should i go ahead and divorce?

Question

My husband and i who are seperated finally seemed to be getting along last week. We ate out together and the week and sleep together a few days before that. I wouldn't say it was really great being with him because so much has happened hurts on both sides. But we have a two yr old and i have a 7 yr old from previous marriage that is close to him. Well i thought things could be moving in the rite direction slowly because it was the first time in a while we can be nice to each other. Well Sunday nite me and his daughter and him ate together and parted ways around 10:30 pm. I called him because his daughter went to the phone and said da da and cryed he answered i said say goodnight to her he did. He mentioned he would call me. Well mon and tues i tryed calling him and even texted him. He didn't answer here it is thursday and he hasn't answered or called me? I don't know what is goin on in his head maybe men can answer this for me why was he nice to me?nice enough to eat with me?

I'm almost 100 positive he is not cheating. But for the life of me can't figure out why he is avoiding me it is a cell phone so not answering is on purpose and have no idea why he doesn't call me. It is very hurtful ?

he is 35 me 30

Answer 1

You are in a difficult situation. He seems to be running a bit hot and cold and that isn't really fair.

He could be confused about things or perhaps he fears he has given you the wrong idea. You can either give him space and wait till he comes back to you or you can try to contact him once just so you can gauge what is going on.

As for the phone situation it may be that he doesn't have the phone on him or that he is just incredibly busy and when he has time of an evening to call it slips his mind. One way to find out is to call him from a pay phone. If he answers and you can speak to him from a pay phone where it won't show the caller's number, then perhaps he is ignoring you. Ask him if he has his phone turned on because you have been trying to contact him.

Even if you can't reconcile, the fact that you can have dinner together could be great for the sake of your children. Much better to have parents that can communicate on a friendly basis than to be at each other's throats all the time.

Good luck to you. I hope you have your answer soon so you can get your life plan going!

Answer 2

(I use caps occasionally - I'm not shouting, it's just there's no italics. Read caps as Italics. :)

No, divorce is an awful thing and there is ALWAYS hope. Hear me? However impossible it seems, there is always hope for reconcilliation.

It sounds like an emotional situation - he's probably facing the idea of never really being with his kids again (don't talk about being there weekends. It's not the same.) When guys are in pain, they don't act like us and want to talk about it. They go off by themselves to be alone and sort out their feelings. Don't take it personally. Problems happen because of misunderstandings and this looks like the perfect opportunity for another misunderstanding. Don't judge his actions just yet. I would adivse to always err on the side of forgiveness and understanding. It's an important thing you two are trying to save from a difficult circumstance - you'll both need to give each other leeway.

And can I give some hope? Statistically, about 4-6 years into the marriage problems come up. Most couples that divorce do so during this time. BUT couples that stick it through find that on the other side they are closer to each other, more commited, and more strengthened by the testing their love has gone through. And their marriages after the conflict are far better afterward than they were even in the beginning.

Love isn't really proven as love until it's stood through some testing. Every marriage goes through hard parts, and it's the couples who decide to stick it out no matter what that get through and save their families.

I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but can I suggest calling a prayer phone line? The people there deeply care, and even if you don't believe in God it can be comforting to listen to someone pray for you. I left a link just in case (they're 1-800 numbers).

I'm sorry for what you're going though - my own parents just divorced so I understand some of the troubles you must be going through. But I don't believe divorce is the answer - people arent' happier after a divorce. There's all sorts of compounding problems that make the situation worse.

Can I talk a bit about what happened in my family? When I was 12 my dad went to work in another city and came home on weekends. It was only supposed to last a year (they promised me), but he stayed there for six years, only coming on weekends. I was too naive to realize they were unofficially separated. Then they announced after Christmas when I was in Grade 12 that they were going to divorce. I firmly believe that the years of separation, rather than helping them heal, made the situation far worse than if they had stayed together and worked it out. I don't know your circumstances, but maybe you should consider whether separating may be more bad for your marriage than good. (My thoughts is that separating makes people FEEL better because the source of conflict is gone, but in the end drives a wedge between people. You think about it, these are my thoughts.)

The last thing I wanted to say is that the longer my mom pretended everything was fine, the harder it was to change her mind about divorce. By the time the decision became public to us kids, she was so hard-set there was literally nothing that could be said to change her mind. Don't make the same mistake she did - acknowledge problems and deal with them with the intent to heal and restore.

Anyways, that's all I have to say. I wish the best for your marriage. May it last long and be whole, until death do you part.

Love,
~Mynta



Oh, P.S. ~ I just wanted to assure you that I'm not saying you have made any of these mistakes - they're just stuff I've learned to watch out for, as warning signs. You judge whether these are issues. I just want to help. God bless your marriage,
~Mynta

Answer 3

Maybe he is very confused about the new direction things are going. I don't know who left who but maybe he is afraid of going through the pain of losing you again or maybe he is just having second thoughts about moving in that direction. It sounds like there is at least a kindling left between you and I think you should get some counseling and see if there is anything left worth salvaging it is a marriage and they are worth fighting for if there is anything left to fight with especially when children are involved.

Answer 4

My costly buddy. that's THE 12 months 2011 and we are going into 2012. arranged marriages ought to offer up. yet in any case, to respond to your question. go away him. Do what makes you happy. existence is so short, so why do you should obey your father and mom and stay in a existence crammed with tears and melancholy? discern's can not tension a individual to stay married. that's united statesa.. Do what you wanna do. that's not China, Thailand, India, or w/e. Do what the regulation says. in case you wanna divorce, then divorce.

Answer 5

Sounds to me he's as confused over your relationship as you are. Part of it sounds like some guilt issues he's having, turning loose of the relationship to move on is hard and thats another reason he's behaving that way, plus there is a child involved.

I'd leave him alone for awhile, don't text, don't call...and let him do his thinking on his own. Go on with whatever you have lined up...if he doesn't want divorced he'll come around.

You know, sometimes that old saying..."If you love it set it free, yadda yadda..." rings true.

Answer 6

Getting along and sleeping together are probably not going to fix all the problems you had in your marriage. You have a child together so he eventually will call you. When he does ask him if he'd consider going to marriage counseling with you, if he says no then you have your answer.

Answer 7

maybe he ust needs time to himself. do not take it personal. there is just some days that some just want to be alone. since cheating is not a factor, do not worry. write him a letter tell him how much you love him but you feel as if he needs time to himself and that you love him so much that you are willing to give him that space. also let him know that you will be there for him if he needs to talk. let him know he can see the children anytime he would like. now give him his space. let him call you. and when he does be short but nice to him. and always tell him you love him before hanging up.

Answer 8

That is strange, I know you think he is not cheating, but there is something going on somewhere. You and the children should not live in this confusion. DO NOT CALL! Act like you do not need him! He is doing that to you and it is killing you, right? Turn the tables, it will work.

Answer 9

You're separated. Never call unless its an emergency or an urgent matter. Plus the season isn't really a relaxed month if you know what I mean. A week of being on good terms does not mean things will be better or worse - its just a week of being in good terms. Let him have his space and don't call unless its urgent or an emergency.

Answer 10

Since you aren't with him and can't see what he is doing, he is most likely cheating on you. You should have him investigated by a private detective or have some one follow him and find out what he is doing. You will be very surprised to find out he is cheating.