Is it better to regret leaving or regret staying?

Question

I'm having serious doubts about my marriage, and have been having for 6m+. Whether I leave or stay I'll always wonder if I should have done the opposite.

Would you rather regret leaving a marriage/relationship or regret staying?

(Assume no kids yet)

Having first provided it as a general question (and got lots of answers), the more specifics are:

married 2 1/2 years, tog 4+ years
she had affair, but confessed.
she now desperately wants to "make things work"

A lot of marriage DO recover from affairs. And after 6m of dealing with it, it is getting easier. But I'm just not sure I want to be married anyway. But what if she IS the perfect partner, and it was just a one off mistake, and if I left I'd be throwing away the chance of being happily married.

I suppose I dread never meeting someone else and looking back wishing I had stayed with her.

But I also dread staying and it still not working and then having wasted many years of my life. Or worse still cheating on her.

Answer 1

Seperate for awhile and then see how you feel. The grass is not always greener on the other side is one of the most true statements I have ever seen.

Also, don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till its gone.

Stay away from each other for awhile but make an agreement that there will be no outside influence or seeing other people.

Then both of you will know what you feel and what you want, and you can make a sound judgement based on that.

Answer 2

It is better to have no regrets. I think you have already defeated yourself by saying no matter what choice you make, you wil always wonder if it was the right thing. To make any good choice, you must be prepared for all the consequences. A person should end their relationship if they KNOW that they will not be thinking of the person, they will not be missing the person, that their life will be better off without that person.

I would suggest that by your question, you cannot go. You should only leave if you know that leaving was the right choice. If a person makes a choice that they know is right, they do not regret it later. Right choices are not mistakes, even if they hurt at the time. I have been divorced twice, the first divorce, I initiated. The second, my husband walked out on his family and never came back. I did not initiate divorce in that second marriage, because I believed that I was bound by vows, even though he was gone. He eventually filed, and I was released. People judge me-two time divorced person-excess baggage, etc.-BUT, I have no regrets in either case, believe I made the right decisions for the time, and have never doubted. Until you achieve a state of self assurance, confidence in your decision to leave, I don't see how you can end a marriage.

Just read your add't: Years spent with a person are not wasted-if in your heart, you were doing what is right within your conscience, it is not ever wasted! When my second husband left, it was over a year he was gone before he filed for divorce, and I was alone, raising children and content, because I knew that I was doing right-by me, by my vows, by my children. And that "knowing" has brought me more satisfaction than any lover, temporary relationship or emotional surrender ever could have. Her cheating does not mean that you can jerk her around either. If you are going to work on the life, then do it. Quit waffeling back and forth. Make a choice and carry it through!

Answer 3

I would much rather regret leaving than staying somewhere I wasn't happy. I have been there! I struggled for five years over whether leaving was the right or wrong thing to do. Finally, I bit the bullet when I asked myself "It's either his happiness or my own" and I chose to save myself. It's hard to walk away, but even harder to stay in the misery of a bad marriage.

If you're only having doubts and are not truly in pain to the point where you're waking up with a cloud over your head everyday, then I would try counseling and everything you can to save the marriage. I'm not sure when you were married, but maybe the newness has worn off and you're entering a phase that isn't familiar. Talk about your doubts with your husband and see if it can be worked out. I wish you the best.

Answer 4

This is a good question and unfortunately, only time is going to reveal which "regret" (if any) you'll have. I think I would regret wasting my life staying with a dishonest person. I truly don't feel that affairs are "mistakes". They're more like well planned events because there are so many steps that occur prior to the actual event and there is motivation and drive to accomplish the event. Dishonesty is part of a person's character--- a person is either honest or not.

Answer 5

If you haven't been married long you just might be going through the adjustment period. Most people have an image in mind of what marriage will be like and the reality is usually much different. If it is boredom that is making you feel this way then work on keeping things exciting and fresh in the marriage. You have to work at marriage...it just doesn't happen on its own. Try that and if you really are not happy then you should consider leaving before you have kids to worry about too.

Answer 6

I would suggest marriage counseling before you make any decisions. There could be a very simple underlying problem that can be resolved with a little effort on both parts.

But the bottom line is: NOTHING will work if you BOTH don't want the same thing. You need to have a talk and figure out if you both want this. If you do then take the steps and put in the effort. If you both want different things, then cut your losses and move on before you waist more time that you'll never get back.

Answer 7

Reasons for leaving a marriage

Adultry, Addiction, Abuse.

If your reason for leaving falls under any of those then get out don't look back, and dont regret what you do. If you regret something it means you have learned nothing from the experience.

I live by the saying, have no regrets. And i dont. I've done alot of things in my life that most people would have regrets about doing. But i dont, because i learned from my regrets.

And if you honestly arn't happy, this person isn't for you, you didn't know he leaves the tolite seat up, the cap off the toothpaste, and the empty roll on the spindle for the toliet paper. Then leave let him find a women who is just like him. Dont make his life misrable.

Answer 8

I would regret staying. I'm not a martyr to anyone. I left my first husband, and have never regretted it. I had no children.

So having said that... Are you not able to come to any agreement/compromise over the problems in your marriage.. cause, obviously something is wrong, you want to leave. If all that has been exhausted... and there is nothing left, then maybe you should leave.

Sometimes we confuse "regret" with "guilt".... and guilt is a really sh*tty thing...it can be hard to deal with. But... I still contend... people should not be martyr's... we have one life to live... we should live it to the fullest and be as happy as we can be.

Answer 9

Well I really think you should turn this question towards your spouse. It's hard but you will never know for sure until you communicate with the people that are actually involved. That way, whether you decide to leave to stay, you know you did your best and there will be not regrets.

Answer 10

Regret leaving. Because if I leave I would be thinking everyday what if... and if I stayed and tried to work on the problem and it didn´t turned out as I would´ve hoped for then I would leave. But don´t leave unless you are pretty sure that the best thing you could and that there are no toher alternatives. You don´t want to regret leaving and not being able to work on something that could´ve been great in the future