Am I Right To Be Upset With My Husband?

Question

My husband of four months and I recently made up after I learned that he hadn't paid November or December's rent (I just moved to his state from the west coast and I was without a job). Now I learned that in the past he has had all of these different types of women as sexual partners, although we spoke about our pasts before and after premarital counseling. (While in the army he has slept with a lot more women than he originally told me). I know it's in the past, but I look at him differently now, especially since he lied about it before. He's turning out to be a real disappointment. I'm trying to let it go, but I truly feel disgusted now. I don't even want to touch this man. I know we all have a history, but do I have a right to be upset with him?

Don't worry, we've both been tested (together) and we're good.

Chrystal, you must not be married. Anyway, I called his actions a big disappointment (the rent issue as well as his past pleasure), not just because he lied about his past. Get my drift?

As far as the rent is concerned, two of his friends helped with last November's rent and because I just started working a new job this week, I had to take money out of my retirement to pay this month's rent and the utilities. Yeah...I know.

We have no kids (and I hope to God he's not lying about that either).

Okay, some of you are just too ignorant for humanity. Marriage is a partnership.

1. What my husband has done sexually in the past IS my business as my past is his.
2. Everything that he does and has done effects me.
3. If he was grown enough to propose, walk down the aisle, and even serve in the United States Army, he should be grown enough to tell the truth at all times and to provide for HIS WIFE.
4. If I can quit my good-paying job in California, and leave my family and friends, the least he could do is have the damn rent and utilities paid when and before I get there.
5. What the hell is there to be jealous of? It's not a jealousy issue, it's a trust and health issue.

Answer 1

Well, you do have a right to be angry that he lied to you. But as far as not wanting to touch him and all that, the past is the past and he can't do anything to make things different that way. It was just part of his journey of life I suppose, he definitely should not of lied to you about it and I'm sure it's a very disappointing thing for you to swallow.

I would say, as long as he's not acting like that in the present, don't hate him for the past. Everything should be open and honest in a relationship/marriage and he failed to do that and now he has to rebuild some of the trust that he lost with you.

I know it's hard to just let go of something especially when it comes to someone that you are very close to. But for the sake of the marriage and the love you guys obviously have shared, try to move past it.

Good luck!

Answer 2

If you have only been married to him for four months, you could probably make a pretty good case for annulment if you just want out. This much trouble this early doesn't sound like you two have much of a future together--you will either spend the rest of your life trying to forgive and excuse his behavior and being disappointed (because he won't change), or you will invest more years and probably have kids and still end up divorced down the road. You didn't say whether or not you have children now; if not, DON'T! If you do, you may want to give it every opportunity to work for their sakes.

Annulment may not be as lucrative for you if he has Army benefits that you would get a piece of through settlement, but you also wouldn't be saddled with his debts--put a pencil to it and search your heart and if you are spiritual, pray about it.

If you can get past the disgust and find a way to work it out and forgive him and move forward, more power to you, but if you have lost all respect and trust it will be extremely hard for you to make the marriage work, especially if he's not even trying to be who you hoped and thought he was when you married him!

Answer 3

Your husband is an insecure guy. He sees you as an item. When you specific your sexuality, it this situation through having a calender with graphics of alternative guys, it humanizes you. This confuses and upsets your husband. He does not have an understanding of why an item is out of the blue 'appearing like a men and women'. To him it's as confounding as seeing a couch learn a booklet or gazing a tv set pour itself a lager. You have got to have any one your husband trusts, like a dad or mum or a mentor, provide an explanation for to him that females are men and women too. It might be intricate, however in time your husband will start to have an understanding of and expectantly you can each be capable to experience your smutty calendars in combination.

Answer 4

I completely feel you on this. Who your husband slept with in the past is your business! However, it could have been worse, at least he told you about the other women early on in the marriage. Yes, I understand that he lied about it, but if this is his first marriage, he, like yourself, are new at this. You're going to need some time to get to know one another more and more so that you can not only grow as husband and wife, but as friends. I'm glad that you got tested together and that you're alright. That's a blessing in itself.

Some of the comments I've read from some of these men are down right stupid! You have the right to be angry about the rent. What wife wants to get married, thinking she's going to settle comfortably with her new husband only to find out that she may get evicted? That's insane. Don't get an annulment, this is just a part of life--inconvenient. However, if there's a pattern of this behavior, then you may have to let him go. But for now, like it or not, you're in this together. You can get through this. It's better to get the struggle out of the way and grow on your journey of marriage. Like I said, you will get through this. Nothing that we want in life is convenient to obtain. And this struggle that you're going through will only allow you to build on your testimony. Stay encouraged.

Answer 5

You have every right to be upset. A man that can nit tell the truth is a half a man. If you have been truly good to him than he has no reason to do the things he has done to you, but if you chose to stay with him you should know that there always will be a 50 percent chance of him doing you wrong.
I would recommend counseling and a trip to the doctor to get checked out.

Answer 6

You could say you have a right because although you really weren't lied to you weren't told the full truth either. So, you could be upset, but you have to ask yourself...does he know everly little thing about your past too? I mean he may know how many men you have slept with, but does he know how many you possibly have "fooled around" with? No one knows EVERYTHING about anyone. Even what you know now there is probably more that you don't know, and probably don't want to know. The thing is that you fell in love with this man for a reason. The things you know now haven't changed him. In fact he is the man he is today because of the things he did back then. Just remember why you fell for him initially, because he has done nothing since then to change that (I hope).

Answer 7

I would definitely be upset if it were my husband. He's been dishonest with you both about your marital finances (by not paying the rent) and about his past sex history. How can you not look at him differently? It's a betrayal. These days with HIV and other STDs including HPV, *full* disclosure of one's sexual history is a must. This isn't the 1960s or 70s when a shot of penicillin "cured all ills". Those who say his sexual past isn't her business are wrong -- he could carry and transmit HPV (strongly linked to cervical cancer), chlamidia and even syphillis for decades even without him showing symptoms himself. So, in effect, she has to sleep with his ex-partners second hand and, since he withheld his true history, it was without her knowing, informed consent.

I know I looked at my DH differently when he became an active alcoholic -- and it took a lot of time and effort to get past that after he sobered up because his behavior while drinking included his own ways of betraying me and our marriage. Part of that work was helped along with marriage counseling.

If you want your marriage to continue, do see a marriage counselor. If you don't, then see a lawyer and seek an annulment rather than a divorce -- that way you don't carry any liability for any debts he incurred during those 4 months of marriage.

Answer 8

You're right to be upset with him for lying to you. Lying about sexual history is a deception that could result in an STD or a worse life-altering event. Not only that, but he portrayed himself as someone he is not, which means he may have lied about many other things. By doing this, he has insured that you do not really know him. He is a stranger that you thought you knew.

Answer 9

You're right in being upset with him. He lied!! And has betrayed your trust. Chances are he did so because he didn't want to scare you off by revealing his irresponsible behavior. But, as sincere as he was to paint a much better picture of his character for you than it really was, reality showed itself, like it always does.
Yeah, I'd be mad too! And re-considering if I'd want to be with someone who still has some growing up to do.

Answer 10

I would be upset too its not right to marry a woman under false pretenses he should have been honest with you I would be pretty disgusted too i dont know if i would be able to handle it but its really a matter of how you feel and what you feel you can accept or not Do you love this man enough to forgive him or not follow your heart and your gut a womans gut feeling is always right i know from past mistakes so listen to yourself and make your decision Remember that this is your one and only life live it to the fullest with the best of people surrounding you