Torn Art
My heart is black, burnt by the actions of you,
You speak, and we hear the cries of the abused.
An ethereal being, made from the dark,
the night is your breeding ground, your area of delight.
I used to love you, never wanted to be apart,
But you changed, what happened to my sweet piece of art?
Angels in heaven, being of light,
they were once jealous, jealous of your elegant parts.
Skin of lace, hair of gold,
a voice so angelic, it was meant for heaven to behold.
Breath of roses, eyes of sweet ice,
I wanted to hold it, I wanted to be a part.
What happened to your innocence, what happened to your heart,
I want to see it bleed, hear it beat, give it a new start.
Where did your love go, did it fly away,
did those envious stares finally have their way?
Now your words just drop like acid tart,
just like your soul, You're falling apart.
2007-12-14 12:54:16 · 31 answers · asked by SilverFantasy 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
I like it..gj
2007-12-14 12:55:52 · answer #1 · answered by GetDownWithThe$ickness 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My suggestion, because you really show talent:
Try basing your next poem on another. Take a stiff, formal poem that reads aloud well to you (you can really get into how it's supposed to be read, you like the way it rhymes), and write your own words using that rhyme scheme and all that. I'm a terrible, terrible poet, but when I managed best for school work when we were assigned things like that.
It helps you figure out how to make a poem flow, because I think that's your greatest fault here. It's a little awkward and choppy. Then you'll be able to express yourself within a form that comes across well.
2007-12-15 02:34:20 · answer #2 · answered by Koz 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Many lovely rhyming stanza's however I can't find context. I think perhaps "I want to see it bleed, hear it beat, give it a new start" needs a bit of adjustment, just --a thought. Very pretty!
2007-12-14 21:14:20 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Enjoyable, done before, not this poem but the style is beat within this genre, clever witty and well word'd, use more of a concise method, I believe you can benifit from that.
2007-12-14 21:48:33 · answer #4 · answered by kissaled 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well usually in a poem the first line is supposed to grip your attention. i understand that you worked very hard, it really does show, but your poem says "its a sappy love poem and its boring"
it should say "hey this is interesting. u want to read more because you like it"
im just saying it was boring.
good tequnique though
u can get far with your skill.
2007-12-14 20:57:41 · answer #5 · answered by TIFFY 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Eyes of sweet ice. very good.
drop like acid tart. lame.
2007-12-14 20:59:17 · answer #6 · answered by fastfreedombailbonds 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well it was quite heart warming but also depressing at the same time. i think your the next shakespeare young lad, keep working at it and you'll be a poem picasso.
2007-12-14 20:57:44 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
your a great poet!!
i love your poem!!!
from a scale 1-10 i would rate this poem a 100000!!
im srry for who ever that girl is
she needs to bea better girlfriend to u
2007-12-14 21:10:15 · answer #8 · answered by kayla z 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I liked the first stanza the best- you are good at free verse
2007-12-14 20:58:47 · answer #9 · answered by Gator 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Omg you have a talent I loved it are you going to be a poet when you grow up!
2007-12-14 20:57:12 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its really deep, makes me a little sad. But its really well written and hey it gave me shivers lol
2007-12-14 20:56:39 · answer #11 · answered by LaurenLovesYou 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋