I don't know what is wrong with me. It might just be the crappy weather but I feel a bit down today. :(
2007-12-13 09:09:00 · 14 answers · asked by Harley Mama!! 7 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Polls & Surveys
"Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday."
2007-12-13 09:13:02 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 8⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry to hear that; hope you enjoy the jokes below :) RECESSION 1) Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba thirty thieves. Ten were laid off! 2) Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate!! 3) Iron man now “air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs?!! 4) Women finally marrying for love! And not money! 5) The only "deposits" being made on a Ferrari are the ones made by birds flying over them. Q: With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a small fortune? A: Start off with a large one. Q: What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? A: A large pizza can feed a family of four. The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now America 's third biggest lender. Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning? A: Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon. Q: What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean? A: In a few weeks, nothing. Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones". Goodyear is now re-branded as "Bad Year". And lastly: Money talks. Trouble is, it knows only one word: goodbye.
2016-04-09 01:20:55 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
A guy goes in to a bar and sits down. He notices a sign above the bar saying Ham Sandwiches, $5, ****jobs $10. He asks the bartender who gives the ****jobs. The bartender says Julie usually does, but she is on break and he is taking over her duties while she is out. The patron tells the bartender, "Just wash your hands and give me a ham sandwich!"
2007-12-13 10:32:15 · answer #3 · answered by Paulus 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The Purina Diet
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it . I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
2007-12-13 10:37:55 · answer #4 · answered by kitkat1640 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Knock Knock
Who is there?
Fat Polar Bear!
What the heck you talking 'bout Willis?
I'd say anything to break the ice with you!
Breathe in & breathe out
I hope you feel like like riding the Hog again sometimes soon .... just not in this weather!
2007-12-13 09:47:45 · answer #5 · answered by Ronatnyu 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:
"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand,but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She -tried with her right hand,with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing.
We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DAMN jar open!"
Hope this made you chuckle, and hope I didn't offend anyone, AS this was not my intentions. ;-)
2007-12-13 10:30:27 · answer #6 · answered by Bluelady... 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Why did the redneck cross the road? His d*ck was stuck in a chicken.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
How do you expect me to get hard so fast, I just got laid.
What's the fastest land animal on Earth?
An Ethiopian chicken.
2007-12-13 09:43:15 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
The mother of three Jewish men was having a birthday. They all bickered back and forth about how great their presents were.
The first son said "I got ma a great big house. It's got furniture and everything. She's gonna love it!"
The second son said "That's nothing. I got ma a Jaguar. She can drive anywhere she likes."
The third son was sure he'd topped them all. "I got her a parrot that recites the Torah, so she won't get lonely."
Their mother's birthday came and passed, and they all gave her their gifts.
The first son calls a week later, expecting his mother to be enthralled with her new home.
"Ma," he says, "how'd you like my gift?"
"Oy," she replies wearily, "this house is so big! All I do is spend the day cleaning!" The first son is disappointed.
The second son calls shortly after.
"Ma. How'd you like my gift?"
"What would I do with a car like that?" she says, her voice trembling. "It's too fast for me! And besides, I take the bus to the store." The second son is disappointed.
The third son calls as well.
"Ma, how'd you like my gift?"
"OY," she exclaims, delighted, "the chicken was DELICIOUS!"
--
Long, but FUNNY ;).
2007-12-13 09:15:19 · answer #8 · answered by manhattanchicka 3 · 5⤊ 0⤋
A man arrived home and found his wife in bed with his best friend
He shouted at his wife, "You whore, you betrayed me. Pack your things and go. I never want to see you again!"
Then he turned to his best friend and said, "And as for you ... bad dog!"
2007-12-13 10:43:23 · answer #9 · answered by Dolores & the prune 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Q why are there no screws in a lesbians bed A co's its all tongue and groove
2007-12-13 22:40:13 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋