my friend who abused me mentally and sexually treats his family and girl friend really nice. (we are not in contact anymore since the assault, we have known each other for 15 years.)
I really cannot understand. He seems to be an ideal son and boyfriend. To them, he is perfect.
what is going on? he thinks that i am very nice to him. So, i do not really see why he only maltreats me. Basically, he treats me like an object more than a human. He never cares about my feeling.
what is going on? will him do anything as bad to anyone else?
2007-12-14 03:10:10 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
You allow him to treat you this way
If you didn't then he couldn't
He cant be perfect, it must just appear that way to you on the outside. Anyone who is capable of abusing one person is capable of abusing anyone. They probably just wont tolerate what you did from him.
People only treat you how you allow them to treat you
Don't allow anyone to do it to you again. Once they start - get out of the relationship
2007-12-14 03:14:41 · answer #1 · answered by ? Planet 80's ? 4 · 5⤊ 3⤋
To answer your first question - yes, absolutely, men are often 'perfect' boyfriends, and after marriage change rather quickly, it is thought t o be a result of:
Manipulation - they know that they are more likely to get a wife if they are nice to her at first;
There is an idea (still thought of as a good one by some unfortunately) that marriage is the ownership of a woman by a man, and so he behaves like she is property rather than a person;
He is a seriously damaged individual for whom marriage triggers off a negative response.
Or it could be all of these, and more besides.
On to you personally - it is unlikely that he will never abuse anyone else, but you may never find out about it - it is amazing the secrets people keep. Also, it is POSSIBLE, but unlikely, that he will only abuse you - obviously someone you need to stay away from in either case as he is NOT going to change!
2007-12-14 03:22:37 · answer #2 · answered by Ellesar 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As Planet 80s said, which was absolutely correct, he mistreated you because you allowed yourself to be mistreated.
Now, I'm not NOT NOT putting the blame on you, the victim, in any way, shape or form. No one can control what someone else does. However, once that very first incidence of abuse happened, you had complete control to cease all contact with him and never let him abuse you again. If you stayed after that first instance of abuse, you basically told him "it's okay, you can do whatever you want and I'll put up with it" and in essence gave him the green light.
There's no need to ponder how/if/why he treats others. I can understand your need to wonder if his treatment of you was unique, but it serves no purpose. It will only drive you batty. There's no relationship between the two of you now (or there shouldn't be) so it really doesn't matter. He has a girlfriend, and if he treats her nicely then she's probably put her foot down and refused to accept anything less, and he probably cares for her enough to behave himself.
Treat this as a lesson for how you conduct your future relationships. Love, honor, and respect YOURSELF and insist on the same from those around you. And part of that is choosing not to associate with those who WON'T do the same.
Best wishes, I hope this helps.
2007-12-14 03:24:35 · answer #3 · answered by kyeri y 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The question should be "Why would allow someone to treat you this way?"
This man is not perfect, just like the man who "suddenly" gets abusive after you've been dating him a while. He's always been that way, you just refused to see the red flags.
Please don't even think about marrying this man, or even staying "friends" with him. The leopard does not change his spots, as they say. He will not change...you can only change yourself.
2007-12-14 03:27:43 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
What Planet 80s said and also, no, an ideal man would not be abusive before or after marriage. If and when he is no longer allowed to abuse you, he will find another target.
Here's a question - he's SEXUALLY abused you and you're still friends?!? Honey, you need help.
2007-12-14 03:17:26 · answer #5 · answered by suzanne g 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
My ex used to be like this, He would treat me like crap and then when he was with his friends and family he was nice, even to me in front of them. The doors to our home used to shut then the abuse would start.
They are sick individuals who only bully those closest. They will die sad lonely old men and the bet thing for you would to have nothing at all to do with this person ever again.
You will end up a stronger person over time because of this but he will just do this to the next girl and the next till one day he will end up in prison with the worst being murder.
2007-12-14 03:17:31 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
ok so you haven't talked to him for a long time right? but in my eyes, someone who abuses will always be that way. most people are not themselves around "new" people in their lives. after a while stuff can happen. sure she hasn't pissed him off now but it could happen. but instead of feeling like you got the shaft, you should be thankful that he has possibly changed and that no one will ever have to go thru what you went thru. It shouldn't be "poor me", i deserved better, why did she get what i wanted. He wasn't the one for you, obviously. If she is and he doesn't hurt her, you should be thankful for that. We don't need more abusers in the world.
2007-12-14 03:21:18 · answer #7 · answered by *<3_Gizmo* 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He cannot be your friend. He may be forcing himself to be nice and then using you as an object to vent his frustration and anger onto. You must alert his family and his girlfriend to what he has done, because, people can't pretend forever, he may start on them soon because you've stopped his abusive behaviour.
2007-12-14 03:29:22 · answer #8 · answered by Gothic Princess 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
once abusive always abusive. my ex showed everyone that he was ideal husband and father yet behind closed doors he abused me mentally for years, i never realised at first until i started work for a large company and saw that other people did not think i was useless and stupid.
2007-12-14 03:19:11 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
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2016-11-26 23:17:45 · answer #10 · answered by mehaffey 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋