I have been in a serious relationship for awhile now, infact engaged. However his family has not been very nice to me. He sometimes takes there side. I have been very nice to them and have done so much to make them like me.
Because of all the drama I am scared to marry him. I hate being around his family. They say you marry the family is that true? I am so confused I don't know what to do.
2007-12-13 06:28:26 · 16 answers · asked by Super_freak 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Look at it from a distance. Take your emotions and attachments out of the picture.
Would you say he is a momma boy? Is he independent in his thoughts and actions, or does he seem to still check in with them? Does he do things that he does not tell them about because he is afraid of their reaction?
You get the drift. If he is still attached to them, he has not grown up and is not ready for marriage to anyone.
If it is only issues involving you that he sides with them, then maybe the main issue is your relationship and some differences in values that you two need to discuss. If his opinions come as a big surprise to you, then you need to learn more about each other.
Ultimately, my answer is that if he is not independent, he is not ready for marriage. If you are not ready to put up with the family or get him to move away, that is another reason to postpone a wedding date.
2007-12-13 06:43:27 · answer #1 · answered by Wolfithius 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should be scared. Not of the situation of marriage. Here are the facts of life before you do anything else!!!
1. There is no Santa
2. There might be a Bigfoot
3. All men cheat, almost all women cheat
4. Marriage ruins relationships (moving in is the same)
5. Everyone lies (you even lie to yourself)
6. Life is not fair
Good luck and Happy Holidays. Email me
if you want to hear the truth. You can ask me anything.
I don't lie.
2007-12-13 06:52:51 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh... this is bad. Yes, when you marry a spouse, you marry the family. Even if the spouse has nothing to do with that family, you inherit all the problems and strangeness of that family. Sorry to say.
And if you're not married yet, it will get worse when you marry. This crap can go on for years until you finally get enough of it and unload on them.
First of all, you should never try to do anything to get somebody to like you. That's the kiss of death. Just be yourself and don't apologize. There is nothing wrong with being who you are. God knows none of us are perfect. I'm not, you're not and his family isn't either. Just be yourself and let them draw their own conclusions. In the end it doesn't matter if they like you and you shouldn't care. What matters is if you like you.
If you don't like yourself then do something about it. I tell you this though... if you do things to try to make people like you, you won't end up liking yourself. Be true to yourself. Don't let yourself down like that. You are who you are and you can't be anybody else. Faults and all. Everybody's got 'em.
The "sometimes he takes their side" is disturbing. There shouldn't be "sides". These folks sound dysfunctional. There's a reason you've become attracted to somebody who is from a family like this. Take a look at that.
Being nice to people who aren't nice to you is phoney. Nobody would respect that. Be polite for what little you might be forced to be around them and from there, avoid them.
You're wise in being scared to marry him. There's a lot going on here and this is a helpful warning sign. If you hate being around his family, life is short. Don't do it.
I don't think you're confused at all. I think you hate being around his family and you wonder about him because he comes from that. You're smart enough to know that a fiance is on his best behavior. He will be like his family and maybe worse when he is finished being on his best behavior.
I think you know what to do. I think you know you deserve better. It might be painful to end it but there are people out there who have nice families who will accept you for who you are, faults and all. And there are nice men who won't sick their family on you. The whole thing just sounds twisted.
Break the engagement and date other guys. Find somebody nicer who really likes you. A man who likes you won't tolerate his family being anything but polite and kind to you. A real man would tell his family to f--- off if they treated you badly. But a nice family wouldn't treat you badly to begin with.
You know what to do. Good luck.
2007-12-13 06:46:08 · answer #3 · answered by DearAbby 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I do agree with the statement, " you marry the family"
However, I need more specific examples of the types of things they do and say? I'm not saying they are innocent, but sometimes it's a two way street (not blaming you).
Also, how long have you two been together? If it's a shorter period of time, you have to realize that it might be a big deal to except you. You're new and wanting to join their family, but they are concerned how you will react to them.
I really need more info.
2007-12-13 06:36:55 · answer #4 · answered by J'adore 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wether or not you marry the family too, depends on the person your marrying. Talk to him about how they treat you, and what he thinks about it. If he can't even see your point then maybe you should at least put a hold on things. But two people can be married no matter what their family thinks and make it work, it just depends on the people and if he is willing to put you first.
2007-12-13 06:34:19 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should talk to him about it. The fact is, once you get married, he should always side with you. You will be his new family. If he doesn't think he can do this, then no, you shouldn't marry him. Yes, you definitely marry his family. While you may not live with or even near them, the traits and issues he picked up from his family will stay with him forever.
2007-12-13 06:32:56 · answer #6 · answered by Jody 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do you marry thier family? Yes and no. My wife's family is nuts too, that's why we don't live closer to them, because if we did, I would probably be in prison for murder. I wife knows this and has the same opinion of her family so it works out nicely. If he takes thier side, you might have problems.
2007-12-13 06:34:17 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is true you do marry the family but you didnt need to make them like you. You need to be yourself and if you love him & he loves you then it shouldnt matter! Yes a guy will take his family defense but you have to understand that is family and you would do the same for yours!!!
2007-12-13 06:58:19 · answer #8 · answered by ash 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The greatest thing about this life is that nothing happens without a warning. Check it out. Never do anything you are not comfortable with. He will even be more for his family after marriage. Please remember that family is family and if and when you guys starts to have marital problems, you may not be on even grounds. Worst if it's his family you two might be around more than yours. Please remember that marriage is sacred and should be forever. Think this one over and over and over please.
Blessed.
2007-12-13 06:44:46 · answer #9 · answered by Jerrylee21 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Work this out before you get married.
By taking "their" side, if that means that he agrees with them on a topic that's fine. I don't always agree with my wife.
However, if it means his family or him not treating you nicely then he needs to step up and support you in having his family treat you better. He needs to HELP you figure out how to achieve this.
Stop trying to make his family like you. Be yourself. Then through that honesty, develop the relationship with his family. If it doesn't gel, don't worry about it. Sometimes it doesn't work.
2007-12-13 06:37:54 · answer #10 · answered by Vitiran 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋