2 years and still not emotionally free?

Question

Okay, here's some details: he waltzed in one Fri night and announced he was "leaving the relationship." After I picked my jaw up off the floor, he left and started moving his stuff out of the house that weekend. That was March 2004. Oct would've been our 19th anniversary. I'll call him "Glen."

Now it's almost 2008 and I still miss him. I'm in another relationship with an incredible man, James. He and I are really more compatable than Glen and I were. I'm happy and doing well except that I'm very in touch with a part of me that still misses Glen.

Of course I would never go back to Glen, not even if he asked me. But I some days I miss him all day long, and have these stinkin sweet dreams about him at night.

I'm afraid I'm not being "really present" to my current relationship because this part of me can't let go of my ex. Should I be completely over him by now, i.e. no poignant dreams at night and no achy feeling in my heart when I think about him?

Do I need to give it more time and not worry about not healing fast enough?

Friends give me conflicting advice, from "Just get over him already" (not very helpful advice) to "Give it all the time you need." So I thought I'd open it up to a wider audience. Thanks in advance for your advice.

Yes, sorry, I thought it was plain. I am a gay man and Glen and James are also gay men. Sorry for any confusion.

Answer 1

Consider that it may NOT be about Glen - though I don't discount a painful karmic connection of some kind - but it may be the excruciating "abandonment" part of the story. The shock of the experience is embedded electrochemically and it needs to be dealt with rather than dissociated.

Usually these events replicate something from your past that you need to identify and validate - or the painful 'angst' will NOT go away. Remember when you felt this kind of pain before. Your feelings in the original experience need to be validated and reframed, i.e. YOU were not the cause.

Answer 2

A bad breakup is similiar to a death in many ways...the healing process is fixed with the same mixed emotions, anger, grieve, closure, etc...It is also similiar to a death because u are saying goodbye (most times forever) to that person, 1 years, 2 years, 10 years, it gets easier, maybe doesnt go away fully but becomes "livable" Perhaps you didnt get the closure you need...is contacting him an option? Sometimes we tend to "romance" the idea of an ex, but when faced with reality (seeing him again) we get a slap in the face, like YYYYYY was i all consumed with this person hes not THAT great (ie balding, gained weight, emotionally unavailabe) if they act like an *** its even better. And maybe not the BEST advice but meeting other people. getting into another relationship, occupying your mind does HELP, not HEAL, HELPS. Sweetie, everyone is looking for that majic pill to make the hurt go away, (if u do this and this , BAM! ull be fine!) but sadly, that is not the case with broken hearts, time will be your best friend in this, the more time passes, the easier it will become (trust me) and no one can STOP time...do not put a marker on it...well its been 2 years and 4 days i should be over it! You mind, body and spirit need to "process" all the emotions and begin learning to live without them, let it take as much time as needed....good luck :)

Answer 3

Gay really doesn't have anything to do with it. You feel, you breathe, you fall in love, you cry, you hurt, and you're human like the rest of us. This man "Glen" was a huge part of your life for a very long time and he will always be there in the background - as someone more than just a benevolent spirit. Have you gone to therapy recently? Perhaps the right therapist can help you feel safe enough to get to the bottom of why you're not letting go of it enough to move forward in your present relationship. Please don't settle for mediocre. Not all therapists are equal.

Answer 4

Glen is perfect because your not in love with him so I am sure your keeping him on his toes.
I think you got into a relationship to soon without getting over your husband.
I hate to say this too you but really I heard this one time that it takes half the time to get over a relationship that you where together.
I know for me it was almost that it took me five years to get over my divorce. And I am the one that left.

That is hurt that will not go away it is hard to deal with.
Keep glen around he keeps your mind busy if you where alone you would be more misserable.
Your husband I would say it is over my experience men don't leave women are usually the ones who are fed up.
So he must have been thinking about it for a long time.
Usually there decision is final unless he is very insecure and gets dumped by his new girl.
Please try to move on with your life it does get better.
I was married 14 years
I can say THANKS GOD I am over him!

GOOD LUCK!

Answer 5

It sounds to me like you missing Glen is all about this: every relationship you're in, the other party satisfies individual needs of yours according to their personality. What your current partner satisfies for you sounds like it's making you happy. But there's some one need of yours that Glen satisfied for you that maybe your current partner isn't or isn't completely. That's what you're missing about Glen. Not Glen himself. Figure out what he did for you that James isn't, and then talk to James about it and tell him that's what you need from him. Then you should stop missing Glen. That's what i would asuggest. Oh yeah, BTW, i got the gay part right off the hop. Some people are just a little slow off the mark. Sometimes our biases, no matter how hard we try to transcend them, creep up and prevent us from seeing clearly immediately. You have nothing to apologize for.

Answer 6

Honey it doesn't sound like it's the person you miss but rather the relationship. You're still wondering "what if?" about it because somewhere there are a few dreams you had with him that never got to come true. To simply say "get over it" isn't going to help but I can say that you should find these unclosed chapters and try to complete them with James. Let him fill the emptiness. Good luck sweetie, I wish you the best.

Answer 7

AS you said you are not being there with your new man and that is not fair ,he will eventually feel it and will start to back off, is your ex worth losing him?
TRY TO THINK OF ALL THE BAD STUFF ABOUT HIM ,including the way he left you, it cannot have been all sweet or you would be still together, concentrate on all the negative staff he did, the sexual feeling might go off and then they might not, give it another year, if you still feel the same you might have to see if he is still free, I do feel sorry for your new guy though, it proves to me once more that us ladies are attracted to bastards that treat us badly while the good ones miss out ,good luck

Answer 8

It's kindof like a first love thing, you never get over it. Your heart may never be totally whole again because when he left he took a piece of it with him. Life will go on and we as humans give pieces away here and there with broken relationships, some are just stingy and take bigger pieces. Just remember that while you are missing that lost piece that the person who has it is also missing the piece that you took of his heart.

Take care!

Answer 9

I'd say give it time, man. I could give you a multi-page list about the particulars I miss of a few ex's. One of which had my heart completely.

Just keep one thing in mind...ex's are ex's for a reason. Each bad relationship is a chance for improvement for the next.

And if that isn't enough to get you through it, remember this: No matter how perfect someone in a relationship seems, there's someone, somewhere who's sick of their sh!t. ;)

Answer 10

I'd giggle with delight when I would think about how Glen told me he was leaving the relationship and how he picked his *** up off the floor and he just thought my jaw was gonna drop.