My husband just lost his job due to on-line viewing of pornography.?

Question

He has been lying to me about his addiction for over a year, and he goes to a group for this addiction, and has been lying to them as well. He had warnings from the ITpeople to stop, but didn't. I am heartbroken. Trust is gone, money is going to be a horrible problem, Christmas coming up... the kids....
What on earth do I do? Someone please help me.

Answer 1

Maybe the shock and heartbreak will finally cure him of the problem. It is hard for men to resist, but it is doable.

Answer 2

Yep, I'd say that viewing porn at work is a good sign of addiction. It's just unprofessional and stupid and I can't believe people are dumb enough to do it. But oh well... He made that choice, not you. And God knows you can't control what a grown man does - nor should you try.

If you really think about it, this isn't much different than a drug or alcohol addiction. All the same stuff happens. People do irresponsible things and lose their jobs. Is there really a difference between being drunk at work and viewing porn at work? It's acting out an addiction at work and it gets people fired.

So here's what I think you need to do.... Learn about addiction. There are support groups for the friends and families of alcoholics/addicts. Start here:

http://www.al-anonfamilygroups.org/meetings/meeting.html

Find a meeting in your area. Just replace the world alcohol with the word porn and you're off and running. Replace the word "drinking" with "viewing porn". Read their literature in that way. It'll help you.

This isn't your fault. You didn't cause this. You can't fix this. And you can't make him fix it and you can't make him stop. And you can't make him be responsible. There is a lot of shame that goes with it and it's hard to talk to people about it. Go to a meeting and talk. Stay after the meeting and talk to people. You'll find help there. But what you need help for is you, not him. He's gonna do what he's gonna do. You need to figure out what you're gonna do.

Crisis can be good. It sucks while you're in it but it can be a good motivator. It can help with denial. When you get fired for viewing porn at work or you get a DWI or you get convicted of drug posession, it's hard to continue to assert that there isn't a problem and that you've got it under control. So this might be a good thing?

Good luck to you.

Answer 3

I am sorry this happened to you. That is crazy that he kept it a secret. I would definitely leave him as an above person said. He will probably always be addicted especially since he is going to a group for it. It will never end, plus now when he goes to find a new job and they call his old employer and ask why he was terminated they are going to tell him he is a pervert. Hopefully YOU have a job so that will help with a bit of the christmas gifts for your kids.

Answer 4

I understand the difficulties that your going through caused by your husband. You both need to seek counseling, you to learn how to cope and help him and for him, to deal and control his obsession. If you really want to stay with him and try to work it out, this is the best way to do it, it'll be a really rough challenge to get through this, however if you give up and don't want to face the challenge, then remember, it's easy to give up but it'll be difficult to work through the challenge which, if you do make it through, it'll make the both of you stronger and provide a great role model to your children. With any kind of addiction, they'll try to hide it and lie about it. The only way someone will get through it is through an intervention and total support from their family and friends. The worst thing that anyone can do is to ignore it. I do admit, that I do a fair share of viewing of porn online, but then again, I have other interests, hobbies and friends that help divert that obsession of Porn. Then again, it could be because I'm older and would rather pursue other things than to spend all my time when on the computer looking for Porn. For now, you may want to encourage him to keep looking for another job as well as giving him a list of things that need to be done around the house and yard. Boredom will only increase his urge to look up porn. If you can, encourage him to pick up his hobbies before all this happened. Basically, talk to him, don't fight, keep it civil, be strong for the both of you. When it gets to the point where your fighting more than talking then walk away, let things settle down, think it through and make the decision. Like SuzanneG stated, with tough times, get gifts that you can afford, a card for everyone else is better than nothing or even crafting a card, it's the thought that counts and not how much money you can spend.

Answer 5

good, glad he was fired!

sorry it has affected you and the kids, but, perhaps this will finally make him stop...

you know, this is cheating... you know it deep down... you need to put a password on the computers in your house, even if that means treating the man like a child... =(...

as far as Christmas, go to the Salvation Army, and/or a church... they can help!

Basically, I would not blame you for filing for divorce... good luck to you, I'd only stay if he really stopped it totally this time...

but this only proves that some men think more of porn than their own family... and that's wrong...

I agree that he should go get a temp job from a temp service ASAP... and I agree that he should not work in the field of computers anymore, even if that means getting paid less!

Yes, take the temptation away... password protect all computers in the house, or get rid of them...

you will have a rough time explaining this to your family... they may never want him around ever again... oh boy... I hope he sees the error of his ways now =(...

Answer 6

The old rule of coeving does not always work, nor does preaching about it. He has a genuine problem and needs to be cut-off from the internet altogether! This includes the link that you used to post this question as well.
People are not saints and need mental stimulation but, you need to enforce the rule, "I do not care where you get your appetite but you eat at home!" Even you come here from time to time to get mental stimulation. I am not saying you are both suffering from the same situation but, the truth is you two are not so different from eachother.
First thing you need to do is get rid of your internet. He will not develop any resistance to his temptation until the temptation is taken away. Similar to the way you would do this to a child. I will not be easy but it has to be done.
Next, he needs to find a job where this stimulation will not be a possible factor. Working for a physical job or anything that does not require internet information would be an excellent idea.
Lastly you need to reinforce this going on. He is not allowed to lie to you and you need to have meetings with the head of his support group to make sure he is getting the most from this group.
Preaching to him will not make him stop, confronting the problem itself will.

Good luck and I hope this works out for all of you.

Answer 7

Honostly I suggest U take the kids and leave for christmas to a relatives house....this will send him a big message! He can come over for christmas but tell him u do not want to talk about this until after christmas and dont let him hug or snuggle with u either. This also gives u time to think....this is a moment u must seize to let him see the devastation he has caused, the trust he has lost, and the future if he continues. This also gives u time to think and talk to family and decide if u want a seperation or divorce. I'm on the outside looking in...i would do it if I were u. And dont let him try to put any guilt trip about dont let this ruin christmas and stuff....HE HAS DONE THIS! U must take a stand now or it will only continue.

Answer 8

On the practical side, tighten the family Christmas budget for starters. Get emotional support from your church/friends.

Get rid of the home computer. No more computers in the home. Or the only alternative is for you to become the computer administrator and put on a porn filter so that no one can get to porn because he does not have rights.

Go the the counseling sessions with him. See if you think it is worthwhile. Is he just going theough the motions?

Eventually, you will have to make a decision and probably will have to monitor it for years if you stay in the marriage. The kids might be worth it, but you have to weigh that against the issues you see if you have such a gent the home.

If you are not working, you had better get back in the workforce.

Answer 9

Ouch that's super tough. As an IT guy I can tell you that we don't like getting people fired but he was a fool if he thought that he could keep getting away with it even after a warning, but I guess like an alcoholic even with drug test warnings they continue to drink knowing they will get caught...

It's going to be a bleak black Christmas for you, but it's time to get a plan to get a new life with a man who will treat you with the respect you deserve. Not all of us pick our mates very well and unfortunately the cost of the mistake is high. But when we make mistakes we need to pick ourselves up and get a plan to move forward.

Good luck to you, and God bless. This really pulls at my heart strings you deserve so much better.

Answer 10

I KNOW. I KNOW .I KNOW. You should make your husband dress up in a rhinestone thong and go work at the gay club down the street. Maybe the feeling of being looked at in that way will have a complete turnoff effect on him and he can see from the other side of the fence that not all these girls do things because they like it but because they need money. Most end up on drugs to overcome their feeling of dirtiness and unworthiness. Maybe if people make him feel that way..he might see the light. ( And heck..the money will help out until he gets a real job again. lol)

Answer 11

You need to talk to him and your family. If you go public with this, as he already has by getting fired, your family needs to know so they can help with Christmas. He needs to see a counselor not just go to a group. He needs one on one help, because he could start acting out sexually and that would be even worse.

I feel for you, this is not easy and the timing is terrible, but if you two love each other and you want this to work, you and he can over come anything!!!

Good luck!