I married too soon b/c I was preg and now that I am getting to know the man I realize I dont love him...?

Question

He ridicules me and my opinions, ridicules anyone with beliefs different than his, loves guns, hates minorities, complains about everything, always is "in pain", prioritizes with his own interests (his career, his parents, his hobbies, his friends) in mind. He was spoiled as a child and I think his parents reinforced the whole "you are perfect because thats how God made you..." attitude, which is a good attitude if you are conscious of your actions and their effects on others, but my husband is no longer religious and blames all of his own shortcomings on the fact that he was raised in a southern baptist church! He does nothing to better himself- poor hygene, no tact, alcoholic, self-absorbed, over weight, smokes AND dips, uses every racial slur you can imagine and claims it is a joke... Whenever I voice a concern he gives me the silent treatment like a baby, and he loves fighting and debate. I do not. I have had healthy, equal relationships in the past. This is neither. What to do???

A few more details: I'm 30 years old, before we married/got pregnant we were together for six months and had known each other forever. In fact our parents knew each other before either of us were born. He is extremely intelligent and has a PHD, I am an independent contractor and work from the home while I care for our wonderful son who we both love. When we decided to marry it was me who did the moving, changing of job, leaving of friends & family etc...We aren't stupid people. What I really want to know is if anyone out there has ever experienced something like this; you marry a seemingly great person and plan a family with them, then after you are together a couple of years you realize that they bear little or no resemblance to the person you said "I do" to. I would never have married this person if I had known his aforementioned qualities. What is this about? I want to give this a shot, but lately it doesn't seem worth it for me or my son. Are there any success stories out there?

And yes, I realize that I should have spent more time getting to know him, But I was convinced! (Not stupid!)

Answer 1

Get the hell outta Dodge, girl. Why stay? He can pay child support just as well as the next guy.

Answer 2

He sounds like a jerk but before you take all the advice you're getting about leaving...

Get him on the same page. He doesn't have to agree with you. Just understand what is at stake.

First. Think of all of the things you like about this guy. That might calm you down a bit.

Second. Approach him with this is YOUR reality. Stress the "YOUR". Nobody can argue with what you believe / see. Stay calm because he will try to argue with it. Stress again that you're not talking about what he thinks.

Third. Explain everything above with the preface of "This is what I think". You don't want to hear what he thinks. It's your time to talk. He will try to argue. Don't bite. He'll get his chance in the next step. Start with the silent treatment issue you mentioned above.

Fourth. Go through each issue one at a time stating that the current condition does not make you happy, and your willing to come up with something else (which may require either one of you to change) that makes the both of you happy (This will take a long time). Look for win-win situations.

Now. If he is unwilling to work on the marriage to make you happy then make sure HE says that. Not you. Notice that he doesn't have to do what you say, the both of you will come to a win-win scenario.

What happens then is that if this breaks down and he no longer wants to participate, make sure that he understands that he doesn't want to make things work. You will NOT tell him this. Let him come to the conclusion. Thus, your breakup will be congenial.

However, if it all works, you'll have the start of a wonderful, happy marriage.

Good luck, congrats, and Merry Christmas.

Answer 3

Your order:

[1] Meet guy

[2] Spread legs with no thought of contraception

[3] Get knocked up

[4] Get married

[5] Take the time to realize he's a loser.


The ACTUAL order:

[1] - ***[5]***

then you can stop right there.

even without 5 you still got the rest wrong, which should be 4-2-3.

Might as well dump him now and begin the seach for the nice guy who will never get all the wild sex but will pay the bills for the next 25 years, hmmm?

Yes it's harsh, but this type of immature, think-with-your-genitals decision-making is what is clogging our nation's health, welfare, and legal systems.

Answer 4

I think that it's never a good idea to get married just because of a pregnancy. That is one of the reasons that divorce rates are so high these days.
The sad thing is that you're married to this man who doesn't care about you, doesn't respect you, and doesn't love you. He is not mature and you shouldn't be with someone who is not only racist but also self-absorbed.. he will bring nothing but problems to your life.
I think what you need to do is find a good divorce attorney. You cannot stay in this marriage forever because it will only make you miserable. Get out while you can before he ends up effecting your self-esteem and other things.

Answer 5

Leaving him and giving the child one stable, loving parent will be better in the long run than staying in a relationship like that and giving your child an alcoholic father.

If you think it's worth a try and you want to try to get him to change, tell him you want to go to counseling. If you don't WANT to try and better the relationship and stay together or he is unwilling to go, marriage counseling is going to do you no good.

If you have family nearby try to arrange to stay with them for a while, until you get yourself on your feet. If you don't work, find a job. Get a lawyer. Don't spend your life (or your child's life) in a miserable household because you want to keep the "family" together. If you have witnesses to his behavior he may not get joint custody. You could try for supervised visitation if you really think he's that bad.

Answer 6

LEAVE!! the sooner the better. You don't want a child raised by a man like that. Your resentment will only create an unhealthy household environment for the kid. I say get a divorce. or at least separate. It's the best thing to do.

Answer 7

You freakin' LEAVE.

Let me put it to you like this: if you stay in this mismatched relationship, you are setting a bad example for your child. Wouldn't you rather you child know you as a strong, independent woman who only has a man in her life b/c she WANTS one, and not b/c she NEEDS one? Why would you want your child to see you settle for something less than what you deserve.

This doesn't mean that after you leave, you should badmouth your child's father, no: let your child make up his own mind about his father. It'll be hard to leave, but life is short, and sometimes things are hard for a reason.

Answer 8

This is not a good situation for anyone to be in. There are too many issues that cannot all be addressed here. How fast can you pack and leave? The longer you put up with him the worse he will become. I am so sorry for you and your baby.

Answer 9

Search for a great divorce attorney! Sounds like you've just simply "out-grown" him! Think about your child and YOURSELF! I have been thru a similar situation. I was always told...think about the kids...well, ya know, I did for many years, crying and hurting....it's time to think about YOU! Also, do you really want to raise your baby around that?

Good Luck!

Answer 10

This happened to my friends sister. She got pregnant really young, married the guy, had another kid, found out she didn't like this guy, divorced him, found a new guy, got married, and is now very happy. Just got to find a guy that loves your kids as well as you. I married into 3 kids and I love them all as if they were my own.