been married for 17 years , have 2 boys (9&13 yrs). things have been getting worse , she feels disconnected ,she is not happy at home , she will not leave , I will not leave , we go to councelling , hasn't helped , no sex for almost 2 months, she will not even go to a movie with me ? she has told me the major sources of the problem : hates my parents ,and is tired of my slowness in getting jobs done .She is no saint , but the mother of our children , I,d rather fix then separate ...what can I do???
2007-12-14 21:39:16 · 21 answers · asked by royalcres 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First, you know all the likes and dislikes that are disconnecting you that is a start. First thing you have to do is avoid the fussing. Then work on yourself, work on your list of her dislikes, even if she is not working on hers. You are the leader still yet, becaue you are the husband. so you need to take the lead and show her you are willing to fix your problems even if she is not yet willing to fix hers. Alot of spouses do not like their inlaws, this is normal but it shouldnt affect your marriage unless the inlaws are butting in. Try to be more romantic also, not expecting anything in return, and most of all, try to restore your respect for her, and remember all the things you change with you will only benifit you in the future. Just focus on fixing you for right now. it sounds as if you are both willing but waiting on the other to show signs of improvment before giving a inch to the other.
2007-12-15 01:38:45 · answer #1 · answered by john d 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Neither of you will leave. Why? I hate my husband's entire family but it has never separated us. He's not the fastest at getting jobs done. I am certainly no saint. BUT, we love each other. You do know that when you marry, your spouse must become more important than your parents? You two have to be the priority. All you say to your wife's credit is that she is the mother to your children. Anyone can be a mother to children. You mention nothing good about your wife. Is there anything? If there is, you must tell her. To "fix" it isn't always possible. You have GOT to start talking. You may have to swallow your pride IF you love this woman. Ask her what SHE needs to be happy. TELL her what you need to be happy. See if the two of you can work towards that. NO ONE wants to be unhappy as life is just too short. You need to TRY and see if she is willing to meet you 50/50 in the effort. If not, please don't waste your life being unhappy. Your kids will grow up and have their own lives and families. When they are grown, they wouldn't want to realize they were the reason you waisted years of your life being unhappy.
Have you asked your counselor for input as to why counseling hasn't helped? I have to think if neither of you have left/ given up yet and are making the effort for counseling, there must be something worth saving? Was it ever a happy marriage? if so, it can be again.
2007-12-14 22:02:29 · answer #2 · answered by 8 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you knew that your slowness was a problem for her why did you let it go to this point. As far as your parents they must have treated her badly for her to feel that strongly. That should have never happened. And now after years of all this you think you can come here and get a magic answer? Sorry. The way you said, " but the mother of our children " sounds like that's all she is to you. When did that happen? She is no saint but are you? Why would you expect her to be when I'm sure you aren't? why won't she go to a movie with you is it that uncomfortable for her to be around you. Listen to what she is saying and if you really want her and your marriage SHOW her actions speak louder than words... To start off with you need to set your parents straight in front of her. Let her see that you are trying. good luck.
2007-12-14 23:40:07 · answer #3 · answered by deerlady2000 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try getting someone to have the boys for an evening so that you can sit down and talk things through. Trying to let each other speak openly and honestly. One talks, one listens. If you can stick to that without it turning into a slanging match then that's a start. If your not able to do that then I suggest you both write down the positives and negatives and exchange them. Giving each other time to read and take it all in. Whether or not your able to move forward will depend on what your able to get out in the open. As far as the sex goes and the lack of it. I suggest you forget about that at the moment. That is going to be way way down her list of priorities just now in getting back to the way things were if possible. Above all else, communication is the key to fixing things if they can be fixed. I wish you well!
2007-12-14 21:53:08 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not a whole lot, you could try finishing the jobs she is frustrated about and going to see your parents rather than having them over for the time being..and not discussing your wife with them as she will only resent this if she finds out. Bring her a small gift now and then to show that she has been in your thoughts..but do not expect anything in return just yet. If she does not want to go out then why not send for take-away dinner now and then so she can relax in the evening rather than prepare food? Counselling may still be of use, but do not expect it to solve everything overnight; you may not have been aware of it but your wife's feelings are the work of years, not days or months, and it will take a while for them to change.
2007-12-14 21:48:33 · answer #5 · answered by selina.evans 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you can take a step back, and just work on communication.
I'm not sure what is going on there. But the fact that she hates your parents wouldn't seem to be a problem, she is not married to them (but looks to be a source of friction).
You need to make sure that you side with your wife. Sometimes after people get married, they still side with mom and/or dad when there is friction. You need to side with your wife, and if mom or dad has a problem, then why even go over their for a visit. Mom and Dad need to respect you and your wife, and your marriage, if they cannot do that, then maybe you need to see them less. Stand up for your wife.
Look for ways to show your wife that you love her and don't expect something in return (ie. sex). Your wife probably wants to know that you love her, or at least if you show her love without expecting anything in return, she will probably will respond to that.
2007-12-14 21:49:56 · answer #6 · answered by str8_op 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Iam single but i dont know if my answer will help you .
- as i see you are always with your wife, so let her miss you sometimes like you go camp with your Friends for some days
After that you must let her feel that you missed her .
- Say I LOVE YOU every day
- Treat her like as you start the relationship
- Hang out with the people that she likes to be with
- Every week gather your children for a family dinner and talk about how you raise your children .
- you cant get you parents out of the picture they are your parents and they raise you so you can let her know the good thing about them dont mention the negative things
- Find a good job man , and let her know that you are seeking for
I think thats will do it
2007-12-14 21:53:21 · answer #7 · answered by Yahoo Fan 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
get things done faster, explain to her that she's the priority, not your parents. Though those things seem to really be stand-ins for other deeper issues, they're merely the physical manifestations of her real feelings about you and the relationship. But if neither of you is really happy, perhaps you need to be the one to say that there needs to be a separation, often distance really does make the heart grow fonder.
2007-12-14 22:33:12 · answer #8 · answered by S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How did you get her interested in you when you first met? What ever you did that's what you need to do,in other words you have to become someone different someone exciting and fun and sexy. If you have gained weight then you need to lose it and if you let yourself go then start dressing better. If you had a girlfriend you would be doing everything i have suggested and then some so if you want your wife's love back you are going to have to get off your a s s and do something about it because it's not going to happen by itself.
2007-12-14 22:12:26 · answer #9 · answered by Teenie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have a heart-to-heart talk with her about the problems and discuss with her the possible solutions. Avoid finger-pointing and remind yourselves of your vow to stick by each other for better or for worse. Keep in mind, too, that the solutions might demand that you give up certain matters in her favor; the same things can be said to her.
2007-12-14 21:54:43 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋