Married man, just found out i got my lover pregnant. Help!?

Question

I feel ashamed. I am a married man with two adorable daughters under the age of 5. Things have never been right with my wife, but we kept our relationship going because of our daughters. Well, that's why I am still in the relationship.
I made the huge mistake of cheating on her, and falling for another woman. I have known her for over 8 months now. And she recently found out that she was pregnant. I feel lost, ashamed and scared. She is worried but completely against abortion, and I am too, in a way, but I feel like this is a critical situation.
If she keeps this child, I will have to leave my family and my daughters will never respect me. I love them, they are the love of my life, and i can't imagine them not being in my life or hating me.
Should she have an abortion? Should she keep the child? What can i say to convince her not to have this child? I feel like this child would be born in a bad situation, but she seems to think it does not matter. What is the best option? Help.

Answer 1

As they say "The proof is in the pudding". You need to do the right thing for this situation. Tell your wife what happened and you will have to face the consequences. Just because you leave your wife, it doesn't mean you have to leave your daughters. They are young enough and they will adjust to having a new brother and sister.

Unfortunately you can't turn back time. If she is against abortion, then I would not encourage you to convince her to kill her baby. You have to face the music and live up to your responsibilities.

Answer 2

What a horrible mistake.

Does your wife know you're having an affair?

This exact situation happened to my best friend when she was growing up and she still has issues because of it. She doesn't trust men because she couldn't trust her daddy.

I know you feel like you screwed up, but now you are stuck. The way I see it, you have two real choices.

1. Stay with your wife and kids, try to make the marriage work and pay child support to the other woman. Spend time with your other child on the weekends. This will only work if you have a VERY understanding and forgiving wife.

2. Leave your wife and marry this woman and start another family. Get joint custody of your girls and let them have the best life possible with a blended family.

Remember that you don't have many options here. No matter what you do, you have limited your chances to keep your family together. Put your children first though. Do not let them think you are abandonning them to start a new family.

I guess you could end things with the other woman and convince her to give the child up for adoption or to keep things a secret and receive child payements from you and hide that from your wife. But isn't that just more and more lies?

Come clean to your wife and let her decide what you should do.

You screwed up. At least own up.

Answer 3

Having an abortion is TOTALLY up to her. It is and will always be her choice. For you to ask is even more wrong than you knocking her up.

Son, I've got to tell you, there is absolutely NO EXCUSE for your actions. There is no excuse to cheat and there is no excuse for getting anyone pregnant unless you want to.

I could have told you how to avoid your predicament but I fear I have no advice for the position you find yourself in now.
You have managed to dig a huge hole for yourself and everyone around you. What a way to go into the world, a total disregard for the lives of your family and now your lover. Did she buy into raising a child alone or with a rat like you? How funny is it that you are against abortion but would ask in this "critical situation". It is only critical to your selfish interest.
I so feel for both of these women and YOUR children.

Dare I say, that this is what happens when you forget about your family and start thinking about yourself first. It can only go poorly.

This is as gentle as I can be here.

Answer 4

1. Don't kill an innocent baby because you used poor judgment. I personally have friends that would adopt.

2. A real man owns up to his mistakes and pays the price and yes, others must pay too.

3. Don't make the mistake of thinking that an affair is a viable marriage. Make sure she is a match before you commit. Get counseling.. the premarital kind.

4. Admit your failings to your daughters openly (with regard to their age) . Over time you can help them avoid the same mistakes. Mostly, they want to be loved. Make sure that is foremost and they will forgive you, but hiding this will only make it worse.

5. Make sure you get counseling... you obviously let yourself down and didn't live up to your own standards, so you need to re-assess your decision making methods and forgive yourself. Realize that this was a bad moment in life for you and find a way to keep yourself from making the same mistake again.

6. Make sure you have a support system around your wife when you tell her. Give her every advantage to recover that you can.

Answer 5

You should've thought about your children while you were having sex with this woman. Anytime you have sex you take the risk of possibly getting pregnant. You're a grown man, you already know that. And regarding HER choice as to whether or not SHE has an abortion... what say do you have? You got her pregnant, but you can't control what she does with something growing in her body. Prepare to be broke. Have fun working this out.

Answer 6

First of all, good job on recognizing your mistakes. It sounds like you and your wife are on the outs so its not going to matter that you added this to the package. I would tell you wife and let her know that after she has thought about it for a few days, you would like to know what she wants to do. Maybe she wants to stay with you and go to therapy. Maybe she will want a divorce. Either way, your children will always respect you even if you mess up with their mother. Just as long as you always love your kids, they have no reason to disrespect you. When they ask why you might be getting a divorce, tell them that you made a mistake, that you and your wife cant stay together, and that you still love them and will still be a family.

Dont keep this from your wife. Ending a childs life is no reason to save your "pathetic marriage." It sounds to me like this child came at just the right time.
Good luck!

Answer 7

First of all it is her body and her baby, too. That child inside of her is innocent and doesn't deserve to be terminated. It isn't just a bad dream. It is the life of a child.

I am glad that you feel remorse. But, you should have felt bad before you "got caught with you hand in the cookie jar". However, life can go on. There will be a time of turmoil, but you will always be your little girls' daddy. Once the dust settles, they will still love you and want to see you. However, you will need to "fess up" to your sins. Cheating never ends up good for anyone. Maybe you could talk to a good local pastor for reconciling things in your heart. My pastor is a really good man and if you lived near us, he would talk to you gladly. He has delt with this before--and they're are other pastors like this.

Answer 8

Your first mistake was staying with your wife when you were unhappy and didn't want to be with her. Your children are way too young for it to be too late to have them adjust to it. You should've left her if you were unhappy. Now you're paying for what you did.

Don't ask her to kill the child. You were irresponsible enough to have sex; I guess you're stuck with a baby. Instead of asking her to have an abortion, you should tell your wife what you did. Being in this marriage with you, she obviously knows you're unhappy. Tell her the truth, and don't try to find every way to hide it from her.

Yes, the child might be in a bad situation. But her having an abortion shouldn't even be an option. No offense, but I think you're being selfish. You did the dirty deed, but you don't want to handle what comes with making mistakes? You did this to yourself.

Tell your wife the truth, and don't try to cover up for what you did. That'd be the worst thing to do. Be upfront and honest about it. If your wife leaves you, there's always joint custody. After what you did, I'm sure she won't be too pleased if you were to ask for that. However, once this blows over, discuss it with her.

Answer 9

Best option is to calm down for a minute. Yes you screwed up. You can still leave your wife and have a relationship with your daughters. They're still your children. OR.....you can spill the beans, ask for forgiveness and try to make something of your marriage. If the mistress doesn't want an abortion then don't push it. The balls in her court now.

Answer 10

Accept the fact that you are going to have a third child that will need your support. Then, you need to man- up and tell your wife. She needs to know that her daughters will have a half sister or brother. And at some point, they will need to know ,too. This is not the time to tell them because they are really too young to fully comprehend this. I'm not going to preach about the cheating. You know that was wrong. But, what part of condom don't you or her understand?