

I remember when I would read for hours and hours at a time. Just this Wednesday in English class we begin reading Lord of the Flies, and I couldn’t even get myself to finish reading the chapters assigned to us. I ended up reading sparknotes.com at the last minute. Somehow, I managed to get though 10 pages even though my focus wasn’t there entirely. People have said that lack of focus/motivation is a choice, but in my case it doesn’t seem so. I mean just this summer I sat down and read 1984 in 4.5 hours, even though the first 100 pages were boring; so this hasn’t been an on-going problem.

This is what happened to me about 5 months ago:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AiZ.kwoMdJEbMXfjoMarcGzty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20070921211339AAXk5t1

And then I asked this question about 2 months ago:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AqA8KXOs1YSPsO.btVgMP8nty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071027202507AAEnWre

This question is evidence of the fact I have begun to see more out into the world. I don’t know what’s going with me, but I thought that since you have more experience that me you might know. I am very aware of the fact that all of this might seem strange to you as well, but not telling is worse than telling. Different people may interpret this as many things. Perhaps, some may think that I am depressed; some may see it as just teenage angst; others might think existential or mid-life crisis. And I—just don’t know.

I tried to tell my mom, and she’s like, “It’s normal. It’s just means that you’re maturing,” and I glad, because I don’t have to worry as much.” I guess I am here asking this really long question, because I want a second opinion or clarification?

I feel like a single droplet of water in an unknown sea, and that droplet of water can’t even begin to comprehend its occurrence. I feel like maybe some indefinite trait is emerging or struggling to emerge within me or something. A day or two after Thanksgiving Break, I was reading my math book in order to comprehend the material (I was absent the Friday and Monday before the break), and I saw myself getting up--and before I knew I watched myself and saw that I was making expressions in the mirror and having a starring at my reflection right its eyes.

It’s just so strange. I’m sensing something that feels like a muted heart as if I am only ruled by my mind. My feelings are not devoid, but they are nonsensical. I am aware of their existence, because I can feel them form on my face. If my brain is aware of them-- then why not my heart? I feel that since my focus isn’t anywhere, then where is it? I don’t even know what’s driving me anymore, because I am not driven by anything—not fear, not responsibility, not ambition, not love, not anything. It’s like I am unaffected by everything—just a sense of calm all the time. Neither happy nor sad, neither excited nor bored, neither serious nor amused. Even though, my focus and concentration isn’t there, I am somehow managing to move along. Last Wednesday, I just sat down and completed math homework for the last 3 chapters. I completed them and got them turned in, even though they were late. Knowledge of my responsibilities and what I need to get done is driving me—and it’s the only thing.

I’m thinking the answer to this is just with the flow, but I don’t even know where the flow is. There is no wind, and no much is moving. The words quiet curiosity has fallen from the sky.

I hope that despite this lack of motivation/focus or whatever, I can still keep going and keep up my grades. I just don’t want to keep up with my grades; I want to produce excellent results. Is it enough to only be driven by knowledge? I am a senior in high school right now and am taking 3 AP classes. A part of me must know what I have to do, but it lacks guidance or direction or something.

Answer 1

Hi there. It's good to hear that you have this kind of feeling brewing in you. To begin with, i think that you are very concern about the following questions: Is it enough to only be driven by knowledge? A part of me must know what I have to do, but it lacks guidance or direction or something which i quoted from your question.

Actually, I've experience similar feelings / emotional stages. Perhaps in some part of you, you may think that knowledge is important, but you also knew it isn't true.

You are growing up and things kept changing, from things around you to the way you see yourself in and out. You wanted more that there is in your life.

This is not because you can't concentrate, but perhaps it's because of you feel that you don't belong anywhere, you might felt that your are so unique and lonely that you don't know where you fit in this world.

Give yourself some time to nurture your talents. Don't look down on yourself. As for me, helping others has made me a better person although a friend of mine left me a week ago because of misunderstanding.

Anyway, hope you'll feel better that you know you are not alone in this world.

Keep moving and keep up your good work. Be strong and be helpful, it helps.

Wishing you a good day ahead.

Answer 2

As you feel guilty for writing much I'll make you feel less angry at yourself and more at me by responding with something long! :D sorry by the way...

this is a poem i wrote like a week ago. Hope it helps...

Live

The pain so great leaves me here not knowing what to do, what to feel.
The terrors of the past stretching into the hell of the present.
Life’s not perfect and definitely not intended to be so.
Life is what it is and that is all there ever will be.
Give it time and you’ll love the beast.
Give time and you’ll be shedding for the prey you used to feast.
Love appears to be translucent but it is darker than ever before.
Pain hides behind it leaving you there behind.
Love doesn’t exist it’s just a sense of feeling alone,
That marks you from the thing.
Feeling worthy and cared for are so great things,
But make you dumb enough to love the thing.
Life is crap and that is all there is,
And love is a lie and that is all there is.
But why be a prophet and live as a saint,
If you only contain one life to waste all the paint.
Enjoy the earthly passions and the ones that bring you glee,
But never be dumb enough to turn into a thing.
This world contains rules, don’t waste your time to abide.
But deep inside your truth will always hide.
Contain no religion, it’s for the slow and weak,
Believe in no God and Devil, all they can do is creak.
Live Life for life is what life is.
And no spirit or soul can do no more.
Don’t think about this world, leave that to me.
Leave all the pain and torture for the voluntary thing.
Love even though it may be a lie,
If you are happy what matters the morals and why.
Blessed be your life, you are lucky to be alive.
Don’t turn miserable just cause they do.
You are you, leave the cuts to them.
You are you and you are the best to you.
What offers this world for you to cut and bleed?
What simple minded are you to give them what they want?
Show them you can, show them you are,
The same species as them and nothing less, possibly even more.
Live life by all that resounds!
Every second lived is a second closer to the grave.
Live life as you wish but don’t forget the rules.
Live it to the fullest extent.
Live, love, cry, do as you wish.
Whatever your little hearts desire is what you’ll get.
Go to who you wish.
What matters society if what you want is in your hands.
Live life to the fullest extent, and hide your past mistakes.
Take from this world all you can get.
Don’t try to be the best, don’t try to know it all.
Leave that for the people that know best.
Don’t get poisoned by the scars of your past.
Don’t get let down by something that went fast.
The second you are born you begin to die.
So why get down and begin to cry?
Live life to the fullest and don’t ask why.
By: Christian I. December 7, 2007

Even though i'm younger than you I know its hard to not ask why. All the time you ask why this and why that and it just eats you up. Thats why i tell in the poem to not ask why so much for it wont get you far. I like to say that knowledge is the savior and assassin of Mankind. Live life for you may never again be the age you are right now. Beleive it or not, your age is supposably when you enjoy the most. Don't get overcome by usual teenage "depression" which isnt depression just thought. Just live life for it happens once...

hope it helps...

Answer 3

Ok, several approaches to your concerns.

1. Try giving the licensed, toll-free, one-time counseling with referal numbers 1-800-232-6459 http://www.family.org and 1-800-525-LOVE http://www.klove.com for general insight. Checking the websites beforehand gives an indication of what they'll say, help they'll offer.

2. The adolescent brain matures around 20-22.

3. Your notion of "muted" and "heady" is spot-on. http://www.heartmath.org has copious, reliable research indicating that a) the heart is more flexible and about 1000x electromagnetically stronger than the head, and b) when the heart's divine love informs, intuitively guides, the mentation, health and creativity are better.

4. You would likely do well to read Martha Beck's "Expecting Adam;" she was a headucated soul in Harvard's Ph.D. level, and chose to give her unborn child life. A profound, warm, and funny book.

5. Additional books of possible value: "Climb the Highest Mountain" and "The Masters and Their Retreats," Mark Prophet; "Men and White Apparel" and "Watch Your Dreams," Ann Ree Colton; "The Great Divorce," C. S. Lewis.

6. Alexandra Robbins' "The Overachievers" and Dr. Carol Dweck's "Mindset" are worthwhile, well-researched and well-written, and somewhat as a "Mercy's mirror" for your own situation/surround.

7. So, in summary, your various concerns and awarenesses are significant in that your career, both academic and vocational, is looming, and soul, love, and mind are held in the balance. Lack of "focus" or "interest" is not functional. If you were to become interested in a particular vocation/major, in a kind of maslowian enthusiasm, this would be very good. Yet pressure is not particularly helpful, nor is lesser mentation when rotely placed over divine love, soul/inner child loving, joy, and intuition. Some such rote compromising often must needs occur, however, the joy of a genuine interest which is academically and financially rewarding, is obviously better, and worth being cultivated.

Thus, keep on keeping on, don't do drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, meaningless political ranting, as tension-reducers, for these are typically more addictive/harmful, than healing the original problem causing a desire to escape from a rat-in-a-maze or pressure cooker environment. Do keep a small garden, a goldfish or a houseplant, something of nature which you connect with and care for, love selflessly. If you keep a Sabbath day of rest, calm, joy, nature walks, dedicating art of nature sketches to God, music such as Ralph Vaughn William's "Lark Ascending" and "Greensleeves," this does much to balance, refresh, and strengthen.

Thus, in a phrase, be temperate, be wise, be prudent, be earnestly engaged in seeking better for yourself, including more divine love, balance, and the like.

http://www.yogananda-srf.org and http://www.easwaran.org are examples of good, ethical teachings, as would be any mainline Christian activity. "University of Destruction," David Wheaton, is a worthwhile account of his undergraduate experience at Stanford. All of the above-cited books are worth reading, as you would like discover, by perusing any two or three.

There are several good answers and solutions to each of your questions/problems/concerns. The work required of you is to maintain a healthy orientation toward Self-actualization, healing, and finding and applying those answers and solutions which work for your well-being.

Be wisely courageous.

cordially, and good fortune,

j.

Answer 4

I agee with what your mum said to you.

You might be in a phase of your life when something new emerges and as this new is not yet grown up to the surface ( you know like a seed is first hidden under the surface and only after a long while comes to the top of the surface) you might just feel it is there but it does not yet make clear sense what it is.
Embrace whatever comes and enjoy that you are still under the protection of your parents. Just try to keep up your school work even if you sense that you are changing.

Answer 5

Listen Mate(in Australia, my generation look on Mate as simply a way of saying Hello Stranger in a freindly way), I think your mum is right.

I think you are maturing, and in that maturity. You need to learn to FOCUS, on something or be FOCUSED on something.

To attain that Focus, is entirely up to you. It is a simple matter, of looking at what you "AIM" to do at the completion of the course. The same applies, to all your'e school work.

What do you AIM to do with your life, How DO you get to a point where you ACHIEVE that aim, What BARRIERS, stand in the way of you getting what you Aim to do and what can you DO to OVERCOME those Barriers.
There are a thousand and one(1,000-1), similar arguments. These are but a few to emphasise FOCUS.

Given your approximmate age-14to16yrs old?-it is very surprising you should take this avenue. Although your approach is quite original and I congratulate you.

Answer 6

What you're feeling is very typical. And yes, being driven by knowledge is certainly okay; in fact that sometimes produces the best results.

No one really knows what s/he wants to do or what s/he thinks about life until mid 30s. Have fun, relax, and work hard. Find the balance that works for you and everything will work out.

Answer 7

Women like to connect, and get attention, belong, and find a way to express, and most importantly to engage. You are maturing and finding all of this to be very serious. Try to remember the girl. Try to find safe, happy people to do all the above. Enjoy.

Answer 8

ok,im a blonde,so it took me a while to get it,but after a minute,or two i got it. Funny,but poor sam. I bet he's on the side of the street eating that bird for dinner right now.

Answer 9

Oh..this is wonderful...You are on your jorney to enlightenment..Have you done any psychadelic drugs lately...Mushrooms? This is a common and wonderful effect