Second best?

Question

Do you think a woman should never settle for second best when she is looking for a partner?

I was really in love with a guy for 5 months. We got on great together except for the fact that he lied to me for two months that he had been married before and had two children. He is only 29 and his children are 2 and 9 years old. He never loved his wife but just married her because she fell pregnant.

However, even though he treated me very well I got fed up with the situation. He had to drop out of college to work when she got pregnant so he has no money. I was paying for most of the bills when I was with him.

His ex-wife was getting his daughter to find out how much I earned and kept asking his daughter to buy things for her. I felt used!! On top of all that his children were being abused and locked in their rooms for hours on end.

The little boy of nearly 3 has been traumatised and only can't speak and the little girl is seeing a psychologist for behavioral problems.

Do you think I did the right thing to leave him?

I had lots of choice when I was in my 20s and dated some fabulous men but at that time I didn't want anything serious or settle down. But it is difficult to find someone decent now that I am 34. But I won't date again for a while until I find exactly what I am looking for. I am not extremely educated. I just have a degree but at the moment I am studying for a Masters. I own a gorgeous home in a good area of town. He had nothing, half my salary, minimum wage, baggage (children), and he didn't want to try to improve himself by going back to college.

He works as a postman. So do you think this man is not for me, he has too much baggage? Would you be happy paying for a man all the time? I want to have my own children, if I stayed with him I would end up paying for him, me, his children ....

When I met him he was separated and not living with her so I didn't go off with a married man. She told me herself when I went to collect the children one evening that she trapped him by becoming pregnant on purpose. She is manic-depressive, takes drugs and is totally crazy. I feel sorry for the children.

He is good to his children. It was his wife who was abusing them.

He married her after only knowing her for 4 months. She was pregnant and he wanted to stick around for his child. He never loved his wife. She told me herslef.

Answer 1

You were not in love with him, you were in love with who you thought he was. Once you found out who he was, a liar, cheat, and not very successful financially the mirage was shattered. Don't now try to convince yourself that he is still that other guy that you loved --- he's not. Why would you even consider "settling" for that --- do you want to pretend the whole rest of your life?

My advice is move on.

Answer 2

I just wrote you a huge answer...then my session expired, and I lost it all, so now I'll make it short and sweet...
First of all, it's dangerous to hold out for the "better" one...that's kind of a Hollywood thing. If someone gets it in their head that there's always someone better out there, than it can ruin even the best relationship.
It seems this man is the victim here...he kept a secret from you because the situation was so messed up, he wanted you to give him a fair shot.
It doesn't really matter how the first marriage ended, but that he got out. He deserves to find happiness...he shouldn't have to pay for having done the honorable thing (marrying her)...at 20 years old...the guy was just a kid himself.
I'm married to someone who has kids- had the first when he was 20, and we're also dealing with a crazy ex-wife.
First thing you have to do is ask yourself: "Did I really love him?" If so then the second question: "Did he say he'd like kids in the future?" You have to get answers to these first...if he doesn't want kids, then don't go back. It's not fair to you- you do want kids of your own right? Let me tell you something from personal experience: If you want him...you must chose to want his kids too. If you can't accept them, it will never work. These poor kids are going through enough (have you reported the abuse?). They don't need to come to another home and feel unwanted. It sounds like you have a very generous heart...within 5 months you were picking them up, paying the bills...etc. If you try again at the relationship, keep your money separate for as long as it takes. Distance yourself from his problems...but be supportive.
Don't let this crazy ex ruin everyone's life...she sounds miserable! Realize what a blessing you can be in this man's life...and what his kids can bring to yours.

Answer 3

The situation you describe isn't settling for second best, it is participating in, enabling, and perpetrating evil. And no, I am not exaggerating. You not only did right by leaving him, you did the only thing a person with any moral values would have done (if they started the relationship in the first place). The only thing I am trying to figure out is what took you three months!

That said, everybody has to settle for second best when they are looking for a partner. But settling for second best means that you find someone who loves you, is kind and a good fit, has good values that match yours, and similar beliefs. You discover you are settling for second best when you are dating, and find out he isn't perfect. Then you get married and find out he leaves the cap off the toothpaste, a problem you solve by buying flip-top cap toothpaste, or leaves the seat up after using the toilet, or snores, or something else that will annoy you until you die, but isn't a divorceable offence. It does not mean you tolerate frequent drunkenness, abuse of you or your children or other people. It doesn't mean you tolerate him sleeping around, or never being able to hold down a job or lying.

He didn't never love his wife - love is a verb - it is something that you DO for someone, not something that you feel. If he married her, he presumably promised to love her and put her above all others, he didn't hold up his end of the bargain, and certainly didn't choose her above all others. The reason this bum has no money isn't because he dropped out of college to support the woman he refuses to love but was willing to have sex with, it is because he is a selfish, abusive turd. You felt used because you were being used, because this guy you were hooked up with is a user.

So, congratulations on escaping! The life his wife has could have been yours for only a few more lapses in judgement and morality!

Answer 4

You absolutely, without a doubt did the right thing. The deception in and of itself would have been a deal-breaker for me, not to mention the resentment that would build up over time as you support his family.

Money should not be a driving force in a relationship but, its important that both partners are on an even playing field when it comes to matters of money.

Don't second guess your decision, it was the right one. You sound like a great person that has alot to offer, never settle just because someone is nice. Good luck.

Answer 5

No a woman should never settle for second best that would put her in the same category as the guy you described and women are better than that!!! So don't settle! A good man and a true love are out there waiting to meet you! You will only meet him if you are free!!

Sounds like you have made up your mind to stay! You keep making excuses and you don't need to give us excuses! We would never know you stayed with him!!!

Answer 6

All that and he is still second best? How sad. Lets see, he used you, mooched off you, and abused your kids and you are still considering him? It seems your priorities may be out of whack.

Answer 7

um defintly never settle for second best set out for the perfect person for u

Answer 8

I wouldn't be with him, but not for all the paragraphs you wrote, but because he lied about being married....and she didn't just fall pregnant,.......

Answer 9

why did you date a man that was married? why did you date a man that was abusive to his children?

Answer 10

Welcome to yours> mine & ours>Sounds like a movie> Not my idea of fun>Rethink the drama is it worth it>Not once did you say anything about you>Alway her and his>????