How to pull off a long distance marriage?

Question

Any suggestions? We are 500 miles apart and it is very complicated. We are very much in love but cannot be in the same place right now.

My husband is away taking care of ailing parents. There is no work where he is. We have a home and five children here. Two of them are receiving ongoing medical treatment not avaliable where he is. All of them have school and community ties as well as my entire family. I do have a very significant job here as well familial obligations of my own. We will be living to gether again, in the meantime we are on the phone about 5 hours a day.

Answer 1

If there really is no choice (such as one is in the military and stationed in a place where the spouse can't be, or a political regime is preventing one from leaving a country to be with the other), then it is going to take a lot of work and serious commitment to keep the marriage together. Both spouses have to be committed to making it work--they have to have a mindset that says "this will work" and not be willing to think about getting out of the marriage.

Practical ideas:
Be committed to finding productive ways to fight off the daily loneliness--whether through hobbies, or volunteer work outside of work, or writing to shut-ins, or working on writing a book, or something (and not put themselves in compromising situations, situations where they'd be alone with someone of the opposite sex, situations that can easily lead to infidelity since the loneliness that comes with the situation makes it easy to get into an unintended affair).

Communicate often (write emails and/or letters often, phone calls as often as possible, send packages when possible with little things in them that just say that you're thinking of the other person--little pictures you've drawn, poems you've written, favorite food items the other will enjoy, items that remind you of previous good times you've had together, things that remind each of you of shared moments).

Find things that you can do "together"--whether you both read copies of a particular book that you can talk about, watch the same television show or sports event, decide to both go to a similar place in your own locales--something that you both do and can talk about.

Have a plan that, you've discussed together, for ending the long distance thing. A deadline for when it will end. Or a plan that you're working on that will make it possible to get back together. And make plans together for when you are back in the same home.

Personally, I think long distance marriage is often a recipe for disaster. Love isn't enough. Marriage involves being together, sharing day-to-day stuff, sharing lives in a basic way. So, you have to know that it's going to be a rough road. Don't let yourself be shaken by the difficulties. (Religion can help if you are both religious.)

Sometimes people think that there's no choice when there really is. So be sure to evaluate whether there's really no choice. Sometimes in marriage, career and other life choices have to take a back seat to the marriage--a lesser career (or none) might have to be chosen by one or the other, someone might have to move when they don't want to, other options might have to be considered.

Answer 2

He's a good son to his parents, but he needs to remember that this primary obligation is to his wife and children.

My husband and I have been doing the long-distance thing for the last five months, and it will continue for the next 2-1/2 years. He gets back home about every two weeks for a long weekend, and has a month long break over the holidays. Phone calls, emails, send little care packages (cookies, etc.) to let him know you're thinking of him. We have a webcam that we talk over -- it helps to see his face when we're talking. Videotape the kids' activities so that he can watch band concerts, Christmas pageants, etc. It's tough, but it's not nearly as tough as the families with servicepeople overseas have it -- at least I know he's not being shot at or is likely to drive over a bomb.

Do you know how much longer he will be doing this? (i.e., is there an end in sight?) He may find that it is easier to bring his parents to your hometown so that he can care for them, if this looks like it's going to be a long-term proposition.

Answer 3

I am 16000 miles from my tibetan husband. We are missing each other, and we talk on the telephone, and write e mail. We are very spiritually connected and are making a plan to be with each other in six months. there has to be a goal to a separation. it cannot go on indefintiely. there also has to be an open heart. meaning that life goes on...with parameters and guide lines...moral ones. can you trust each other? if not, along distance relationship can be a neurotic mess. If you have no trust of your self...you cannot live with the other being out of sight. there is a maturity necessary in growing up, and knowing that you will see the other person again. on the other hand, impermanence rules, and anything can happen. I think that is why some of us are in long distance relationships....we like to push the envelope and challenge ourselves. so you must cultivate your life, and live it fully...do not put on hold your development of yourself or your mind....okay?

Answer 4

Keep in touch. Often. Phone, mail, email, whatever. Don't argue over the phone. Just try to keep it light whenever possible. Be extra supportive of each other and remember: You're not alone. Literally millions of people are in your situation because of military, prison, employment and who knows what other reasons. Just don't cheat and above all, be VERY VERY trusting. And if that becomes impossible, be forgiving. But that's with any marriage, though.

Answer 5

i'm doing a long distance relationship and this is how we get through it.
1. text. omg we text so much it's ridiculous. get on a family plan w/ unlimited in texting and it will cost you maybe 50 dollars a month.
2. email. we live in a world of technology. staying in touch shouldn't be the hard part.
3. visits. it does cost money, but southwest has cheap flights.
4. phone calls at night. that seals the deallll.

thats what works for us. we see each other once a month and we've been doing it for 4 months so far and we're doing fine. good luck. i know how much it sucks :(

Answer 6

send him care packages with things like a sexy pair of knickers a naked photo of you maybe a home made video tape ( at least you can be sure that he is batting over you and not a porn star) now i know you can get vibes off the net where he gets the remote and you get the other bit and through the net or chat he can controll what speed you thing is on and i have heard that is pretty good... Good luck hun it must be hard but you'll get through it just take it day by day

Answer 7

I'm an army wife and understand what your going through. Calls, emails, instant message, text and write letters! Keep photos handy, keep a shirt or something of his close to your heart, think about happy memories and also think about what it will be like when you come back in contact with each other. Also it helps if you get a hobby or find something to keep yourself busy. It eases your mind and cuts down the stress of not having him close by. God bless!

Answer 8

Write cute love letters...talk on the phone. Have movie nights, like you rent the same thing and watch them. while on the phone. Never forget what you guys mean to each other. Send letters, and recordings on each other. Have special songs. It is going to be difficult, but in all you do, always think of new and creative ways to keep it spicy. When you seem him, you are going to want to jump his bones, honey! Good luck!!

Answer 9

For us, we make sure we are never separated for more than a couple weeks (e.g. work-related). We just make our plans and decisions so that we don't have to be apart longer than that because we decided not to. I have a lot of friends who do that, and they stay married, but usually drift into their own things/circle of friends, etc. Otherwise, just keep in contact every day.
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Well, 5 hours on the phone every day is pretty good. Don't stop.

Answer 10

What do you mean a lond distance marriage. Long distance relationships can be hard. takes alot of patience and trust. Just take things slow and wait for the time to be right and everything will fall into place.