my husband is gay?

Question

I recently found out that my husband (weve been together for 10 years)has been looking at gay stories,some of which envolve storys about "daddy 25"and "little jimmy ".He has a fake e mail "name".He has also sighned up to "adult friend finder" as a man seeking a man for a relationship,3 somes etc although doesnt appear hes taken it any further than filling out a profile.I know he loves me and our children but what should i do?

Answer 1

Pray, and then do the best you can!

Answer 2

You sound so worried about this, and with good reason. Being 'gay' or having gay feeling just doesn't happen overnight, so if he is 'gay' he must have had these suppressed feelings for some time, and if so, for how long ?

His inability to ever have confronted you with this for 10 years, to me says that he even now, has no idea that you've found out, and you (if you decide to confront him with this information) you're going to have to be prepared to either to 'work' through this, or find a more permanent solution, although do consider there may be a reasonable explanation.. who knows...

You don't say how old the childen are ? and if they're young, this is obviously going to be harder on you to make any decision that may mean a 'break-up. The only other alternative, is that you stay with him until the kids are older, then, unless you can work it out, leave.

You may be able to take on board what's happening, but whatever you decide, there's not just you and your husband to consider is there ?.

Make your own decision on this, don't listen to peer pressure, parents, friends, relatives (should you ask for other opinions) it's got to be discussed between your husband and yourself, away from the children, and on your own, with others around you, they may push, persuade, or opinionate, and it's your lives, and future together that's at balance here, not theirs.

Counsellors can help, but again that's your decision.

Hope you can work this one out.. good luck

a friend x

Answer 3

You need to have a serious talk with him.. If you can live knowing he is actually gay and while he seems curious to seek out those things that his sexual desires lead him to, he may never cheat on you.. However if he wants to do more than just look and explore then you might want to get a divorce so he can fulfill what he is looking for and probably has been for years..

You would be surprised at the number of gay men that are married to women with children.. Many are aware of their feelings but fight very hard to not give into them for various reasons.

Answer 4

First of all, he may be 'bi' not just gay.
Having gay 'fantasies' doesn't mean that he will act upon them.
It doesn't sound like he's given any indication of wanting to give up his family- at least not that you've described. So- all that's good.

I'm guessing that it would be very difficult for you to talk to him about it without embarrassing the heck out of him? Everyone that said "confront him" is wrong. That's a sure road to failure.

Be very careful with accusing him of anything. He could just be fantasizing- which is normal.

On the kinky side- perhaps he'd be interested in you getting a strap-on. Maybe you can have some fantasy fun with him that might meet his needs. But- do this without ever bringing up what you suspect about him. Say it's something that *you'd* like to do.

You're married with kids. You're not dating each other. Even if he is bi-curious, it doesn't mean that you can't have a good marriage (as long as he's still attracted to you).

Answer 5

Best would to talk to him without getting angry or pointing at him. You should also realize that you have intruded in his personal area.


Most of the times life of married couples becomes monotnous after few years of wedding. So may be he is looking for some excitement elseware. I am not trying to threaten you but think about your daily routine and the quality time you spent together as a couple and as a family. Try doing some new crazy stuffs at home .

Try to talk to him about what you foundout about him and tell him that you are little worried and want to have the same goody time as you had in initial years when you met.

Hope this will help you

Answer 6

There may be nothing you can do. It's not like quitting smoking. He has always had these feeling for men. As much as this situation you're in is very distasteful, you have to look at the big picture and decide if it's something you and the kids can live with. Problem is he will eventually become more overt in his actions with other men and that could fracture your family even worse than it is at the present time. I feel very bad for you but I hope I've given you some food for thought. Good luck.

Answer 7

Well I would certainly be talking to him about it. Much will depend on what he wants and thinks. If it were not acceptable to me then I would take action. There are many questions your children will have and they need to be answered now. Are you still having sex? You do not know to what level he may have taken this. If he is just shopping around then he needs to be honest with you and you need to be pro-active in this situation. Seek some help from family, friends or clergy. This is a rocky road. Many emotions involved. The worst thing to do is to do nothing. You deserve honesty and fidelity. Any relationship does. Your children certainly do.

Answer 8

Holy cow! You've got to talk to him about it and see what it means. Make sure he is happy in your marriage and that everything is okay there. Then make sure if he has ever acted upon any of these urges. If he has, then you have to make your own decisions. The first of which is to get tested for STD's including HIV.

Let him know cheating is cheating whether it is a man or a woman.

Answer 9

Has he told you this or have you confronted him, or have you just discovered something he has tried to keep secret?

The first thing I would do if I were you is get him out of the house, or get out yourself if you can't get him to leave. If he is communicating online with potential sex offenders and pedophiles, he is putting your kids at risk.

The next thing I would do is go get tested for AIDS, very quickly followed by consulting a good divorce attorney. You might have grounds for annulment, and if not that, you should sue for sole custody. The lawyer may have a PI on staff he/she can use to track your husband and get evidence you will need in court.

I guess I got things a bit out of sequence, because before I did any of this I would be praying and seeking spiritual guidance, perhaps from my pastor or a Christian counselor.

I am so sorry you are going through this!

Answer 10

I agree. You might need to talk to him. See where he stands. It may be something that he's not telling you. If you know that he loves you and the kids, then it's important for the sake of your relationship to find out the truth. But whatever you decide to do, take this slow and don't like jump down his throat about it ( I know you have to feel kind of betrayed ) because that will make things worse.

Answer 11

Very difficult to answer briefly. But are there money troubles, job troubles? Has he been watching movies or too much TV? Going to clubs and bars alone? In short is he lonely? You see there is no such thing as gay-gene or orientation which is so inbuilt that people cannot choose their partner.
Try and change things- get him involved in something which stops him thinking about himself. Get him to join a hospital volunteer scheme or try a new hobby! He sounds like many who get involved in affairs they want something to happen in their lives.