What to do when spouse is cheating...?

Question

I found out just this morning from my wife of 9 years that she's been having an affair with her best friend's husband, who is someone I've been friends with since we were kids. I'm trying to be level-headed about this on my end and not make any rash decisions or actions (it's only been a few hours after all), but because this man is my friend (of over 20 years) and because I know he will ask why my wife and I have split up, I'm trying to figure out what to say to him. Is it my place to explain what I know? Do I have an obligation to tell his wife? I'm throwing a party for my employees tomorrow and he and his wife both work for me and they're planning on being there. If anyone can give me ANY ideas how to handle this tactfully, I'd be very grateful! Thanks in advance! :)

Yes, it's a long story, but my wife did tell me about the affair.

Sorry, I did forget to add (tnx to whoever reminded me...) my wife wants to stay with me but for alot of long & complicated reasons, it's not something we're going to do. I got her a hotel for the next week (her choice) and I'll financially help her get an apartment (she's not working) and if it's relevant, our two children are staying with me, she says she's sick of being a mom.

To the girl who asked, honestly I have no idea what the future holds I'm not sure what my wife is thinking (obviously lol), I'm just worried about making it through tomorrow without causing a scene or ruining anyone's holidays by being a complete ***. :) But thank you for the consideration! :)

Answer 1

First of all, I am sorry to hear you are having to go through this. I went through a similar situation but I made all kinds of irrational decisions and I don't regret it!

My opinion is that you talk to the person and let him know you are aware of the affair with your wife and leave it as is. Really any explanation he tries to give you will not be justifiable. If he is a real man, he will 1) tell his wife and 2) find another job for obvious reasons.

You are by no means obligated to tell the wife. The only reason why you would is just to cause more drama on top of the drama you already have. Leave that for him..

As far as the wife not wanting to be a mom, then she is clearly too selfish to see what she has. She will regret this one day when she has matured.. This along with cheating is a heart breaker..

My heart goes out to you so good luck..

Answer 2

Wow. You seem really level-headed, especially since the wound is fresh. I'm amazed!

Maintain a level of dignity and integrity for the party. Behave professionally. Your employees don't need to be on drama alert. Set the example of not bringing personal issues to the workplace--even if the party atmosphere is relaxed.

Did your wife actually tell you about the affair? If not, I would not let on that I know anything until I had a reasonable plan in place. Document your proof, not only to convince your wife that you know but also for your attorney should you decide to pursue a divorce. Talk to your wife and the both of you should decide what path to take.

If your friend is having an affair with your wife, I should think he would know why you split with her. Would he really have the guts to ask you directly? It's a sure bet that your wife will clue him to what's going on anyway once she learns that you know of the affair.

You are under no obligation to tell your friend's wife what's going on, but if I were her I'd want to know. (Maybe she already knows or suspects an affair and just hasn't told you.) Can you bring up the subject with your wife and her lover? Find out what their plans are and give the cheating husband the option of gently telling his wife (only out of respect for the man's wife). If he doesn't, then I would try to break the news to her by first telling her that you and your wife have decided to end your marriage. Then tell her why. Be sensitive and gage her reaction to determine if she's strong enough to accept the truth that it was her husband and your wife who has broken up your marriage.

Based on your explanation, it doesn't seem to me that you would have difficulty being the bigger man in this situation. I've never regretted taking the high road, and I don't think you will either. You may go through a grieving period after all the dust settles and feel an urge to do harm, but fight that urge. The situation is ugly enough and you don't want to give them any reason to believe that your wife's betrayal was justifiable. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and move on. If the guy has any sense, he will seek employment elsewhere; I know that the laws governing the dismissal of an employee can get sticky. Good luck.

Answer 3

Wow. Losing a wife and a supposed best friend in one day is on hell of a shock. You need a break and some space and you need it fast. You are impressive.

Consider packing up some stuff and getting a hotel room to take a breather from all this.

The Christmas party is for sure not the place to let all this break loose. If you cannot go and be cool, do yourself and everyone else a big favor and don't be there or let the best friend know his invitation has been retracted due to his incredible deceit.

You need some time to just not do anything at all and let yourself absorb all this shock. If your wife's lover has any questions about why the marriage is over, you may mention that he probably knows more about it than you do, so you don't need to explain it to him. Jeez. The whole idea is to give yourself all the time you need and not dig this very deep hole any deeper.

I am deeply sorry. I hope you can go from here and be truly happy.

Answer 4

Wait a minute...first of all, just because your wife cheated on you doesn't necessarily mean that there was something you contributed (or lack of) that caused her to wander. Yes, people have affairs when there's something missing in a relationship but they also have them for other reasons such as just being selfish asses.

I would get "the friend" and his wife together and announce to them the reason you and your wife split. He probably already knows and won't ask because your wife has already told. But I would still do this because his wife needs to know instead of him making up some lie to her to cover up the truth. This is not for revenge but so that when confronted he can't continue the lies.

Secondly, he wouldn't have done this if he was a true friend to you. Thirdly, someone who's been a friend of mine for 20 years that ripped out my heart and the rug from under my feet, I definitely wouldn't trust working for me. If you do this, the job situation will handle itself. He'll be looking for another job because of the awkwardness at work. He's been reaping benefits at work and home from you by being your "friend". I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh but facts-are-facts. Good luck, I know your life is turned upside down at the moment, but you seem strong and will get through this. There are people out there more deserving of your love and friendship.

Answer 5

I am quite impressed by your level-headedness in how you are handling this. A lot of guys would be screaming their heads off and breaking household items at this point.

One thing you don't say is where your wife stands. You seem to be presenting this scenario as though breaking up with her is a foregone conclustion. It's understandable that this is your immediate reaction, but you might want to take some time to consider whether throwing away a 9-year marriage is something you really want to do. In particular, if your wife is deeply regretful and wants to make it up to you, you would do well to consider the possibility of working through this.

When an affair happens, it's important not to pretend around any of the involved parties. You should tell your "friend" today, by phone, that you know he's been with your wife, and that it is now over between them if he values your friendship and his job. Furthermore, since his wife is your wife's friend, tell him also that you cannot abide her being left in the dark. Tell him that he has one week to inform his wife about his affair with your wife, or you are going to inform her yourself.

My guess is that they will not show up at the employees' party after this conversation.

Answer 6

First of all, kudos to you for taking the time to think this through and not knee-jerk a bad reaction. I think you have a lot of thinking to do...if you still love her, then I would say counseling is in order...in fact, even if she doesn't want to go, you should. You need an objective person to help you through this. In my opinion, even though no one would blame you for confronting the guy, I would just have the party like nothing had happened. It definitely would be you taking the high road, and yo sound like you have the class to pull it off. After that, I'd say you probably would want to say something...and remember, your wife probably already has, and he will be uncomfortable and guilty at the party all by himself--and afraid you are going to tell the wife. If you two do split up, you don't owe anybody and explanation, but I wouldn't blame you if you made it no secret that she cheated. I just don't think I'd want to be the one responsible for hurting the other wife. You'd at least have a clear conscience then. Good luck--this is a crappy situation.

Answer 7

first of all i am so sorry for u, and how can u be so level headed about something so hurtful. i would call the man and tell him what has happened and what u know. personally he would not be an employee anymore, because it won't help your emotions to have to see or be nice to a man who destroyed your marriage. your under no obligation in view of the circumstances to be nice to him or have to include him in the party. as for the wife, u shouldn't keep her as an employee either. if u and your wife are for sure separating and theres no way to deal with this except splitting up than i wouldn't feel obligated to be friends with them, or have to see them daily at your business. if maybe your wife wants to reconsider or u do, get some Christan counseling, try it before divorcing. telling the man will be enough his wife will eventually find it out when they are no longer employed by u anymore. there are consequences for this kind of behavior.

Answer 8

Does this give you any ideas?

MASTERCARD WEDDING

You got to love this guy. This is a true story about
a recent wedding that
took place at Clemson University. It was in the
local newspaper and even
Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with
about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got
up on stage with a
microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted
to thank everyone for
coming, many from long distances, to support them at
their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his
family and to thank his
new father-in-law for providing such a lavish
reception. As a token of his
deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone
a special gift just
from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair,
including the wedding party
was an envelope. He said this was his gift to
everyone, and asked them to
open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x1 0 glossy of
his bride having sex
with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious
of them weeks earlier and
had
hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a
couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said,
"F--- you!"

Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!"
Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the
morning. While most people
would have canceled the wedding immediately after
finding out about the
affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as
if nothing were
wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over
$32,000 for a 300
guest wedding and reception, and best of all,
trashing the bride's and best
man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family
members. This guy has
balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a Master Card "priceless" commercial out of
this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion:
$3,000 Deluxe two week
honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10
glossy of the bride
humping the best man: Priceless There are some
things money can't buy,
for everything else there's MASTERCARD!

"Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches; it's
more like a jar of
Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn your ***
tomorrow

Answer 9

Before the party, i would have a guys night with him tonight. Sit him down at a local bar, and approach it maturely. Tell him how you know, and what your plan of action is. Ask him not to show to the party tomorrow until you find yourself in a little bit more level-headed state. Figure out if you are going to stay with your wife, and where you are going. Talk to a different best friend for advice (as every relationship is very different and they probably can give the best advice)

Answer 10

This is no friend of your's if he's having any sort of affair with your wife! I wouldn't tell his wife, but what I'd do is say, "I understand you're haivng an affair with my wife." Then the ball is in his court. I would NOT bring it up at the party. You owe that to your other guests. I'd bring it up BEFORE the party. Then he will not go. And will have to explain as to why to his own wife. I'd leave anyone who cheated on me and I have. I've been in your position, though not exactly. Diplomacy and tact went out the window on their part when this thing began.