I'm very unhappy with my 20 year marriage what do I do?

Question

My husband cheated on me. With a stripper, he said he wants to make the marriage work. But I feel so sad. I trusted this man I thought he was my best freind. Come to find out he lied to me and cheated. I's been 6 months now and I still feel sad and the thought of a stripper all up on my man makes me sick. I love him but everything keeps going through my head. What should I do.? Help!!!!

Answer 1

You have my deepest respect for what you are doing. Your husband has a problem, that he passed on to you. now the Innocent has to pay. You both need to face your demons and come to understanding. some key elements in forgiving and move passed something are:

Sincere remorse and desire to put right the wrong committed. Simply saying sorry does not cut it.

Understanding of why, why was he with a stripper and why he cheated.

Understanding is the most valuable. With out it, he can not do the first. With out it you can not forgive.

I have included two links to people that can help. They are both outreach ministries. From the reviews and personnel conversations go with Retrouvaille. Very little preaching, lots of good help. It's a weekend retreat with some follow up evenings.

You are in a great deal of pain, you need more than a one hour therapy session a week can give. Retrouvaille has a 80%+ sucess rate. This is after 5yrs and happy.

you have invested 20 years and 6 months of hell, would one more weekend break the bank.

Please don't give up. God worked hard to bring you two together.

Answer 2

I understand you COMPLETELY! I admire you.
This is not easy at all.I have this info that i am gonna copy and paste so you can read it.
I once entered a marriage counseling site and they keep sending me these messages so hope you find it useful.


Repairing an Affair

Hi, this is Peter Pearson. We have been getting great questions from our listeners.

And this time Ellyn will answer a really complex question which is:

How do I learn how to trust my partner again after he had an extra-marital affair?

Where do I start if we both want this relationship to continue?

Ellyn: Well first, three cheers for both of you that you are taking your marriage so seriously, and that you want to rebuild trust and continue your marriage.

Rebuilding trust has to do with the re-creation of a strong and secure boundary around the two of you as a couple. The monogamous commitment that is made when two people get married creates a secure bond. However, when an affair occurs, that boundary is ruptured. It can definitely be restored with even more strength and a stronger commitment, but that takes work. It seems like you know that.

Repairing a marriage usually involves three stages. First, it takes making clear decisions about the processes that you will use to work towards that repair and towards re-establishing trust. You might want to answer the following questions:

Step I:
1. Will we live together or separately while we do this work?
2. Will we involve a therapist or not?
3. Will we read and work from a book together (I highly recommend Janis Spring’s book, “After the Affair”)?
4. Will we designate specific times to talk to one another about the affair and the circumstances surrounding it?

Step II is the time for real soul-searching and honesty. The partner who has had the affair must really look inside and understand what led them to decide to have the affair. And the spouse must also soul search to see whether or not they contributed to the affair. Some affairs have partner involvement and others do not.

A one-night stand that a spouse has when drinking and lonely, is very different from an affair that occurs in the context of a marriage when one partner refuses sex for many years. These are just two examples. Therapists are very good at helping untangle the complexity that can exist.

Also in step II, you will probably want to talk about the type of betrayal and the type of deception.

Step III:
It is only in stage three that you can truly make a clear decision about whether to recommit and reestablish that clear boundary around the two of you as a couple.

If you would like more info about repairing after an affair, click here.

Here you will find a downloadable audio session and transcript on affairs that Pete and I did to teach therapists about repairing. But, it spells out many of these stages in greater detail and might be something you find useful.

Above all, while you are working to repair your marriage, be kind and gentle to your marriage. And remember- it does take time. I wish you well and applaud your willingness to do this challenging work to preserve your marriage.

With appreciation and respect-

Ellyn and Pete.
© Copyright 2007 The Couples Institute - Professional Marriage Advice

Answer 3

I have to ask 3 questions to know if your relationship has a chance...

1. Did your husband think your sexual relationship was second to none? the best he has ever had?

2. Do you have sex that YOU initiate at least 3 times a week?

3. Did you deeply offend him and he has drifted away?

Don't read into this just yet... this is more about his motivation... if his motivation was that he is terribly dissatisfied, then if your sex life improves he will be faithful. If he (and this can't be YOUR opinion) if HE LOVED your sex life... and had NO(zero, nadda) complaints, then he is a player and will cheat again...

He had NO right to cheat... I am not saying that... but if he was unhappy with the sex life you two have... then, if circumstances change he will be faithful...

You have to decide two things... Was he unsatisfied and are you willing to make him satisfied... if you are unwilling... then go ahead and end the relationship.

If he was satisfied, then end the relationship because he is a player... but be careful, he will tell you he was satisied just to get back in your good graces... make sure you really KNOW if he was satisfied.

Women don't get it... if the sex isn't good... nothing is good...

Answer 4

I would not stay married to him. How many other times has he done this or lied to you and you just did not catch him? He might tell you none but you already know that he is a cheat and a liar. I would not believe him. You deserve to be happy and you are not going to find happiness with him. Life is to short for you to be sad and unhappy with the one person that is suppose to make you on top of the world.

Answer 5

I've been married 14 yr and if this were to ever happen I promised my self that I deserve better and no matter how much it hurt, and how much I might think I still love him, it would be over. I would never trust him ever again and wouldn't want to live with the stress and wonder. That's just what I would do, but other counseling has helped.

Answer 6

I'm sorry but I think it is and should be over. What type of husband is going to strip clubs any way? Also once a cheater always a cheater. You need to skip the couples therapy and get your own and walk. A year from now you will be happy you did. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees, you know? Good luck. I do feel for you....

Answer 7

This answer will be the same as many I have posted: You CAN control your thoughts. You are choosing to allow the images in your brain. Unless you sit around and daydream yourself into stupidity, your thoughts are pretty much controlled by your will. I am so sorry that he cheated on you. But you need to be honest with yourself-do you really want to forgive him? Do you want to work it out? Who cares what he wants at this point! I always encourage the "cheated on" person to take time alone to really consider whether or not they can truly commit to forgiveness. Alone, by yourself, not with him being all pitiful "I'm so sorry I hurt you" in your face. You need to decide if you want him, at all. Not, I have 20 years invested, not I still love him-but-do you truly want to be with him? Restoring trust takes so much work-and you have to be willing to commit to your share of it. Even in a cheating-marriage takes two people. It is not your fault he cheated, that was his choice. But it is going to rest on your shoulders as much as his whether or not you will repair your marriage and restore your bond. And that is not a decision that you can make lightly or without deep self reflection. Stop thinking of the stripper, she does not matter. You do, you are in control, not only of your thoughts, but of whether or not the marriage is salvaged. After 20 years, if this is the only time he cheated, I would encourage forgiveness and restoration. However, Jesus says you are released in this case, so if you want to divorce, you are clear to do so. Even God recognized that the betrayal of adultery is a sin that only He would be capable of forgiving. Maybe He knew that as humans, we probably wouldn't get over it, so He granted adultery as a reason to justify divorce. Take some time, maybe ask Him for direction, works for me.

Answer 8

I can only say to you, "Have you asked him why he behaves like he does"?
There may be a problem/s in his life and he needs fantasy to take his mind off of whatever is bothering him.
If you can summon the strength to sit him down for an in depth talk you may release his tension. It's a hard one for you because you are the one who has been wronged.
I wish you all the best. Merry Christmas and I hope the New Year will be good to you.

Answer 9

All staying with this man is going to do is chip away at your own self worth. With one act he demolished everything you knew to be true about your life, and that is hard to deal with. I hope that you are seeking counseling for yourself so you can sort through your feelings and determine whether or not this is something that YOU can get past. This is no longer about him---it's about you, and what you are willing and not willing to accept going forward. I am very sorry this happend to you.

Answer 10

I really think you both need to deal with it. You are still struggling with it, you need to address how you are feeling. If you need to get away to think, sounds like you need some space to figure out what you want. He choose what he wanted, you have right to choose for you. You have ask yourself can your forgive, trust and move one, that is biggest question you have to ask yourself, otherwise it is gonna drive you crazy thinking about it all time. God Bless, just stay strong and don't make same mistake he made.