LOST
When the day is going down 'It's so quiet all around.
I always go sit by the sea' I daze and dream what my life
Was suppose to be.As I'm leaving there one night' i seen these wonderful green eye's and what a sight.
He seen me crying there that nightstand said whatever your
Problem you have to learn to fight. As we sat and looked around he kissed my cheek ' And said you need to get away' and leave this crazy ole town. As i confided what had been'
He said baby looks like i may be your one and only friend.
Then he said i will help you get away' as this life your living is not ok... He took me by the arms' and we started walking fast
When out of my eye I seen this Monster from my past.
I tried to scream ' i tried to run but that shadowed figure
shot all my hopes and dreams with a damn magnum 44 gun.
This is to a really special friend in my life' and i hope he likes it,,
2007-12-14 11:41:43 · 7 answers · asked by Cami lives 6 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
This is only the second poem i have ever written or posted' and thank-you everyone for the great advice,I'll know what to do better next time as i will write more for my love.
2007-12-14 13:15:44 · update #1
Darlin, let me start by saying how much I think of your courage for posting on here something that is direct from your heart. The poem is nice, but flawed as poetry goes. What you have written is quite beautiful, and if it had been written for me, it would be as well received as if Longfellow had written it. I felt your heart pouring out through your words, the sense of happiness and sorrow mingled. The more you write, the better you will get. Try looking at your local library for books on the technical aspects of poetry. Thank you for sharing this with us.
2007-12-15 00:28:48 · answer #1 · answered by Dondi 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It depends on the purpose and the audience of the this piece. If you're using it for a friend, as you have stated, then it will be well received, and if they are really your friend, will tell you what they think. If you are an aspiring poet, I would suggest that you not rhyme so much and try writing the piece as prose as opposed to poetry until you have a firm grasp of allusion and metaphor. You may also try to en jam the poem for visual/reading effect. Some poems are meant to be read and others are meant to be heard. As poetry for a general audience, I'm afraid it does need some work. The last line I would definitely keep, but the rest I would either expand or rewrite differently. Please take whatever I say as simple critique aimed at making you aware of poetry's fickle nature. I liked the piece as a work in progress.
2007-12-14 11:59:15 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
it is particularly an outstanding piece. in basic terms one couplet would not seem to stick on your helpful destructive topic being forget and remorseful approximately. advise you attempt writing a rhyming couplet with what you have and you gets an somewhat amazing poem. then back what you have is enormously good too.
2016-11-03 07:31:56 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's cool. I'd watch how I structured the stanzas for easier reading and continuos flow. Other than that I felt it.
2007-12-14 11:45:43 · answer #4 · answered by Semp-listic! 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well.....keep on writing, Kiddo. I see talent.
2007-12-14 11:49:43 · answer #5 · answered by doggybag300 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
it is confusing, but alluring
2007-12-14 11:45:11 · answer #6 · answered by dk s 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
oh that is so amazing i love it so much... :)
2007-12-14 11:45:35 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋