My husband and I have two beautiful children ages 5 and 2. My youngest will be 3 this month. It seems that since the birth of my 3 year old I have totally lost my sex drive. We have had sex about 4 times in the last 3 years. My husband is very understanding and we have been to counselors, I have had tests run and my doctor says I am a healthy 31 year old diabetic.
I was molested by a family member twice when I was 10 years old and I don't know if that has anything to do with it or not. My husband is the first guy I have had sex with.
I have told my husband that maybe he should divorce me and find someone who can give him the sex he needs. He tells me don't be ridiculous and that marriage isn't all about sex.
Please serious responses only. Is there something I can take or do to increase my sex drive. I find my husband attractive but just hate the thought of sex. I don't know why.
2007-12-14 02:41:28 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The best thing you can do is to go to a therapist by yourself. You need to work on your issues with sex.
As far as losing your husband is concerned, that is not likely. I know a couple that never have sex. Neither of them have any sex drive and yet they are one of the closest couples that I know.
Take care,
Troy
2007-12-14 02:47:09 · answer #1 · answered by tiuliucci 6 · 4⤊ 2⤋
It sounds like your husband has a healthy attitude toward it. I would continue counseling and do trust-building exercises ...molestation is a terrible thing to try to get over and it effects so many aspects of your life and trust is a major thing you need to feel sexual toward your partner.
You also have young children. Most couples with young children are burning the candle at both ends. Not exactly romantic! You're both going to be tired, and your concentration is stretched too thin. You're also in a pretty new phase of your roles as parents...which can be confusing as far as where do I stop being "mommy" and start being "wife" again?
I have a really hard time with that one! When my fiance and I first got together, I wouldn't even hug or kiss him in front of his son...for like 3-4 years...for the whole weekend! We finally had a talk about it and now I'm more affectionate because we think it's important for him to see healthy displays of affection...but I still can't have sex while he's in the house! I don't know what I'd do if we had him for longer than a week at a time.
As the woman and (usually) the care-giver you often get overloaded with touch and affection to and from your children all day, so you don't need it or want it from anyone else when the hubby comes home. You're also usually exhausted mentally and physically after a day with kids...so that's a pretty common thing for moms with young kids.
You need to be able to relax, unwind, spend some adult couple time together. (and some time alone with yourself!) Try to set-aside time (maybe an hour) every night where you are only concentrating on each other. And maybe one day a week where you pawn-off the kids and go get a manicure or walk in the park. After the kids go to bed (even if they have to go an hour earlier than usual), or some time where you can have about an hour each night or day to spend with each other. Turn off the TV, have some wine and/or a nice dinner, light candles, turn on some music, and just talk. If it goes somewhere, great, but for now, just talk and get back in-touch with each other again. That will build trust and give you the adult time you need to be a couple.
That's my advice anyway.
2007-12-14 03:06:54 · answer #2 · answered by Angela H 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you have a wonderful husband...a great family...and some issues....the past molestation I am sure is a symptom, but not necessarily THE problem since you don't say that you have always hated sex w/ your husband..
I too was molested, but it sure hasn't affected me.
Having kids is a tuff job...and hard on your not just your body, but on your mind as well.
In the back of your brain you well could be putting sex=more children, and THAT can put ya off as well. You don't mention that you use a form of BC, so I would tend to think that might have something to do as well in your attitude....also, and of course talking to a counselor isn't just a one time deal.
If your husband isn't worried, then try to relax...Try to just ENJOY him....enjoy being held.....enjoy cuddling....and you might find that you just need to relax a bit.
You are tired...you are worried, you are stressing.
Having to live w/ diabetes can affect you as well.
Read the book 'Inside My Heart, Choosing To Live With Passion And Purpose' by Robin McGraw.
Give yourself a break, and one strong word of advice, NEVER again say to your husband that he should get a divorce from you for the lack of sex....it implies that he is only interested in you for that, when he obviously is NOT, and that is an insult to him and his character.
2007-12-14 03:18:32 · answer #3 · answered by Tira A 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your diabetic meds might have something to do with it, or the fact that you have two kids under 5. I doubt if your childhood history has as much to do with it as sheer exhaustion.
If you really feel you are well rested, and most parents aren't, then see a sexual therapist. However before you go to that expense, send the kids off to grandma's (or anyone you trust) for the weekend and do what I call the "Nap Weekend".
Either go away to somewhere private, with no phones, or just stay at home and tell everyone you are out of town. Spend the weekend with your husband. Don't do anything around the house, don't talk to anyone else, and stay off the computer. The goal is to nap off and on in between getting reconnected. There doesn't have to be any sex at all, and its preferable to not have any intercourse at least. Bathe or shower together, eat fun or exotic foods, read together, read to each other, give massages, talk about each other(no kid or work talk), if you are religious, pray. Otherwise meditate. Sleep, eat, play, talk, be silent together.
At the end of the weekend you will know if you need professional help, then seek it if you need it.
2007-12-14 03:02:26 · answer #4 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is SOOOO common! I have four children and the same thing happened to me when I had my children. I don't know why, no doctor could ever figure it out. After doing some research and talking to other women, I found out that it happens to a lot of us. The only answer I ever came up with is that it is probably hormonal, and that it would get better over time.
I'm happy to say, it has gotten better. I will tell you that I found that the more I got the more I wanted. There were many times that I had to force myself to do it, but eventually I looked forward to it.
I think part of it is a result of exhaustion also. Chasing children all day can be taxing! I'm sure you are very busy and when evening comes and you and your husband get the kids to bed, you just want to clapse of the couch and don't want ANYONE touching you or asking you to do something for them! That is how I felt. The act of sex became a chore and when all I wanted was sleep, the idea of it became overwhelming!
Suggestions......find some time for yourself throughout the day! Get a sitter for the kids and go get a massage or a manicure. Pamper yourself! Allow yourself to feel sexy again! Wiping butts and noses all day can suck the sexy right out of you!! When they are napping, you nap! Find time to spend with your husband, just the two of you. Go out to dinner on the weekends (date night). Really focus on your husband! Change the way you think about sex! Instead of thinking "Oh crap! Is he gonna want sex tonight?" Think "I can't wait until he gets home tonight!" Don't put so much thought into the act of sex, just be intimate. The cuddling and touching may lead to sex, but if it doesn't, don't put pressure on yourself!
You have a very understanding, loving husband. Remind yourself of how lucky you are! Stay away from any negative thoughts...alway try to make them positive! It will get better!!
Before you know it, you will want it ALL the time!
2007-12-14 02:59:17 · answer #5 · answered by Kailey 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well there are medications for women to take but unfortunately you don't need medication .. you have some deep rooted issues that need to be dealt with first .. and it is not going to be easy!! You need to see a counselor ... on your own and together!
You need to get past the thoughts that sex is bad and you need to remember that what happened to you was NOT your fault and you did not have a choice. You have the choice now .. and it should be magical because you two love one another!! I have been where you are ... had a horrible experience ... went to counseling and now I am ok.
He sounds like a wonderful and supportive husband and he will be there for you through all this! Try to get yourself ok ... and then you can truly appreciate and cherish your love with your husband ... and even the love making!
Good luck to you and I wish you and your family the best!
2007-12-14 03:01:40 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It could be because you are diabetic and also if you are taking medication for this, it reduces your sex drive. You need to find other ways to sexual arouse you, whether pictures or videos. Don't give up, find the appropriate doctor to discus these issues with, Or doctor seems as to not have really researched and therefore did not answer your question to your advantage. Something is reducing your sex drive, you need to find out what it is. I know I have heard of a prescription drug that can enhance a woman's sexual desire just as viagra does for a man, just do not know the name of it. Perhaps you can do some research on this. Sex is am important part of marriage and I do not blame you for your concern. Research and get the help you need. Best of luck to you!
2007-12-14 03:27:04 · answer #7 · answered by pictureshygirl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've been there! I would just grin and bare it, but I wouldn't recommend it. My husband and I got into it all the time because he felt I didn't love him anymore, because he thinks sex is love. Where as I, don't look at sex in that way.
Are you on Birth Control? My husband got a vasectomy and I got off my B.C and am doing much better now. The doctor told me it was a normal side effect to lose you sex drive. What about going to a naturalist doctor and seeing if there is anything that will boost your sex drive. That was going to be my next stop if getting of the B.C didn't help!
I wish I had better advice for you. It does sound like you have a great husband that is with you for better or worse!
2007-12-14 02:49:51 · answer #8 · answered by Kelly P 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Welllll...I can't really say much because I have a boyfriend as opposed to a husband and I've only been with him for nearly 7 months and he is 19 and I am 18 as opposed to however old you are. Anyway...the thing that your husband and my boyfriend have in common is working...a lot. My bf is a workaholic...19 sounds young but he works in IT and has two small business things and works his butt off because he has this ridiculous and insane drive for working. Unfortunately emotionally he isn't really in control or understanding of his emotions and at times it's almost to the point of abuse which is never ok, however lately he's been extremely bad and one night we finally had a long conversation about him being stressed because his businesses are not going very well at all and he's worried that he's going to lose a lot of money. He has wealth also as the object to achieve in his mind... Anyway, perhaps the reason why your husband totally shuts down is because he works 6 days a week, and with the economy going sour he is probably worried about his own job, and supporting you, and your baby(ies?)... In fact this is interesting, it's in a way a very similar story, my bf has been extremely difficult about me getting a job, pressuring me to the extreme to find one. You are pregnant though and I'm not. It isn't very supportive of him to not understand how physically and mentally stressful being pregnant is, though I believe a lot of women can work up right until the eighth(?) month or so before their babies are due. Perhaps not in your case but if you can do housework comfortably then you probably can perhaps just find a retail job somewhere near to you. I know it's extremely unfair for him to be so uncaring while you are pregnant and probably tired out of your brain though if you've ever been in his situation, it feels like he's doing all the work and you're just taking all the money cause it's convenient. I know thats an unfair thought, you're pregnant and you look after him, getting him ready for work and doing housework etc but thats probably what he thinks. Have you discussed whats going to happen after the baby is born? Are you going to be a stay-at-home mum, is he going to be the stay-at-home dad, are you going to have a babysitter? Whatever way it is, it's going to mean money has to be saved/spent somewhere, if you both work and you have a babysitter, you have to pay for the babysitter. If you stay at home with the baby, then you will be in the same situation you are now except with the baby out in the world, and he will have to support the whole family without fail, which puts more pressure on him. The fact that you've lost your job and you still have potentially a few more months when you could earn money puts more pressure on him and your savings. If he stays at home with the baby, that means he would have to quit his job, and if you don't have a job, where's the money going to come from? In any case...for his sake...just apply to work at some low-key easy going retail shops, cafes or restaurants...just anything that will not stress you out too much. I wish you lots of luck, don't stress out too much, try to see it from his point of view though...he is the one working 6 days and trying to support himself and you and your baby I assume... :) Just give him some space and if you decide to apply for some easy going jobs then let him know and hopefully he will come back to you. PS. Sorry my post was so ridiculously long...just had to say it all, haha.
2016-05-23 22:33:58 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, three cheers for your husband for acknowledging there's a lot more to a committed relationship than sex.
And good for you for recognizing there's something up for you, and keeping an eye on your marriage.
Beware of the potions and nostrums out there for increasing libido. Sexual interest has attracted more charlatans across the centuries than anything else. A good diet, a decent night's sleep, and a multivitamin will do more for you than some ground up root.
If you "just hate the thought of sex" it sounds like there is something very serious up for you. The good news is that sex is almost entirely between your ears, so you can control what's happening. You just have to find a way. There are a number of good self-discovery courses out there. One of my favorites is the More To Life program (www.moretolife.org)
Meanwhile, you can add some fun to your life with your husband that doesn't involve sex. Take showers together, use conditioner and your hands to get him off (it'll relieve the 'pressure' for him). Buy something that buzzes and occasionally give yourself pleasure (it'll keep your physical 'motor' running).
And, relax - take the pressure off yourself. Hubby is sticking around. Be grateful for that, and encourage it.
2007-12-14 02:55:10 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I guess I really don't understand questions like this because how hard is it to spread your legs and let him do what he has to do? That sounds harsh maybe but come on. There are times I dont' feel like it either, like at 4:30 in the morning, but I do it anyway and after a few minutes I begin to enjoy it. It makes our husbands very happy and releases endorphins in everyone's brains. I'm sorry you were molested when you were ten, that was a long time ago and seek therapy to help deal with those issues if they have not been resolved. But if you are witholding sex from your husband, he will eventually stray, unless he has zero drive as well. My husband would never go three years without sex, and nor would I!!!!! Good luck.
2007-12-14 02:50:07 · answer #11 · answered by Brittney 6 · 3⤊ 2⤋