How to get my elderly Mom on a schedule?

Question

My 84-year-old Mom is driving me CRAZY. She has lived with my husband & I for most of the past 25 years. She has terrible health history with cancer, heart disease, sclerosis, and this year an illness caused by the bacteria c.dif which has resulted in multiple hospitalizations. She takes a ton of medicine all of which I now dole out since she is unable to keep them straight. She however will not function on a schedule. She wants to read til 2 or 3AM, then sleep until 12 o 1PM, which makes it impossible to get her meds dispensed. She won't get dressed until 5 or 6PM, she won't eat on a regular schedule, she will not drink enough water to hydrate herself but when she gets sick I'm of course on the spot to care for her/stay at the hospital/etc. Despite repeated conversations & all out arguments with her she will NOT cooperate and we end up arguing about it on a nearly daily basis. HELP?

As much as I hate to admit it it may indeed be time to consider another arrangement. I am to the point where I feel like I'm caring for an obstinate teenager instead of my Mother.

Thank you one and all for the advice. In my heart of hearts I know the time when I can no longer care for her is nearing. She is no longer willing nor able to do what is needed to basically care for herself. I don't mind doing the laundry, cooking, cleaning, and care-giving if she would only cooperate in getting the medicines in, doing her exercises, drinking water, etc. but she just will not. She absolutely hates the idea of living in a nursing home, she has said many times she would rather be dead. My siblings will not or cannot take care of her and yet they will crucify me if I suggest it's time for assisted care. She has no financial resources so the family would have to chip-in and that will be a very tough nut to crack. I fear I'm trapped in the situation--I don't want to be the bad daughter, the bad sister or the bad wife but SOMETHING has to change. Again, thanks to one and all for the advice and kind words.

Answer 1

You are a wonderful daughter and your husband is a wonderful son-in-law. If other families were like you, we would not need nursing facilities. I presume your mother is mentally alert if she is up reading at night. I suggest talking with Mom and asking her what she wants. Tell her that she can live with you, but if she does not get on a schedule, take her medicines, exercise, etc., that you cannot force her to do this, and she will probably get sick, and die. Perhaps your mother realizes her time is short, and she does not care to work so hard to stay alive; maybe she just wants to enjoy her final days, and live what time she has left her own way. Then, you have to let her choose to live the way she wants to, and just enjoy the last precious time you have left with your mom, while doing the best you can to encourage her without stressing over it.

Answer 2

Hats off to you and your husband for opening your home to her for the past 25 years and double hats to you for being her care giver. While being a caregiver is one of the most important jobs it is defiantely one of the most underrated jobs on the planet.

Your mom is probably struggling like most aging Americans do, she still feels like she is the mom and she should be taking care of you and doesn't handle it well when she needs to be taken care of. It is a challenge many people face and there is no "quick" solution. As challenging as it may be arguing about it only frusturates both parties involved and puts major stress on the situation.

Does her health care and or financial situation allow a home nurse to come in? This helps remove you from a very pressured filled situation and lets your mom feel as if she still has some independence because it isn't a "child" taking care of her.

As difficult as it may be, you and your husband may also want to think about an assisted living community. They have come leaps and bounds from when they were 10-20 years ago. When my parents turned 55 they begged to be let in (little did they know the ones in their area required them to be 65). This will help her and you in the long run. It can be difficult but it might be the right decision.

Good luck with what ever you decide!

Answer 3

I have just lost my 91 year old mother. When she first had problems with senility, she exhibited many of the signs you are writing about. Her internal "clock" was gone. It sounds to me like your mom needs to be in a place where they deal with this kind of problem all the time, but, if you can't do that, and you are committed to taking care of this at home, then you have to find ways to enforce the schedule, ex: no lights on after 10:00pm means YOU have to control the light switch. Getting up and getting dressed means YOU have to get her up and get her dressed. YOU have to interupt whatever is going on to dispense medicines.
You are absolutely WASTING your time discussing changes and arguing. She CANNOT make the changes. You will have to, or you will have to find some place else to take care of her.
YOU are the one who will be sick next by the sounds of the stress you are under. Siblings will not thank you for all the care you are giving, nor will they understand the sheer amount of work you are doing.

Answer 4

I truly do "feel" your stress. The level is enormous. You have my admiration for what you are doing for your Mother, but in all honesty I think that Mr. Ed has the right answer. Once your Mother gets a taste of what a nursing home can be - she might just decide that you were right after all. So after the suggested family pow wow and all the other good intentions and suggestions expressed here - you might want to try Mr. Ed's approach - even on just a temporary basis. It just might work - and if it doesn't you have lost absolutely nothing! CJ

Answer 5

Time switching seems to be common with older folks. My mom has always been a late-nighter, but at 97 she can not seem to sleep at night and takes naps during the day. She wants to sleep, but no matter how hard she tries, her schedule stays the same.

She went as far as wanting sleeping pills at night. I refused to even ask the doctor about it because I have the feeling she would still be up at night and I wouldn't be able to sleep fearing she would try to get up and go to the bathroom while droggy from sleeping pills. A broken hip would be far worse!!!

I don't think its a matter of your mother refusing to adhere to a schedule, it's more she can't do it. You might consider discussing this with your siblings and see if they can take a shift of duty........not 8 hours, but be there when pills need to be taken, she needs to get up, or when she needs a meal. It wouldn't take more than an hour of their time and give you more flexibility in your sechedule. If they won't, then consider a caretaker coming in to work a 4 hour shift during the time you need help. They could help her bathe, get dressed, eat and take a round of pills.

Arguing with her isn't going to find a solution. I don't know your mom, but I know my mom tries to be as little trouble as possible, yet she still can't get on a 'normal' schedule. You need to find out what will work for you that you can still feel you are doing what is best for your mom.

Do you have an adult daycare in your area? Maybe that would encourage your mom to get a better schedule by giving her a place to be at a set time. ....an afternoon visit would work well.

With my mom, I don't schedule any drs. appointments before 2 pm........lol. I learned a long time ago that it's just not worth trying to get her moving any earlier!

As far as a nursing home/assisted living getting her on schedule for you, I'm not convinced of that. I know if I had to put my mom in one, she would just miss meals. It would kind of defeat the purpose. I've gotten my mom up for breakfast before and after taking 1 1/2 hours for her to get to the table, she falls asleep at the table! She could care less if she eats or takes pills. Try to find a solution you can live with. That's all you can do.

Answer 6

Don't beat me down but it just might be time for a nursing home.
She probably has difficulty sleeping and feels at her age she can eat, sleep etc when she wants.
My own Mother though living in her home does the sleep all day and stay up all night thing too. It makes it hard for her to make appointments to the Dr. but it is her perogative.
You might have a heart to heart and tell her if she cannot try to help with her meds and meals timing it maybe come necessary for her to go into assisted living. It might get her attention.

Answer 7

You need to have a family pow wow and soon.No one can guess at your stress.I feel for you.When bedtime comes for you,it should come for her also.No listening to the TV while she sleeps in the day time.Get a schedule and show it to her.I had to buy cases of water for my Mom.I gave her 4 a day and they were to drank by 6 pm.Our days started at 6 am.I worked but I also work 25 feet from where I live.She ate what I served for all meals.We had a a baby monitor in the house where she was while I worked.Ask the family to take her for a month then share one month here and then one there.If she goes in a nursing home please know that if she signs herself in,she will be responsible for her bill.Let her money take care of her stay.If not you will be responsible for any unpaid costs.It adds up.Take care of all that before you place her...You have someone on your side,I know where you are at.....Been there..

Answer 8

Consult Social Security for possible income. Consult your local county Department of Family and Children Services, scheduling an appointment for possible Medicaid enrollment. Consult your local branch of the Council on Aging. I'm assuming she has no income because she never worked, and isn't the spouse of someone who did. All three of these suggestions are the sources of solutions. The Council on Aging has the master list of area nursing homes. She is not capable enough to qualify for Assisted Living.

Answer 9

My 91 year old dad has similar problems; he still lives alone but very close to me. He comes over or calls on the phone at 2:00 am. I've given him all kinds of clocks and hung a huge one at eye level by his front door, to no avail. I've begged him not to leave his house if it's dark, but he still does. Fortunately, we live in a small town where everyone knows him and helps look out for him. I am so sorry for both you and your mother. I am afraid that at this point, anything you say to her is simply not understood. I am no help, I guess, but I want to remind you that her feelings are very important, but so is your well-being. Many caregivers end up with more serious problems than the one they are taking care of; in some cases, the older person outlives the caregiver because of the stress. Please get in touch with an agency on aging. They can get help for ALL of you! God bless - I don't know you, but will include you in my prayers!

Answer 10

You are a wonderful woman and have a great husband. I know this is a difficult thing for you to handle and you absolutely need help. Would you consider an assisted living facility, or at least get respite care for her in the house so you may have a little freedom? I truly think that you have done an admirable job, bless you!