here is a poem about an assassin?

Question

Silents and shadows fill's my mind.
the darkness of my life;
verses the torment of my brain
The light through the window shows dim against my skin.
The tingle down my spine proves this is'nt the first time.
My nerves tight
and, my body stiff
my mind wound tight with wander.

The gun held steady in my hand
as my finger gently stroked the trigger
when he slipped through the door.

I take one step out
raise my arm
find the trigger
and in one motion i pull.

His life gone.
The sound of the bullet soft against the night
as the silencer deafens its voice.

His mind obliterated;
his memory gone;
his whole lifes wanders shattered
as his body hit the floor.

No more love;
no more pain;
his heart broken as the metal pierced
his love was non-existant.

He was a ghost.
_______________________________________________
ok this poem is a lyrical poem so please if it does not rhyme it is going with a flow.

what do you think of the poem?
what can i do to change the story to make it better?
~*~*~*Chela*~*~*~*~*~

Answer 1

very good

Answer 2

For one thing, it needs a little proofreading. Instead of "silents", you want "silence;" "fill" instead of "fill's"; "versus" or "vs." instead of "verses"; "wonders" instead of "wanders".

Stanza two - stick to present tense like stanza 1 and 3 to make it flow. In fact, keeping it throughout the poem could help.

Also, the assassin probably isn't just finding the trigger when he steps out, since he fingered it in the previous stanza. Where was the assassin? I picture a sniper as lying in wait, as in reclining on a rooftop or something - it steadies the aim of the gun and keeps him out of sight. Stepping out of something makes an assassin visible.

Otherwise, thoughtful meditations on the subject. You might return to the thoughts/feelings of the assassin once the act is over - does he feel any more real than the man he just killed?

Answer 3

I don't think assassins think about the other person. So I'm not sure that part about "his mind obliterated" makes sense. I also don't know what "lifes wanders" means. I also think it's spelled "existent." Sorry to be picky.

Also, given all the teens who kill, I think it's sad that you're writing poetry like this. I know poetry can be dark, but if I were your teacher I'd wonder if you needed help or were dangerous to others.

Answer 4

the 2d 0.5 is definitely touching directly to the female who destroyed a guy's heart, however the 1st 0.5 is touching directly to the guy and his heart. the 2d 0.5 is a lot extra advantageous in my opinion. the 1st 0.5 wreaks of "All I ever did became attempt to love you"... Blah in short, from "the middle with bullets became crammed" on is a great poem all the way via itself. i might lose something.