Husband spends too much holiday money?

Question

My fiance spends way too much money on the holidays. We are fresh out of college and trying so hard to save (however that is kind of one sided, I want a mortgage one day). His family is on the other side of the country, while I have no problem with him going to see them, plane tickets are very expensive and they are not willing to fly out to see us even once (because they don't want to spend the money) if thats not bad enough.....

He buys SUPER expensive presents on top of that. I mentioned to him that since he's traveling he doesnt have to buy super expensive gifts and I'm sure people will understand. I am very frugal with gifts, but he snubs my gifts towards family member saying they aren't expensive enough. I tell him 1. they don't have to know the price. 2. I don't think they will. 3. We need to save up for ourselves!

I know its not my place to tell him what to do, but him just pouring out tons of money affects both of us, it delays us getting a home some day, please help.

I am very tight on money this year, so what I did is my mother gave me yarn so I could knit everyone scarves, my fiance says I should buy instead, he really believes that the more expensive it is the better.

Plus, NO ONE has to know that I didn't buy the yarn!

This affects both of us, even though it is not my place to tell him what to do, we live together and he cant afford to spend as much as he does, I think if anyone were to snub our gifts saying its not expensive enough I have the perfect comeback, "well we spend alot of money to fly and see you why don't you fly to see us for once and we'll tell you how much to spend on our gifts?" He really thinks it should be atleast 30 per person thats way to much for me even if I don't travel.

When it comes to family, he feels that you should buy a gift for each and every individual family member, yeah if it were one or two families it wouldn't be too bad, but there are ALOT of families and that just adds up way to much, I said if he aboslutly MUST spend, then try buying a board game for each family. He is worried that they will snob it (i don't think they will.)

He is just so worried about not hurting their feelings he acts like I don't have any feelings at all with regards to this.

Yes I am doing saving but that doesn't mean I am going to buy all of the housing expenses just because he refuses to save.

I am not telling him what to do, these were simply suggestions to him. It affects him paying the bills and he constantly asks me to borrow money b/c he keeps over spending on gifts and I won't aide him in his compulsive spending.

Look I am not claiming to be a perfect person, you can disagree with me without being rude. Calling me cheap is so unnecessary and uncalled for. Its getting to the point where he can't pay his fair share of the rent, and that is part of the reason why I can't afford expensive gifts is b/c he is having all the fun while I am covering most of the bills, I have to make up for what he can't pay for, am I supposed to be homeless for xmas gifts? I don't think so.

For those who are not familiar with knitting, it takes ALOT of work, yes even a scarf. *Gasp* I have been working on them since summer time, and they are beautiful scarves, it's the time and effort I put into those that counts, if anyone was to call me cheap for working on something so hard for them I would feel very insulted.

Answer 1

Since you guys are planning on getting married I really suggest some long conversations on money. Money problems are one of the major problems in marriage. You don't have to agree on everything but you will need to compromise & talk about how much you will spend on things once you are married. I wouldn't say too much right now since 1. your not married yet. Its still "your business" because it does effect you and it effects your future. 2. He has already spent it, so no reason to agrue about it now.
After the holidays you guys need to start having some long talks about money once your married.
good luck

Answer 2

I totally agree with you on this issue.. I know a lot of people will disagree, but I've always been raised to feel that it's the thought (not the price of the gift) that counts. Personally, I think your idea to knit scarves for everyone, is really nice! Even if you weren't trying to save money, it would still be a great idea.

As for your fiance, I guess if he's so determined to make Christmas such a "show" with how much he can get people, and how much he spends.. that will just have to be his thing. Just because he wants to go spend a lot of money, doesn't mean that his gifts are any more important or special than what you're making for them. If it's all about the money for them, then sadly.. they have their priorities messed up, and have forgotten what Christmas is all about.

I understand your frustrations, I really do. I think the best thing to do, is just let him do his thing (he probably will anyways) and you work on making scarves.. and just enjoy the holiday.

I will say though, you two really need to talk about this sort of thing, before you get married. I'm sure you can come to a middle-ground somewhere. If he enjoyes buying a lot of gifts.. fine, but he needs to realize that you have to make sure the bills and things are taken care of first. This is something you really need to work through, before you get married.. so it doesn't become an even bigger issue down the road.

Just talk to him about how you feel. I'm sure you two can find a middle ground with it all. :)

I hope you have a Merry Christmas!

Take care.

Answer 3

People break up over money. I feel your pain because I'm kind of in that situation myself. Unless you have control over his finances you don't have much of a say. If he's not able to pay rent then you don't have to cover for him. In fact you should stop that right now. Don't cover for him. MAKE HIM PAY or Kick him out and get another roommate. That is the only way you will get the message that he has to be more responsible with his finances. It's not the amount that you spend. It's the thought that counts. If these people don't appreciate that then this is where I stop buying gifts because what's the point? That is anti-Christmas spirit. You have to lay it on the line here or nothing will change except that you will get into debt. You could be homeless. You are not married so if you need to walk away then you should because you are young and there are plenty of men out there.

Answer 4

Unless you two are pulling your money together to pay for bills and the likes then you really don't have any right to tell him how to spend his money. But...he doesn't have the right to tell you that your gifts are too cheap either! People don't look at price tags...it's just the thought that you bought them a gift. As far as making scarves...i think that's a great idea. i wish I knew how to knit lol.

Answer 5

I completely understand. Go to daveramsey.com
Check it out. You need to buy his book, The total money makeover. You can get the book or you can get it on CD. Right now its only $10
This book changed my entire prospective on how i spend money. I was like your husband i spent and spent and now i have went through a divorce, career change and moved to a different city and i didn't have financial problems at all because i was prepared, due to the advice in the book.
Please check it out I promise you it will be the best investment of you life.
If you want to know more just email me.
Good luck

Answer 6

You two need to get your money issues on the same page - or at least in the same book before you marry! Seriously - you are into a huge issue if you don't. I am not saying your right, not saying he's right -- but right now you are too far apart to say I do.

In addition to achunt's Dave Ramsey recommendation (I totally LOVE Dave!!) I also recommend Financial Peace -- for the BOTH of you!!

Answer 7

Honey, I feel your pain...my fiance spends way too much ALL the time. It's ridiculous. We're in our early 50s, renting a home, with lots of debt and he spends like there's no tomorrow.

Answer 8

the two of you have different money management skills-keep saving despite him-one day he'll thank you-he sounds very superficial

Answer 9

You think 30 per person is expensive? Are you NUTS???? Holidays are the time of giving, not of being CHEAP. Unless you are 12, no one wants your handmade scarf!!! I feel sorry for your boyfriend and hope that he wakes up and finds someone who won't nag him over money like you do. Also, plane tickets aren't THAT much. I just flew cross country last week and it was only 750 for first class, coach is WAY cheaper. Quit whining!!!

Answer 10

If he is the bread winner you can't do anything. If you both work and contribute you should say something.