My wife, after seven years of on and off the bottle, cheating, drug abuse, hospitalizations for everything under the sun, and knowing she had nothing to offer me, gave me a green light to have sex outside of the marriage. Late this past summer, she got clean and began doing very well, and she asked me at that time to forego the green light and to give her another chance. (I gave her a last chance last year/we are only together for the kids and finances) Well, I reluctantly gave in, but as far as I am concerned, since then, she has shown me nothing. She never initiates affection, refuses sex, and is still on an emotional roller coaster, and still plays the victim whenever I give the slightest criticizm. I aam about to tell her just forget the whole thinga nd be friends and turn the green light back on. Don't you agree that if she wants more that its her who has to make the effort? (Believe me, my efforts have been endless)
2007-12-14 05:31:25 · 30 answers · asked by lillegman46 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It sounds like you guys are definitely in need of a divorce. Bringing people into a relationship -- regardless of "permissions" or whatever -- is not the way to to do things.
And staying together "for the kids" is worse on the kids than a filthy, knock-down-drag-out divorce! Do you honestly think that they don't know there are problems??
No, get out now, while you still have your health & sanity.
2007-12-14 05:36:33 · answer #1 · answered by Brutally Honest 7 · 3⤊ 2⤋
Hi Raymond! I hope for your childrens sake that you and your lady stay together through your present crisis. Seven years is a long time to be patient and understanding and I can tell just by reading your letter you still have a lot of affection for her. Relationships are not just built on sex alone, as you quite rightly say affection has to be from both parties and despite her past she should still hold on to what brought you two together. As I'm not in any way familiar with being an expert on marriage guidance I do however know what keeps two people together. You still love your wife and this letter you wrote is a cry for help. Your children need to see you regularly in order for them to understand what love and tolerance is all about between a man and a woman. Resist the urge to seek sexual favors elsewhere as your actions could backfire on you and may jeopardise that trust the children and your wife have for you. The guilt you may feel will weigh heavy on your mind and drive you further apart from your wife despite the 'green light' she's given you to which I can bet she's hoping you don't carry out. You're better than that Ray and I say that with confidence to you my friend in the knowledge that 'love conquers all'. Just think for a moment the effect it would have on your children as a result of you straying, compared to the effect that you did'nt. You and your family Ray have my warmest regards and Good Wishes for Christmas and many more to come!
2007-12-14 06:20:54 · answer #2 · answered by moriartee 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Regardless of what your wife wants, it's clear that there is no way the two of you will have a trusting, loving relationship in the near future. Since you're only staying in this relationship for the kids & the finances, you should take a look at them a little closer. The kids probably know that things aren't great between mom & dad, and it may be making them uncomfortable to see how your relationship with your wife is progressing. It may be better to split up so they can have something more stable. With finances, it won't be easy making things work without the extra income, but you wouldn't be the first person to make it happen. Remove yourself from your relationship with your wife and do what's best for you and your kids.
2007-12-14 05:38:31 · answer #3 · answered by Pooty Pootwell 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋
If you want to give up then your efforts have not, and are not, 'endless'. Go to marriage counseling, and DON'T ever sleep with someone other than your wife. Love her the way you would want to be loved were you behaving as she is. Then stay with her because of how she was before, not for the kids/financed. Treat her like a queen, and don't take her to task for things. Pray for her, and you should go find a good church to get support.
2007-12-14 05:45:37 · answer #4 · answered by timily052602 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
look go out. everybody needs time away, in case you do no longer desire to, it is wonderful, whether it would be good for the youngsters to have an afternoon. it do no longer rely in case you sleep. or go procuring. purchase some tires on your vehicle, get an oil replace. hit up the library. lease a action picture. watch the sport. stir up the grill, play some super music which you haven't any longer heard because of the fact that extreme college. call somebody you haven't any longer considered because of the fact that extreme college, dangle out with a brother or sister. hit up an afternoon bar and grab some grub and doubtless even play a sport of pool. pay attention to the jukebox. you're so busy being the daddy, which you have misplaced touch with the guy. I even have 3 infants. believe me. it is a chore to get out. yet once I do go out. I delight in it. yet while it is over i like it extra. lol..yet our infants would desire to be faraway from us too. this is nice for them to be faraway from the abode. and you could desire to start up thinking. while they pass out, then what? in case you don't get in touch till now they get sufficiently previous to go out, you will have a smash down. i'm hoping you already know. peace,,and that i'm purely attempting that may additionally assist you out. purely think of roughly how briskly the final 15 yrs have long gone. and how previous became into you 15 yrs in the past? and how previous will you be in 15 yrs? we don't stay continuously. in case you don't get out quickly 15 yrs gets faraway from you and you could look back on existence and ask, why did no longer i am going out and do something. now i'm to previous. and that i won't be able to get around like I used to. i'm hoping you already know this. i certainly do.
2016-11-03 06:32:08 · answer #5 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She doesn't owe you anything, and you owe her nothing.
You, hon, need some lessons on how to choose an appropriate wife and mother, since you failed miserably. And you are asking a leopard to change it's spots... oh good. I'm sure your efforts have been endless, and in a way, none of this is your fault. If you are the product of public schools, we don't teach you guys any life skills...... least of all, how to shop for an appropriate partner, how to budget money, and how to parent children should you choose to be one, and how to decide that just because you can sire a child, ought you?????
You and she are indeed trapped.... as my dad once said, "A divorce is a wonderful thing if you can afford it." Apparently you can't. Now each of you needs to step to the plate, and be parents to kids who never asked to be born, and given the history of what you have written about this marriage, it will indeedy be tuff.....
2007-12-14 05:39:35 · answer #6 · answered by April 6 · 3⤊ 2⤋
She has been through a rollcoaster it sounds like like you have. I know that you seem like a very patient and forgiving guy and I commend you for sticking through your marraige when most would leave. But just be patient a little longer . I believe , i wouldn't know but believe someone that is fighting to stay drug and alchol free is going to need time. She is fighting to save your marriage and herself and you should be proud of her. Just be there for her. I know this sounds grotesque (sorry for spelling not sure on the word) but anyway if you have to use your hand for a bit till she works through this and go to counseling with her. The counselor will help her to open up in that area. Good luck. She is lucky to have you there so long and working through this.
2007-12-14 05:38:50 · answer #7 · answered by youcandoit 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Allowing you to go outside of your marriage is a sign of trouble, on both your parts. First you agreed to go outside of your marriage so perhaps your not as emotionally invested in your wife as you think you are. Obviously she's had problems but your job as a husband is to love, support, and help your wife, not tell her to clean her act up and until she does go bump uglies with the hottie next door.
I would suggest that if you want to save your marriage you make it a joint effort, forgo the outside sex and seek marriage counciling.
You need to look at yourself in the mirror and ask if you still love your wife...if you do...make it work and put fourth 150% effort. If you don't then you need to seperate, come to a mutual agreement about your children and finances and be off to find someone you can love. The fact is being in a loveless marriage is probably taking a heavier toll on your children then you realize, not to mention they probably know of your affairs already.
2007-12-14 05:37:51 · answer #8 · answered by w_woody 3 · 3⤊ 2⤋
You two sound like a hopeless case. But think about the kids. Don't be naive enough to think they don't know what's going on. Get your heads out of your selfish butts and do what's right for the kids. Decide which of you would be the least harmful to the kids, take them and split up. The one who gets them will need child support. Plus they'll need a lot of counseling to start realizing they're not to blame for having such lousy parents. Wake up!
2007-12-14 05:52:05 · answer #9 · answered by Dame Edna 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
The woman is still in recovery, and you need affection. It doesn't sound like she is actually capable of being functional right now, probably depressed. The two of you need to talk and work out some compromise, or end it once and for all, before any more hurt arises in this relationship.
2007-12-14 05:46:54 · answer #10 · answered by Sun is Shining ❂ 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋