Is a funeral a cathartic experience for everyone *EXCEPT* the person who has to organise it (normally ...?

Question

... the person closest to the deceased) and do you think that that makes it so much harder for that person and extends their grieving period?

I mean that the person organising it is so caught up in the organisation and in making sure that everyone *else* is looked after they don't have *TIME* for their own feelings until it's all over and everyone else has gone home.

That's what I mean,SPAR/B - keepiung busy helps *at the time* but does it help in the long run? Shouldn't maybe someone else take over - or maybe that would be wrong too - just thinking about things due to recent events.

Yes I understand,Barb - I'm a bit sore!

W/chick has said it all really for me - that's how I feel just now - a bit raw!

Answer 1

I organised my mums funeral by myself, she died abroad which made it particularly difficult as we had to get her flown back!

Yeah at the time I felt that I was doing the last thing I could for her, I arranged everything myself, the rest of the family were too wrapped up in themselves to give a shite, maybe they did get to accept her death sooner than me, though I know that I did her proud, and whenever I listen to a song that was played at the funeral it gives me a happy feeling because it reminds me that I did my best for her, though realistically it took a couple of years for me to listen to it without crying!

To be fair though, once the funeral was over I wasn't sure of what to do with myself, I spent a good few hours cleaning and then I was left to think, which I hadn't really did before!

Answer 2

I think it is very common to get busy with the details and then when things calm down and everybody else gets back to their life that you really feel it. I feel the funeral is important for those living (even the close people), but it is going to take a lot longer for those closest to the person to finish grieving. Their lives are much more affected by the loss of this person and we are talking a major adjustment here. Hard to explain unless you have been through it.

Answer 3

Funny, my sister and I were just talking about this today. She went to an old friend's father's funeral yesterday and was saying how that even though it was a sad day, it was lovely it was to meet up with everyone after not seeing them for such a long time. I said that's probably true for everyone except the people closest - children, partners, of the person who's died.
Bloody hard times regardless and I think the people closest, even though it's hard, are the best ones to arrange things as they're are the ones who care the most, and therefore care what is said, who says it, what ceremony and everything. So, so hard though I know.

Answer 4

I don't know, I do know that when I went through it I didn't need to organise a funeral my own mind and body seemed to shut down I felt like I wasn't really fully here I was on auto pilot if that makes sense but it's different for everyone, I know my sisters husband found having to make the arrangements for her funeral helped keeping him busy but yes once it was over he fell to pieces, still is, poor chap.

Edit yes I can see your point but feel that this is the last thing that you can do for your loved one and is it part of the grieving process the need to do it for them obviously get help organising the arrangements but to know you gave them a good send off and you were the one to do it.

Answer 5

I don't know about others but arranging everything for my Mum's funeral and living in the house (I was her carer for several years too) was cathartic for me! It helped me come to terms with the fact that she had really gone. My sisters and brother found it much harder, they kept thinking of her being there!
I wasn't allowed to do anything when my son died and it fell to my Husband with his Dad's help, to make all the arrangements. He found it easier (if that's the right word) than I did to accept he'd never see his child again! I don't think I've ever got over the first sight of that tiny white coffin and it still hurts 30+ years later! Perhaps it's a grief you never truely lose!
I think it depends on the person and their individual strengths and weaknesses as we all handle death and grief differently and we all grieve different lengths of time!

Answer 6

yes very true joan ,so many things to do and so near christmas boy was i busy , i think i was on auto pilot (like an outer body experience)and i didn't even have time to think , but as you say when everyones gone and you have that time to sit down and think about everything that has happened that is the hardest part ,especially the evenings ,when the children are in bed .and you are truely on your own the memories are all we are left ,A year on and i still feel the emptiness of the evenings , with only the company of y/a to fill the void (does that make sense ) xxxx

Answer 7

I think it helps to keep busy and often they have known the day was coming for months. When my dad died mom was sick so my brother and I took her to make arraignments and housed most out of town family. Grandma died last year at 99 and mom and her sister knew what they wanted done and weren't surprised or very sad. Having all the kids, grandkids and great grandkids come to town made it more of a family reunion than a sad event.

Answer 8

i found when my gran died,i expected it to be the worse time of my life,but when she died i had every thing to organise,the funeral and the house clearance,and i seemed to walk round in a daze just doing things as though life was normal,and then the day of the funeral,at the crematorium,it hit me what was going on,and i had a tremendous pain inside,like a hand was ripping my heart out,and i just curled up in pain,and my brother and hubby had to stop me collapsing,and i suddenly reealised where we were and why,and i couldnt except it,and even now 7yrs later,i sometimes see little old ladies in town,and straight away i think my grandmas over there,and i then say to myself you silly sod course she isnt,but it was a terrible time for me.

Answer 9

local company done my daughters funeral the vicar was laid back so the whole thing was more a party than a funeral.she was a rock chick and thats the way we sent off party style.