How do I tell him....?

Question

that I hate when he compares me to his ex-wife? Like when we fight and I make a face or a reaction, he says that I do the same thing she did and thats why he divorced her. He also claims that sometimes I behave the way she does. Its very hurtful that he tells me those things bc I am not like her at all, but he doesnt seem to think that it's a big deal.

Answer 1

Um, what he's doing is basically threatening to "divorce" you....because his ex-wife is his ex for a reason, correct?

Granted, when people are mad they say things they don't mean....but if you're pointing out that this bothers you and he says, "get over it"....that says something about his characters....and yours.

Good luck

-kiki

Answer 2

I went through that with my hubby. Whenever we would argue he would call by his ex-wifes name or say that I was no better than her. It does hurt...but you have the power to turn it around and make him realise how badly it hurts you. When he does it again stop look at him and ask "so if I'm so like (her) *** then why do you stay with me, or maybe you are just wishing I was more like her." I said it once to my husband and felt awful for days because it was a heat of the moment type thing. but after two days of not talking about the arguement his ex called and that started the conversation. He said he was sorry that he had put me through all that and that I was nothing like her. I don't know your guy but if he is even remotely sensitive he will respond to that comment.
Wishing you the very best of luck,
Momma_Bear

Answer 3

tell him he's acting like your ex when he compares you as a form of manipulation to intimidate you into his control to be like he wants whether he's right or wrong and you are sincerely not going to take it anymore. Ask him where he learned this method of resolving disputes because it's not working, it's childish and if he keeps it up, he's going to end up being an ex. Tell him if he read some good self-help books tor get a good therapist to see his patterns, he'll just keep repeating this and having the same results, more or less...and since you know your worth, you will get out and find a functional man not a dysfunctional boy unless he gets his act together.

Thank God you didn't marry or have children with him. These freaks don't get better!

Of course he thinks it's no big deal, most people treating others like crap to get their way are oblivious when they think they think they can get what they want this way!

Answer 4

He already knows you hate it...

The trick is to get him to stop...

Here is what I think may be happening. His wounds still hurt and he is TERRIFIED that you will hurt the same wound.

The ONLY thing that will make him understand that is for you to act nothing like her...

If it happens, stop and VERY calmly tell him that it is important to you to not hurt him like she did, but that sometimes things look the same on the surface and are different underneath.

Be very kind and gentle during this phase. Patiently allow him to realize that you are different. It may take as much time with him as he had being hurt with his ex to respond differently.

What you should have done is waited for him to be over her before you committed to him.

Answer 5

If he does this only when you two are fighting then tell him he's not being fair, that this is your marriage, your lives together, and if he can't separate this from his previous marriage, then that's HIS problem. He KNOWS it get you riled up when he makes these comparisons, so he can distract you from whatever the real point of the argument is.
You can let him get away with it, or say something along the lines of, "Well if this is how you treated her, no wonder she's your ex!" and see how he likes the tables turned.

Answer 6

He shouldn't be comparing you to anyone, especially his ex wife. Ask how he would feel if you compared him to other men. Let him know you are not perfect, but neither is he. Let him know it's hurtful and disrespectful and you need him to stop comparing you. Show him your question on here, maybe he will get the hint, there is a problem.

Answer 7

Tell him that if you act the same as his ex then may be the problem lies with him and not you or his ex maybe he his just insecure and wants you to feel bad ,next time he says anything call his bluff and tell him to divorce you (bet he will soon change his ways)

Answer 8

Well first off tell him how you feel... it's wrong for him to hurt you especially if it's intentional.. and i know it is because why would he mention that your like a women he don't like if it wasn't meant to hurt you.. don't let him treat you that way! and if it's a big deal to you it should be to him to... a relationship should not be based on self... you watch him he watches you... that way your never looking at yourselves.. i hope things get better honey and other than that do you guys generally have a good relationship?

Answer 9

take it from someone who is married to someone that was married twice bf me. I have had this happen too. I hate it and for other reasons I have decided that we just aren't meant to be together. It is a big deal. If you are tired of him just tell him "and I am going to be another ex you can compare someone else too". Good luck!

Answer 10

I hear ya, I'm my own person so don't ever compare me to a tramp ur divorced from. If it keeps happening I'd have no choice but to leave. I will not live my life being compared to someone that he fell outta love w/ cuz what does that say about our relationship?? Ask him if he still loves her and is that why he keeps bringing her up.

Answer 11

He's not fighting fairly. You need to explain the rules. If he has a problem with you, discuss that issue, and not try to divert it with some BS comment about his ex. If that does not work, I guess you could tell him you are about to become exactly like his ex because you want a divorce.