We weren't doing anything at all but talking. I was sitting on the bed smoking a cigarette and he was standing up beside me. (The bedroom is the only room in the house I smoke in.) The friend had only been at our house for about 15 minutes when my husband got home. He was late getting off work and should have been home an hour earlier. The door was closed, but not locked. We have all been friends for years. I didn't think for a second that my husband would have been upset about him being there with me. Nothing inappropriate has ever happened between the friend and me. But, when my husband got home, he flipped out. He kicked his friend out of the house. He called me a lying, cheating slut. He acted like he had caught us in the bed naked. I tried to talk to him, but he completely shut me out. He went to bed tonight without saying a word. What in the hell did I do that was so wrong? How do I get him to talk to me about the situation? He's not usually the jealous type.
2007-12-14 15:42:11 · 42 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I can see where it might have looked a little bad. But, I've been alone with the friend many times and my husband never acted this way before. He's never said things to me like he said tonight. He's always encouraged me to be friends with his friends. I've never cheated on him. He's never had any reason to be suspicious that I was cheating. Also, he's never had any reason to think that I was interested in his friend. I just don't understand why he reacted the way he did. And, how can I understand and make things right when he won't even look at me, much less talk to me about what happened?
2007-12-14 15:45:50 · update #1
you do know you can smoke outside, it probably be even better since then you dont have to clean so much.
2007-12-14 15:45:42 · answer #1 · answered by DJ M 4 · 8⤊ 1⤋
1) NEVER be alone with another man any where. Smoke outside, or don't smoke and stay in the living room. Being in a room alone with another man, regardless of him just being a friend, is just something that shows disrespect. When you take a step back, put yourself in your husband's position, you may see how inappropriate it is.
2) Your husband over-reacted, verbally abused you and that has consequences. THAT is unacceptable.
I suggest learning communication skills, and work on issues that are not healthy in the marriage.
Have you done things like this in the past like this? Is there something in you you need to change?
Your husband's reaction may have been the limit for him and he blew up. OR he is accusing you of the very thihg he is guilty of - this is called projection.
Whatever the issues, they are not always divided evenly between spouses.
It is very healthy to make a change, both of you, for the better.
2007-12-14 16:06:53 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your husband probably felt pretty funny walking in HIS bedroom - and finding another guy there - while his wife was smoking a cigarette. Plus - he may have been tired from working .. and in a bad mood .. maybe even cranky .. and he just flipped out over the sight.
It's evident that he did not like what he saw.
There is just "something-about" another man in your bedroom with your wife which does not set well. And the cigarette .. well .. that was not a good thing either.
Think about this ... if someone else had walked in on you 2 in the bedroom .. they probably would have thought the worse .. even if nothing happened.
2007-12-14 16:18:57 · answer #3 · answered by Tara 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Have you ever thought that he maybe covering for something he has done. He sounds alittle too suspicious of you. If he had no problem before, the big question is, "why have a problem now?"
Something has happened to provoke him into thinking like that. Maybe that friend of his has provoked him, or someone at work. You will have to let him cool down alittle, then try to talk to him, get him to talk about that night, what was going through his head at the time, what he thought had happened in the room. And especially talk to him about the name calling. That was definitely uncalled for.
If he feels he has nothing to say about that night and his attitude, then just give him some space, pack a bag or two, and have some time away from him.
Give him about a week, give or take a day or two.
Guaranteed he'll be knocking at your door, asking you to go back home.
I hope he turns around and talks to you........
Good Luck to you and your husband.......
2007-12-14 16:00:32 · answer #4 · answered by tepania4 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Shouldn't have had the door shut, and your friend should have not been in the room with you. He should have waited in another room like the kitchen or living room. Maybe you should have smoked out side and waited until your husband got home for the guy friend to come into the house. You two need to set boundries.
2007-12-14 16:31:21 · answer #5 · answered by Bluemomma 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
first off i will say this................ the bed room door shouldnt of been closed for one and two ...that room is where you make love with your husband that is your and his personal space no one elses and really that guy shouldnt of been in there at all for any reason....................... with that said maybe in the back of your hubbies mind he feels that you may be bored with him and you might want to see if the grass was greener on the other side................ either that or hes had a really really bad day and coming home to the friend in your bedroom didnt help at all ............ even though it was quite inocent it didnt look like that to him at the time ................ what would you think if it were your hubby and your best friend smoking in the bedroom ? you would have to wonder whats happened there b4 you got home .leave it till tomorrow and let the dust settle and then talk to him about it as i could only imagine how upset you are that hes is so cross with you ...... try and understand how it all looked to him when he walk in ...it wouldnt of looked good as its your bedroom
2007-12-14 15:54:39 · answer #6 · answered by jess 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Your bed room is a special place for you and him,maybe he knows this Friend is not a good person, he has no idea how long he was there or if you were just finishing up something and having a smoke afterwords please understand that this is his place with you not for other men especially if he is not there, would you freak out if you came home the door was shut and he was smoking with a girl, it is a bad situation, men know men and 99 percent of men if given the chance will take advantage of women sorry most guys are jerks and friendship means nothing
2007-12-14 15:52:01 · answer #7 · answered by joe f 1 · 7⤊ 0⤋
You just dont go into a bedroom alone with any other man but your husband.....you just dont. It doesnt matter if anything is going on or not......its just inappropriate. Especially with the door closed........WHY did the door have to be closed? It was a poor choice you made....even if you werent thinking about it being a bad choice at the time....it was. Deal with it....you have no other choice. Make sure that nothing like that happens again.
2007-12-14 16:02:23 · answer #8 · answered by Amanda 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If the situation were reversed; if you walked in your home to a closed bedroom door.....and opened it to see your husband
sitting on the bed and a female friend standing next to him, how would you honestly feel?
Many extramarital relationships are between friends of spouses, did you know that? There must be some basis for
your husband's behavior, and when he cools down perhaps the two of you can discuss what he was feeling.
It is strange to think that anyone would choose to smoke in their bedroom with the door closed when no one else is home......
Perhaps something else has happened in your relationship that has led your husband to suspect you may not love him, be honest with him, or be cheating on him and the only way to find this out is to eventually discuss this with him.
Healthy marital boundaries would typically indicate that one
does not go into a bedroom with a friend, period---not to mention closing the door, not to mention when your spouse is not even present. Most people would just assume this type of rule in marriage.
So the onus is on you to explain yourself to him and hope he will understand your reasoning.
I wish you well.
Doris
2007-12-14 16:04:42 · answer #9 · answered by Doris L 3 · 3⤊ 2⤋
First of all it is not a good idea to have your husband friend over when he is at work in the room with you and the door is close. Perhaps something is going on with your husband and he is trying to put the blame on you. Read in between the lines okay.
best of luck
2007-12-14 16:55:49 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If I found my man in our bedroom with one of my friends and the door was shut I would be thinking the same thing! What the hell were you thinking and how did you both end up in there in the first place?? I would never have one of my BF friends in our bedroom with the door shut. Saying that you were only in there to smoke sounds like a lie. Theres this place where everyone else goes to do it. Its called OUTSIDE!
2007-12-14 15:53:57 · answer #11 · answered by melbot82 3 · 6⤊ 0⤋