More Critic Fodder.?

Question

Cranked this one out a moment ago...

To Make the Snow Angel

To make the snow angel
First come to joyfully inhabit
A world that is fresh and new as new snow.
Love the smooth swish of your synthetic snowsuit.
You artist! Allow the tracks to the site. Just bubbles to a thought balloon,
The drawn dashes of paper's airborne motion.
Forget the possibility of judging watchers. Lay
yourself into crystallized cloud
- proud head too -
and make the motions of flying.

You remember.

In L2, "inhabit" is meant both figuratively as "embrace" (as suggested) and literally too, in that only kids do these - the spirits that have just come to inhabit the world. The whole world, to them, is as new as a new snow is to us. That's why "new" is there x2. So the voice is almost instructing a spirit as much as a person with a full-fledged identity, so the "remember" part can be extended to before birth - presumably, that disembodied state knows what it is to fly.

Answer 1

I have to say, most of the poems posted here are utter crap, but I rather like this one. You draw a lot into the simple concept of a snow angel, notions of creativity and release and happiness. The comparisons of footprints to a thought path and of crafting the angel to the formation of an idea are very clever. And the final words are striking as the reader is caught along with the subject as he reaches some epiphany or cathartic moment.
The phrase "crystallized cloud" is really sticking to me- did you come up with that yourself?
As far as criticism- the second and third line could use work. I get the impression you are instructing a state of mind, but the ideas don't mesh well. Inhabit seems more like embrace, and "fresh and new as new snow" puts me off--too trite. Good work, though. Made me think.

ETA
Thanks for your interpretation. The duality is an interesting factor and gives L4 quite a bit more depth (and, of course, all the references to flight). But I have trouble reconciling the idea of newly (re)incarnated spirits with a couple lines- 7, because self-consciousness is really more of an adolescent and adult phenomenon, and L9, (similarly) because I don't really associate children with extreme pride.
In L3, "fresh and new" is redundant, and you can do better than "new" the second time around (A world that is fresh as virgin snow)

Answer 2

Encapsulates the memories of childhood snow fun.
"Bubbles to a thought balloon" is good.
Have you seen Calvin and Hobbes Snowmen?
www.angelfire.com/wa/zzaran/calvin.html - 6k

Answer 3

I just love the alliteration, it adds to the feeling of joy expressed in the motions of the new snow. You've certainly conveyed so much imagery and happiness in this poem and the mysterious ending--it's a memory after all and a joyous one at that!!

Answer 4

I agree; "new as new snow" doesn't flow very well. I think "reminiscent as new snow" would work better, but it is your poem.
Hope this is the criticism you longed for. [I know how it is.]
You already know your poem is good. The second line is what's wrong with it.