I feel fire burning up my soul
hot and uncontrollable
I try to ease it but the fire I feel is too great
feeling lost and hurt above all
I feel like a second hell is in me
trying to eat at my emotions
I sit alone in a silent rage
telling myself to do what I always wanted to do take my life
I got a knife and cut my wrists
watching my blood dripping to the floor
my last thoughts were of you and your betrayal
I hope you know this is your punishment
so feel me die
you spawn of devil
this is your punishment
and know that i'll never forgive you
and the the darknes consumed me...
2007-12-13 09:52:08 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
If it is not truly how you feel, than your writing is insincere. If it is, than you need some serious therapy.
2007-12-13 11:03:05 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think the amount of rage and angst and the way you express it in the poem is overpowering, and when that happens, the poem loses its affect and power. Like, you're outwardly saying things like "I got a knife and cut my wrists" and "You spawn of devil." It would be better if you made them more subtle, like "The gentle blade against my skin let loose my blood." I don't know. I don't write angsty poems.
The "I feel" reoccurring in the first couple lines is unneeded, because if you wanted to make this a better poem, you'd use it twice at the most, and definitely spread out, unless the "I feel" had an actual pattern to it.
Yeah, all in all, it's not the greatest but it's not terrible.
2007-12-13 18:02:22 · answer #2 · answered by Lyra [and the Future] 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Thats a nice poem
yours might be about a boy
but i feel that way about a so called friend that i had
she really hurt me and i wish i could take my life
but i know i cant because God will be mad
but its still a realy nice poem
2007-12-13 18:01:48 · answer #3 · answered by adriana t 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its a bit over-emotional...instead of being so literal in the second half of the poem ("i always wanted to take my life") use more symbolism like you did in the first half. also either take away the pattern you used in the first half (i feel like...) or add it to the second half. also don't say "you spawn of the devil"...it sounds too dramatic.
otherwise, great poem. i don't think you're "disturbed" like other people are saying...you're just expressing your emotions through art.
keep up the good work!
2007-12-13 18:04:21 · answer #4 · answered by Nicole:) 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you're a teenager arent you? yeah i wrote some angsty stuff when i was a teen too.
is this about a boyfriend who hurt you? a friend who hurt you?
it isnt NBAD, but it isnt stand out spectacular either.
the wrist cutting stuff needs to be discussed with a counselor.
2007-12-13 17:55:40 · answer #5 · answered by neonatheart 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
yea great job if ur really a cutter please dont cut its a bad habit but otherwise its interesting and deep maybe change the last line to as the darkness cunsumes me unless it is still a work in progress but otheriwse good job !!!
2007-12-13 17:56:04 · answer #6 · answered by *renfield* 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Kinda good but bit depressing , i have gone all empty , what a peculiar feeling
2007-12-13 17:56:48 · answer #7 · answered by JJ 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
There is no way I could be negative about this poem and I think it is very important that you talk to someone about your feelings.
2007-12-13 17:55:11 · answer #8 · answered by lilygateau 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
its preety good 8
hey you; take it easy and just relax, put a smile in your brain and soon you will be chill, and you will find a crease across your face
2007-12-13 17:56:23 · answer #9 · answered by GreenGasp 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Um, it's ok. It makes me feel as if you should see a phychologist though.
2007-12-13 17:56:25 · answer #10 · answered by invisible 4ever 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋