He's been divorced for almost 2 yrs (she left him) - she had a boyfriend over the summer but now that she's ended that relationship, she calls her ex (my boyfriend) to invite him for dinner - their kids are with her and she says she's made "too much" food. He luckily doesn't want to go and knows this bothers me. He has 50/50 custody so he sees his kids a lot so I know it isn't for that reason. She also makes excuses for being at his house - example: his house is 1 mile from where she works and she lives 2 miles from him - yet she asked if she could stop by his house (they had a mtg at kid's school later on) and take a nap b4 they left for the mtg. He said no - but am I making a big deal out this? It isn't like she lives that far from where she works and couldn't go home to take a nap. What do you think is going on w/ her. I don't think it's b/c she wants him back & I know he doesn't want her. Why then would she be acting like this? Am I overreacting??
2007-12-14 02:33:45 · 35 answers · asked by singlevtmom 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
She's making a play for him. Her boy toy is gone so now she wants him back because he was comfortable and it's easier for her to be in a relationship. As long as he is firm with her and doesn't give in, you'll be fine but she is definitely overstepping the bounds of an ex wife.
2007-12-14 02:37:39 · answer #1 · answered by LB 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
If she were inviting YOU, too, then I can see that maybe she is trying to give the kids a sense of a unified family. That can be really good for the kids when everyone is friendly and civil and can sit down at the table and break-bread together. It's wonderful if a couple (and their new mates) can do this, but very rare...and if their new significant others are not totally on-board with the idea, it can be disastrous to those relationships.
Her new breakup may have left her feeling lonely and longing for what she had with your bf. Since she's not inviting you along, I would say that she is trying to see if he is still interested in her...at the least. Especially since he is her baby's daddy...that's a strong bond for a woman and she may be afraid to lose that...even if she's not really interested in getting back together with him.
I feel like your boyfriend is responding appropriately. I know plenty of men that are still at the beck-and-call of their ex and would say yes to everything...and lose their current relationship for it. So, as long as he's on the same page as you, then I wouldn't worry about it. If she persists, or he starts to waiver, then I would talk to him and tell him to either go back to her or tell her to back-off a little.
I know exactly how you feel!
2007-12-14 02:51:49 · answer #2 · answered by Angela H 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's fair that you and he talk about it and you make it clear that you are 100% 'in' with your relationship and that's what you want from him, too.
The rub here is that he has kids and responsibility for his kids. His life will always be tied to hers because they both have to parent these kids, and they have to cooperate to do it effectively. So, it's going to work the best for the kids if everybody involved (you, too) gets along well.
But that doesn't involve naps at her house, or dinner with the kids more often than once in a while.
2007-12-14 02:41:35 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Continue to reinforce to your man how thankful you are that he's such an honest person. Then tell him that her behavior is making you uncomfortable, and that you know HE has nothing to do with it. She's trying to win him back in little ways, she's being shifty about it, too. It doesn't matter what is going on with her, you need to stop trying to figure that out. What you need to focus on is not allowing her behavior to intrude into your relationship. Your man may have to step up his "I don't want you anymore" attitude with her, but you can't nag him into it. Like, when she called to see if she could take a nap at his house-his answer shoulda been "are you for real? NO WAY" But, it probably wasn't. Point being, if he is direct with her, she'll stop, but he is in control of that, not you. Best advice is that you continue to treat him good, keep your eyes open about his ex, and keep your boundaries in place. If he starts asking you to give in to her nuttiness, "its no big deal" if she comes around or any form of encouragement to her, Don't overreact-just be firm and let him know that your life with him should not include her beyond the children. But, yeah, she's up to no good......
PS-decide if this man is someone you believe you will be married to. Because if you aren't sure, then you shouldn't be too involved with his children-that's a separate matter from the You/Him/Her situation you go going on, but an important thing to think about-whenever there are children involved, bf/gf should be real careful about their interactions with the kids!
2007-12-14 02:49:17 · answer #4 · answered by Daisy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
They have kids together so since they are no longer together like as in husband and wife they are still partners...co parents. They need to be friends (or at least civil) and sometimes that may entail dinner and other outings. It is healthy for the kids to see this positive interactions between their parents. I'd say that you are definatley over reacting. You posted that you KNOW he doesn't want her and your pretty sure she doesn't want him, so let it go... Why pput yourself threw unnecessary stress and worry. They are parents to the same children and that is all...
Good Luck!
2007-12-14 07:02:19 · answer #5 · answered by busymum 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I could understand how this would bother you but, it seems as if your boyfriend is doing a good job dealing with her...In all reality, its his place to let her know whats unacceptable and what is...It seems like he respect you and your relationship together for this not to be an issue so if I was you I would continue allowing him to do what he has been doing...You don't want to get involve or be in the middle because you don't want to create stress between you two...Have faith in one another and support him and things we will fine...Best wishes and don't worry too much about it...He loves you and that is what counts the most....
2007-12-14 05:09:06 · answer #6 · answered by Yvette D 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let me know what you find out -
My boyfriend's ex is evil to him one day, but nice the next - having him over for dinner one night when the week before she was screaming at him what a loser he is. Then he has the audacity to ask me if I want him gone because I am "being mean" to him and she is being nice. I had quite a few choice words that morning.
I don't think you are overreacting. Just because she knows he doesn't want her doesn't mean that she doesn't want him. My bf's ex flat out told me (one of the 3 times she needlessly called me) that she doesn't want him back, but apparently has other words for him....
2007-12-14 02:39:51 · answer #7 · answered by IJToomer 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like she's having second thoughts about the divorce. I know you care for him, but honestly, if they were to reconcile, that would really be the best thing for his kids, etc. I would not encourage you to stand in the way of that.
Still, what she is doing is trying to get him back by guile, which isn't good, and he can apparently see that. If her intentions were platonic, she would have invited him and you over. He's apparently not interested in starting things up with her again, so you really don't have much to worry about. If she comes up with an excuse (we need to talk about one of the kids, etc.), and he does want to go over, he can say "we will be over" and bring you with him. If it is an excuse, her designs will fall apart pretty quickly.
2007-12-14 02:43:54 · answer #8 · answered by Damocles 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk to your boyfriend, not us.
Brutally honest communication is the cornerstone of all successfull relationships. Explain to your boyfriend what you told us. Set some boundries TOGETHER that you both agree on, and limit the time that you have to deal with the ex. If you go to dinner with her, go as a couple, and go to a neutral site...:-)
IF she calls hand the phone to the kids, deal with as much as you can via e-mail. Don't sit by her at athletic events, plays, etc... And for sure don't invite her over for NAPS!!! :-)
Make your relationship with your boyfriend your number one priority and it will all work out.
Good luck!!!
2007-12-14 02:48:02 · answer #9 · answered by flyfish_777 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ya, it would bother me. She's regreting leaving him. She does want him back I see no doubt in that. If she didn't then she would be inviting u to dinner too not just him. Even though they have kids any conversation should be limited to just that, the kids and nothing else. She shouldn't be calling for no other reason.
2007-12-14 02:40:46 · answer #10 · answered by ♥Gotta Luv Pure Evil ♥ 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am thinking that she wants to rekindle the relationship. As long as he keeps telling her 'no', then you have nothing to worry about (not much you can do about her asking). Because they have kids together and if you marry this guy, you are going to have to deal with her forever, so you may as well get used to it.
2007-12-14 02:39:22 · answer #11 · answered by Jo 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋